Chapter 42
I can be my own light
I promised Natalie that I would think about what she said and that I’d go back in a week to start training with her. But it isn’t the exercise and weight loss that dominates my thoughts as I’d expected in the hours that follow.
Unable to face going home to Connor after being told to consider ending things with him, I drive to a local park and decide to take a walk to clear my head.
As I follow the dirt path through the trees, I try to think of the most logical way to figure out what to do.
The problem is, however, I’m not thinking logically.
My feelings for Connor completely override every other thought in my head, and each time I try to imagine living a life without him in it, I well up and have to bite my cheek to stop myself from crying.
There’s no doubt that I need Connor. He saved me when I wasn’t capable of saving myself. He picks me up when I’m feeling low. He’s given me something to live for.
‘I want you to love yourself as much as I love you’, he’d said. Maybe having some time apart is a means to that end? Maybe Natalie’s right? Feeling like you need someone else to live isn’t healthy, at least that’s what I’d say to anyone else in my situation.
Connor’s done so much for me in the last few months, I can’t just throw that away on a selfish whim. Can I?
I shouldn’t. I’ve turned his life upside down enough; I can’t end things just because it isn’t convenient for me and my own happiness. My happiness feels secondary to Connor’s.
‘When you get on an aeroplane, you’re told to put on your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else with theirs’, Natalie had said. ‘You need to prioritise your own wellbeing before you’re able to give anything back to others.’
Conflicted, I take a seat on a bench and look out over the pond, intending on trying to ground myself before making any rash decisions. But my half-hearted attempt is interrupted by my phone buzzing in my pocket.
I look at the screen and see Connor’s name. Instantly, my heart swells and breaks at the same time. Conscious that I don’t want him to worry unnecessarily, I decide to answer it.
“Hi,” I say brightly, hoping to hide my emotions from the person who knows me best.
“Hey, how did it go?”
I let his warm voice wash over me as I consider how to answer. I decide on a version of the truth. “Natalie’s really nice. She’s put a plan together, nothing like Rhys’s regime. I’m seeing her again next week.”
“That’s great, Tilly!” Connor says, the pride evident in his voice.
“Yeah. There’s just one thing she suggested I think about that I don’t really want to do…”
I desperately want to talk to Connor about my predicament because he’s my go-to for everything, but he’s also the one person I can’t ask for an opinion.
“Okay… Is it something that’s going to make you better in the long run?”
“Yes,” I murmur. “Yes, I think so. But it’s not that simple…”
“Baby, if it’s going to make you better, then it’s worth it, whatever it is, don’t you think? You’re strong, Tilly. You can handle it.”
I’m strong. I can handle it. It’s the last thing I want to do, but maybe Connor’s right and it’ll be worth it long term. But will he still think that when he finds out what sacrifices have to be made by both of us?
“Are you home? I need to talk to you about something.”
I hold my breath while I wait for his reply, knowing full well that he can tell something isn’t right. But if I’m going to do this, then I need to do it quickly, or I’ll change my mind.
“Yeah, I’m home,” he finally answers.
“Okay. I’m on my way.”
I feel sick with dread when I finally pluck up the courage to walk into Connor’s house forty minutes later.
He’s waiting for me in the kitchen, sitting rigidly at the island, a mug clasped between his hands.
When he spots me, his mouth twitches up into a nervous smile, and he walks over, twisting his cap so it’s facing backwards when he bends down to kiss me.
Knowing that it’s potentially the last kiss I’ll ever have from him, I pull him closer, by the back of his neck, and kiss him back with what I hope is enough love and passion to get us through the next couple of hours.
“Wow,” he breathes, touching his swollen lips with his fingertips as he sits down. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
“What were you expecting?” I ask nervously.
“Honestly? I thought you were coming home ready to break my heart.”
Emotion clogs in my throat, blocking any words from coming out. I don’t even know what I’d say anyway. Instead, I let the tears welling in my eyes fall, and a strangled cry escapes me. Connor has his arms around me in an instant, holding me close and rubbing soothing circles on my back.
“Shh, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” Despite Connor’s tender, comforting touch, his body is tense as it surrounds me. He knows something’s wrong, and he’s braced for it.
With all the time I’ve had to think about what I’ll say to him, I still can’t find the words. This isn’t a break-up as such – at least I hope it isn’t – just a pause. Time for me to sort myself out on my own, become a woman I can be proud of, before picking up where we left off.
But asking him to wait for me is a huge ask, not to mention selfish on my part.
It could take weeks, months, to get to a place where I’m ready to start a life with him.
I can’t ask him to put his entire life on hold for me.
Without knowing he’s there waiting for me, my safety net, my reason to try, I don’t know if I’ll be able to push through the hard times.
There will be no light at the end of the tunnel.
Only more darkness and loneliness. Though I suppose that’s the point.
I shouldn’t need someone else to be the reason I get my shit together. I can be my own light.
Maybe this is a break-up after all.
“Tilly?”
Connor’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts, and I take a second to look at him, really look at him for the last time.
