Chapter 10 #3
“Will you tell me what upset you?” He starts to draw circles on my arm with his finger, the soothing sensation distracting me enough for my heart rate to calm.
Don’t tell him, he’ll realise how ridiculous you are.
But I want to tell him. I desperately want to talk to someone about how I feel, but I’ve never wanted to burden anyone with my problems. It feels different with Connor, though. He seems to actually care and want to help.
“Talk to me, Tilly.”
“It’s silly, it doesn’t matter.” I shake my head against his chest and try to push myself from him, but he keeps me pinned close to his body.
“Of course it matters!” Connor’s voice has a bite to it I’ve rarely heard. “You matter, Til. You just had a panic attack. I thought I was going to end up calling for an ambulance. Don’t try to tell me that doesn’t matter.”
He squeezes me tighter, and my nose is flooded with his calming smell. I should really try to bottle that scent and keep a stash on me for times of need.
“I want to understand. I want to help you.” He cups my face with one hand and turns my head so I’m looking up at him. “Please let me help you.”
Don’t do it.
“Okay,” I sigh. Where do I start? “I struggle a lot. With different thoughts and feelings. I can go for days, weeks sometimes, where everything is fine and I can handle what life throws at me as much as the next person. But some days, something that might seem small to someone else will be huge to me, and it will set me off.” I look at Connor’s face to check he’s still with me.
His expression is sympathetic and, if I’m not mistaken, there’s pity in his eyes.
“One thing will lead to me thinking something else and it will spiral out of control until…”
“Until what?” His question is barely more than a whisper, and the bob of his Adam’s apple tells me he suspects what I’m going to say next. I look away before continuing.
“Until I don’t think I can live with it anymore. Or live with myself. Or live at all.”
Connor takes a breath, then another. He doesn’t speak, so I carry on, filling the silence.
“Sometimes the urge is more of an impulse, like I’m driving down a busy road and see a lorry coming towards me, and I think ‘That’s convenient, I could just swerve now and it would hit me and it would all be over’.
But logic quickly kicks in, and I realise that I would end up hurting other people like that, and that’s the last thing I want to do, so I just go about my day as if nothing happened.
“Other times, the need for it to end comes after a big spiral. I’ll end up running through every negative thing about me and it leads me to realise that everyone around me would just be better off if I were gone.
It’s purely down to the fact that I’m too much of a coward to actually go through with it that I’m still here.
Which, ironically, is something I then add to my mental list of things I hate about myself. ”
“And tonight?” Connor’s voice is heavy with emotion. It makes me feel terrible for off-loading onto him. But I’ve already started now, so I might as well finish. Then we can move on and never talk about it again.
“Tonight was tough. I already told you that buying clothes is an ordeal for me, and you got a front seat to see why that is. I don’t deserve nice clothes like this, and I look awful in this kind of thing anyway.
I wish I didn’t, but I do. I’ve tried everything to change myself so I’ll hate myself less, but nothing works.
I’ve dieted, exercised, juice cleansed, everything bar surgery.
I just can’t seem to shift the weight I need to lose.
But even if I did lose the weight, there are so many other things that need improvement… ”
“Stop it.” Connor stands and pulls me up with him.
He hugs me briefly, then gently pushes me down so I’m sitting on the bed.
He kneels in front of me, holding my hands in his.
“I’m so sorry that you feel this way. I had no idea.
” He brushes the hair from my face and tucks it behind my ear.
I can’t help but lean into his touch. “I hate that you don’t see how wonderful you are.
If you could see yourself through my eyes…
Well, you’d feel differently. You are beautiful and kind.
You’re the most considerate, thoughtful person I’ve ever met.
As a man with eyes, I can tell you that there is nothing you can do to improve the way you look, because you can’t improve on perfection.
Losing any more weight would be a crime, because the way your curves filled that dress took my breath away. ”
Connor locks his hand on the back of my neck and rests his forehead on mine. We sit there breathing the same air for a few moments.
“I’ve promised you that I will always listen to you and never judge you. I need you to promise me in return that you’ll talk to me when you feel low so I can keep you safe. Shout through the walls, phone me, send me a damn carrier pigeon, I don’t care as long as you tell me. Promise me?”
“I promise,” I whisper.
“Is that an actual promise or are you just trying to shut me up?”
I laugh. “I promise it’s an actual promise.”