Chapter 38
It’s a blanket fort
Connor and I spend the hour-long journey home listening to music, talking about nonsense and generally ignoring the elephant in the room.
Or the elephant in the car, I suppose. Either way, I enjoy the light relief for a while, despite the niggling nauseous feeling in my stomach.
I know once we get home, we’ll have a lot to talk about, and Connor will insist that we do talk.
He’ll want to know what I did and why, and I want to know what he meant when he said he’s ‘handled’ the Rhys situation.
As far as I’m aware, the police haven’t been in contact with Connor, and Rhys hasn’t tried to get in touch with me since he phoned me in the souvenir shop, but I don’t know what any of that means.
“Ready?” Connor asks once we’re parked in his drive.
“That feels like a loaded question,” I reply sardonically.
“Come on. Let’s get you inside.”
Connor gives me the keys to his house, insisting I go inside while he gets the luggage from the boot, so I head to the front door. Swinging it open, I make my way towards the living room and stop dead in my tracks.
“Connor?” I call behind me. “What did you do?”
No answer. Either he didn’t hear me or he’s messing with me.
“Connor!”
“Yes, Tilly?” he asks innocently and places his hands on my shoulders.
“What is this?” I ask in disbelief.
Connor kisses my cheek as he stands behind me. I can sense his smug grin as his lips move down my neck, sending tingles through my body.
“It’s a fort,” he says simply, between kisses.
“I can see it’s a fort.”
“It’s a blanket fort.” His hands slide down my arms and weave around my waist, pulling my back flush to his chest.
“It’s the best blanket fort in the history of blanket forts,” I sigh, half distracted by his lips and half astonished at the enormous structure taking over Connor’s living room. “It’s really more of a blanket castle.”
“Your parents always built you a blanket fort when you were sad. I thought you might need a little nostalgic comfort tonight.”
I turn in Connor’s arms so we’re nose-to-nose. “You shouldn’t have done all this for me…” I stop when I see Connor’s disapproving expression. Not wanting him to threaten to take my beautiful fort away, I don’t finish my self-critical thought. “I love you,” I say instead.
“I love you so much,” he echoes almost instantly, crashing his mouth to mine.
I wrap my arms around his neck as he pulls me impossibly closer. Too soon, though, it’s over as he pulls his head back and looks down at me lovingly.
“Do you want to see the best bit?” He grins at me like a child at Christmas.
“Absolutely!”
Connor loosens his grip on my waist and walks to the other side of the room to turn off the lights. Then he kicks off his trainers and disappears into the fort.
Hundreds of tiny twinkling lights fill the room with a warm glow.
The sight takes my breath away. I slowly make my way towards the entrance of the fort and remove the trainers Connor bought me to replace the ones I water-logged, putting them neatly to one side.
Then I crawl through the blankets to join Connor inside.
He’s used white sheets to make the majority of the structure, but my favourite cashmere blanket is one of many inside to wrap up in.
There are baskets lining the sides with bottles of drinks and packets of snacks, and in the corner, I notice a laptop.
He’s thought of everything. When I finally tear my eyes away from the fort and look at Connor, I realise he looks upset.
I lie down next to him. “What’s wrong?”
I curl up on my side so I’m looking at him, and he turns to face me. He doesn’t immediately answer but shuffles closer and pulls my top leg so it’s intertwined with his and starts stroking my hair.
When he does eventually speak, he sounds broken. “I nearly lost you. Again.”
“I’m here,” I say guiltily.
“But you nearly weren’t!” Connor snaps. I flinch at his uncharacteristic tone.
“I’m sorry, I just keep imagining how differently this could have ended, and I can’t handle even thinking about the alternative to you being here right now.
What if I hadn’t panicked when I spoke to you on the phone and hadn’t decided to run to find you?
What if that man hadn’t seen you and pulled you onto his boat?
What if that mum on the beach didn’t know first aid? You’d be gone, Tilly.”
I would have been. And that would have been for the best, wouldn’t it?
“Can I be honest?” he asks quietly, one hand still stroking my hair, the other running softly up and down my thigh.
I nod, not trusting myself to speak without crying.
“Sometimes I worry that this is a dream. That I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone, lost to the waves.”
I try to reassure him. “I’m alive. I’m here.”