His wavy hair, which always smells of my shampoo even though he firmly denies using it.
His warm brown eyes, crinkled at the corners from years of laughter.
His neck, which makes the perfect nook for my head when we cuddle, where that smell that always comforts me is strongest.
“Tilly, what’s going on?”
“I’m sorry…” I will my voice to come out stronger, more confident when I next speak. It’ll be too easy to back down if I don’t. “I need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay. Should I be sitting down?” He’s half-joking, trying to ease the tension no doubt, but I wish he wouldn’t. I don’t need him to remind me how caring and considerate he is.
I don’t respond but take his hand and guide him back to the stools by his kitchen island. As we sit, he keeps my hand in his and strokes it with his thumb, while I take a fortifying breath before continuing.
“I love you. I didn’t even realise it was possible to love someone this much until you. And I didn’t realise it was possible to be loved this much until you.”
Connor brings my hands up to his lips and kisses the back of each one tenderly. Selfishly, I let him.
“You’ve loved me so well that I’ve started to realise I am worth loving, and I will always be grateful to you for that. Your love has saved me.”
“I’ll always be here to save you,” Connor says thickly, thumbs still gently stroking my hands.
My stomach drops. “I think that’s the problem,” I say quietly. “I’m totally dependent on you for everything. You’re always right there, ready to catch me when I fall, and I love that, I really do! But that’s not a healthy dynamic for any couple.”
Connor’s thumbs still. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying…” I take a shaky breath and gently pull my hands away from Connor and place them on my lap. “I’m saying I need to work on myself, but I need to do it for me, not for anyone else. And I think I need to do it alone.”
It’s too painful to look directly at him, so I look down at my hands instead, nervously picking the pink polish off my nails. But even without looking at him, I can feel Connor’s expression. Seconds tick by slowly while I let him absorb everything I’ve just said.
“I understand,” he finally says.
I look up in surprise when I register his calm tone. “You do?” I hadn’t planned for this and find myself unsure of how to react to his reaction.
“I do,” he says with a sigh. “You need time to get yourself to a place where you are happy, and you want to do it on your own. I agree, you should be doing this for yourself, no one else.”
I nod. “Exactly.”
“So, what are you proposing? A couple of weeks away at a wellness retreat or something? I’m not going to lie, it’s going to be hard to be apart from you for that long, but if it’s what you need, I am totally on board.”
Ah, shit.
“No, not exactly… I think it’s going to take more than a couple of weeks.”
“Okay, whatever you need, Tilly. Three weeks?” There’s a hint of desperation in his voice now. He knows where this is heading.
“I don’t know exactly. It could be months…”
“Then we’ll make it work.”
“Connor, listen to me…”
“I’ll wait for you.” Connor’s jaw clenches, either in determination or in an attempt not to let his emotions get the better of him, I’m not sure which. “Please, let me wait for you.”
“I can’t ask you to do that. It wouldn’t be fair.” Tears line my eyes once again.
“I don’t want to be without you, Matilda. You can have as much time and space as you need, just don’t put an end to us.”
“It’s the right thing to do. For both of us.”
It’s true. As gut-wrenching as this is, it’s for the best.
When Connor replies, his voice is soft, defeated. “If it’s the right thing, why does it feel so wrong?”
“The right things aren’t always easy. I’ll get a hotel room until I can sort myself out with my own place.”
“You’re moving out too? Tilly, at least live with me, I’ll stay out of your way, I promise! You can have Ivy’s room again.”
“That wouldn’t work and you know it. It’s probably best if we cut ties completely…”
“What the fuck, Tilly? We can’t even be friends?”
“I can’t be friends with you,” I sob. “You have no idea how agonising it is to say that because I love you so fucking much. The thought of not seeing you every day kills me! When something happens, good or bad, you’re the first person I want to talk to about it.
I want to share everything with you. I want a life with you.
But if I don’t do this properly, I won’t get better, and I won’t end up having a life with you anyway. I won’t have a life at all.”
Horror consumes Connor’s face when my words sink in and he realises the meaning behind them, and I know I’ve won. Not that this feels like much of a victory.
“I love you,” Connor whispers, reaching over to caress my cheek.
“I hate this, Tilly. I fucking hate it. But I want you to be safe. I’d prefer if you were close so I could help to keep you safe, but I understand why you’re doing this.
It might just break my heart, but I…” Connor swallows, a tear escaping his eye. “I support you.”
Clashing emotions battle for control in my chest. Relief. Anxiety. Sadness. Love. Mainly love. Not wanting to drag out the pain for either of us, I decide to make a hasty exit.
“I’ll just grab a couple of things from upstairs, then I’ll be out of your hair.”
“No.” Despite the obvious devastation on his face, Connor’s voice is firm.
“What? You just said you’d support me.”
“And I will. Tomorrow. I’ll even help you pack. But there’s no way I’m letting you go tonight.” His tone turns pleading as he threads both hands into my hair, forcing me to look at him. “Please give me one more night before I have to say goodbye to the only woman I’ll ever love.”
Well, shit. How can I say no to that?