Chapter 32 #3
“You’re right – I was a dick. And I’m so sorry if me being that way ever upset you.
” Connor looks me in the eye, begging me to understand.
“It was a coping mechanism. What started as a crush that I pushed aside because you were younger than me turned into full-blown love that consumed me so completely, I couldn’t get you off my mind.
By the time I admitted to myself how I felt, you’d already met Rhys, and I thought you were happy.
I didn’t want to mess that up for you. I wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me, so I forced myself to step back. It nearly killed me, Tilly.”
Wanting to ease the emotion in his voice, I take the opportunity of his pause to press a kiss to his lips. I had no idea he’d ever felt this way. I can’t help but wonder if things would have been different had he spoken out sooner.
“I couldn’t be myself around you when all I wanted to do was tear you away from him, to hold you, to call you mine. So I put on an act to distance myself. I thought if you hated me, it would make it easier for me to move on.”
“That’s why it was so easy for you to change when we called the truce? You were finally able to be yourself?”
“That’s it. And it felt so fucking good! But you’d just been through so much, so I didn’t make a move. I wanted to give you time to process everything before throwing something else at you. And then you went out that night and didn’t come back.”
Guilt spears through my body like lightning. I really am a stupid bitch.
“I thought I’d missed my chance again. But now, here we are.
” Connor slowly smiles, his eyes lighting up as they meet mine once again.
“I spent years pining for you. Ivy used to tease me all the time. But I would put up with the teasing and heartache, the jealousy and emptiness a hundred times over if it meant that I would finally get to be with you.”
Wow. What am I supposed to say to that?
“Ooh, no pressure!” I joke, using humour as a deflection.
Luckily, Connor laughs. “None at all, Muffin.”
My body goes stiff when he uses the nickname Rhys gave me. I’ve always hated it, but the more I pushed against it, the more Rhys used it, so I just let it happen. That was generally the best way with Rhys, but each time he used it was a punch to the heart.
“Please don’t call me that.” I turn my head so Connor can’t see the tears lining my eyes, and pretend to be engrossed in my food.
“Sorry,” Connor says sincerely. “I just saw Rhys call you that when I read your messages the other day and I was curious. It’s such a silly nickname, I thought there might be a story behind it.”
“There is.” Still refusing to look at him, I decide to continue our pattern of total honesty and give him this as a freebie.
“A few years ago, just after we got married, I was getting changed into a pair of jeans and… it seems I’d put on weight since the last time I’d worn them, so when I pulled them up, they…
” I heave a sigh and continue. “Rhys pointed out my muffin top. He even came over to me and grabbed it to prove a point. He’s called me ‘Muffin’ ever since, to remind me to stay on track with my weight.
It’s also, super-conveniently, a well-known nickname, so no one ever picked up on it being a hurtful jab every time it was used. They just thought it was adorable.”
Connor seethes. “That fucking prick.”
Instinctively, I turn to face him and see the rage in his clenched jaw and burning eyes. “It’s okay,” I say soothingly. “It’s in the past.”
Besides, Rhys wasn’t wrong. Sure, his constant reminders made me feel like shit, but his point was valid.
“I will never use that name again, I promise,” Connor says, and I believe him. He would never do anything to intentionally hurt me.
I reassure him that I believe him with a smile and a nod, and he busies himself with moving our plates and bringing out dessert.
Again, he’s gone overboard and ordered a platter of what looks like samples of anything sweet the kitchen serves.
I’ve already eaten too much, and our conversation about muffin tops is still racing through my head.
I don’t say anything, but Connor can read the subtitles on my face.
“You’re having dessert, even if I have to feed you myself,” he croons in my ear. He sits back down.
“I think I already know the answer to my last question, but I’m going to ask anyway,” he says, spooning crème br?lée and bringing it to my mouth. I open and let him feed me as he continues. “You said earlier that you’ve never had an orgasm with someone else. Didn’t Rhys ever notice?”
I splutter around the creamy dessert in shock. “I don’t honestly know. If he did, he never mentioned it.”
Connor scoops a spoonful of dark chocolate torte and feeds it to me again, then takes a bite himself.
“But you didn’t mention it to him either?” he finally asks.
I shrug my shoulders and shake my head in response.
“Why?” he asks.
“It’s my issue, no one else’s. I use so much brain power overthinking everything that I don’t have the capacity to enjoy it. I didn’t want to pass my burden on to him.”
“Okay.” He raises a spoonful of Eton mess to my lips.
“Let me make this clear. This is a new relationship, with new rules. I want to know about anything like this immediately. Anything that affects your happiness is not a burden to me. It’s important.
And right now, making sure you can come is my top priority. ”