“You’re here,” he repeats, reassuring himself. “Stay with me. Please.”
“Where else would I stay?” There I go, deflecting again.
Connor scrunches his eyes in frustration. “No, I don’t mean stay in the house, I mean keep living. Stay with me.”
I want to stay with him in our bubble so badly that I agree. “I’ll stay.”
Connor scans my face, seemingly looking for signs that I’m bluffing, but when he finds none, he leans over and kisses me. He starts softly, lovingly, his hands stroking my face and hair, his lips barely meeting mine with each kiss.
“You’re really here?” he asks, kissing his way to my collarbone.
“I’m here.” My back arches under his touch as his hands skim down my body, resting on my waist.
“And you’ll stay?” His lips trace their way back up the other side of my neck, leaving goosebumps in their wake.
When he reaches my face, he stops and looks me in the eye.
“Don’t say yes just because it’s what I want to hear.
Say yes because you want to live, because you want us to have a life together.
Say yes because you want to get through this. ”
“I want to stay.” And I truly do. This was never about me wanting to die. Maybe I jumped to that solution a little prematurely. Maybe there are other ways of solving problems, even if it seems hopeless at the time.
“I’ll stay.” I take his face in my hands, my fingertips threading into his soft hair. I want his full attention. I want there to be no ambiguity. “I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought staying around would ruin your life, and I couldn’t bear to do that.”
Connor winces at my words, but I plough through. If I don’t do it now, I don’t think I’ll pluck up the courage to do it again.
“But I’m starting to see that it wasn’t necessarily me ruining your life, just a set of unfortunate circumstances making things more difficult than they should be.
But I won’t be put off by things being difficult anymore, because the reward for pushing through it is so worth it.
Living my life with you is worth it. So I’ll stay. ”
Connor’s eyes have misted over, and maybe mine have too.
I blame the blanket fort for making me emotional.
Connor gives me a small but genuine smile and leans towards me once again.
This time, his kisses are anything but gentle, and I don’t want them to be.
We both need to be reminded that we’re here, we’re together and nothing can come between us.
I roll onto my back, pulling Connor with me.
We both greedily grab at each other, desperate for any bit of contact.
His hand grips my thigh, my hand clutches his bicep.
He kisses behind my ear, I run my hand under his T-shirt.
When he starts to pull up my top, I force myself to relax, despite the warning sirens sounding in my head at him seeing my body.
He loves me, I remind myself. He doesn’t mind that I’m not perfect.
Connor continues to kiss me hard as he reaches under my top and toys with the lace of my bra, giving me time to stop him if I want to.
But I don’t want to. Acting much braver than I feel, I push against his shoulder so he’s kneeling in front of me and I have space to sit up.
Ignoring the voice screaming in my head about not showing my belly rolls, I grip the hem of my sweatshirt and pull it over my head, taking my T-shirt with it.
I feel self-conscious until I see the awed look on Connor’s face as he looks from my chest to my face.
Leaning back on my hands, I bite my lip and look away, still embarrassed to be seen like this.
But there’s no time to be coy. Connor reaches behind me and unclasps my bra, then helps me out of the straps.
My arms instinctively move to cover my chest, but Connor pulls them away and pins them behind my back.
It doesn’t hurt – the way it stretches is actually turning me on – but I feel exposed having my chest pushed out and nowhere to hide.
“Don’t hide from me,” Connor commands, his voice deeper than usual.
I find myself rubbing my thighs together at his tone. Turns out I like Bossy Connor.
“You’re beautiful, and you’re mine. I want to be able to see all of you. I want to watch your every reaction. Now, if I let your arms go, are you going to try to cover yourself again, or are you going to behave?”
I swallow and try to ignore the wetness gathering between my legs at his words. “I’ll behave,” I say quietly, an excited tremble to my voice.
The side of Connor’s mouth quirks up, and he eases me back down onto the blankets, moving my hands so they’re resting above my head.
“Don’t move those hands.” He releases his grip on my wrists, and I leave my arms where he put them. He drags his fingers down my chest, catching my aching nipples along the way but not stopping to pay them the attention they want.
“Such a good girl.”
My cheeks heat and part of me considers protesting his praise, but the desperately people-pleasing woman in me craves his approval more.