Chapter Sixty-Three
Yeah”, Jayceon says.
“But... his wolf,” I mutter.
There is barely room for his wolf to lie around.
He's not allowed out of this room except for showers.
He's not allowed to go for runs. His wolf could become a shell of who he is.
His wolf is suffering because of Joel's decision.
I don't know why, but it's making me upset.
He's suffering. I know he rejected me, but he's being treated worse than the violent offenders.
That doesn't sound right. His crime of rejecting me shouldn’t have been this. But I can't forget he challenged Axe.
“That's his punishment,” Jayceon says.
“Can he hear us?” I ask.
“No it's sound proof.”
“Can I talk to him?”
“I thought you didn't want to,” Jayceon remarks. I just stare at him then he turns to the door.
“Get up.” Jayceon bangs on the door after unlocking a small hatch and sliding it across.
Joel gets up groggily. He has an unkempt beard taking over his face. He's got thick hair. He looks like a different person. His eyes link with mine and he stands up and stops right in front of the window. I can't even try to explain what expression is on his face.
“Why are you here?” His voice doesn't hold the confidence it once did.
“I...I...” I stumble for words.
“I thought you'd like to see her,” Jayceon says wickedly.
“Drop dead, Jayceon,” Joel says with a gravelly voice but doesn't take his eyes off mine. “Leave, Elora,” he says with complete defeat in his voice. He turns around and sits on his bed; sunken shoulders, his head dropped low.
“I want to talk to him alone,” I say to Jayceon.
“Fine, I'll wait in the next room.” Jayceon gives me a questioning expression before leaving.
“Joel,” I call softly. He ignores me. “Are you okay?”
I know it's a stupid question but I ask it anyway.
“Just go.” His voice breaks.
“Joel, I…” I don't know what to say to him.
“I don't forgive you,” he whispers.
“For what?”
“Putting me here.” Joel looks up at me with tears running down his face.
It makes me uncomfortable seeing him like this.
“I'm locked in here for the rest of my life because of a stupid mistake I made as a teenager.
I rejected you because I loved Jenna. Is that really a crime?
I'm locked up because I loved another girl too much.” His voice isn't accusatory or angry. Just broken.
“Joel...”
“Why are you trying to hurt me? You think I can't sense that you're carrying the alpha's child?”
The way he looks into my eyes penetrates my soul. I can feel his emotions surging through this door. I didn't want to hurt Joel by telling him I’m pregnant, but he's already sensed it.
“I'm sorry.” I don't know why but I apologise. My hand goes to my stomach.
“You sentenced me to a life of misery because you couldn't forgive my idiocy.
I've had a lot of time to think in here and I hate that when I rejected you, you went to another man.
What happened between us was teenage drama and you involved the hierarchy in our business.
I would have gotten over Jenna. Life would have been different after high school.
You don't know what could have happened with us...”
“If I wasn't your first choice, why would I have waited?” I question.
“I was eighteen and you're holding this against me.
Jenna was my first. All the other male wolves thought I was a loser to be serious about her but I was only with one woman.
They were all fucking anything they could get their hands on.
You couldn't forgive me for being loyal to one woman, yet no one bats an eye with all the heinous acts of other males. Answer me this. If you had met the alpha first and then found out I was your mate, would I have been your first choice?”
His question makes all words leave me. He has a point.
If I met Joel now, when I'm so in love with Axe, would I have chosen him?
Axe is my first just like Jenna was Joel's.
Even after Jenna found her mate, she approached me several times about Joel's sentence.
She still cared about him even though she had found her mate.
We've all created connections with people who aren't our mates.
Joel and Jenna. Axe and me. Brian and Carson, though they've never pursued it. Destined mates are a complex curse.
“Answer it, Elora.” Joel stands, coming over to the door. He's slimmed down but his height still makes him appear strong.
“I can't,” I choke out.
“You got your wish. I'm alone and Jenna is just a memory now. What's bad is I can't even kill myself in here to end the pain.”
There is no response to that. I walk out and Jayceon frowns when he sees me.
I don't even wait for him to escort me. I walk through the prison, letting the tears fall.
The words that just came from Joel shattered me.
The people in my life who hurt me broke me.
I was broken. No matter what I had been through, I always thought I would never cause someone pain like that.
But my destined mate just told me he wants to die.
I broke him. I thought what I was doing was right.
I thought that justice had to be served.
But really, what was the justice for? Because Joel hurt my feelings?
I don't want to be like the monstrosities.
I don't want to be the reason someone wants to kill themself.
When I get out of the final door of the prison, I empty my stomach outside.
I try to calm myself but it doesn't work so I just keep walking through the streets.
I come across my old house. No one lives there anymore.
I go inside and feel a nauseating wave wash over me.
The furniture is still here. But all the personal items are gone.
Waves of bad memories hit me. I open the door to my room.
The bed is there but everything I left is gone.
I go over to the bed and lie down on it, curling into a ball and crying.
Everything Joel said is playing over in my mind on a loop.
Why do Ember, Hannah and Mitchell get four years in prison when they intended to kill me on multiple occasions?
Yet Joel loved his first love too much and got life in solitary.
All because he didn't give me a chance. Everyone else who went to trial knew they were going to be punished but had their say to defend themselves.
Joel never got that chance. They basically threw him in a cell and threw away the key.
None of this is right. I thought Axe's justice was exactly that.
Justice. But it's not. Joel's so-called justice was Axe's revenge.
Axe was angry that he lost his mate and Joel rejected me.
That was playing on his mind. Instead of putting Joel on trial, it was immediate solitary.
Why did Joel get a longer sentence than all the lowlifes who actually inflicted harm on me?
Seeing Joel was sad. Prison changed him.
He was the egotistical jerk in high school.
Now he's... he's nothing. He's ready to die and I pushed him to that point.
I can't get over that. I became something I never wanted to be, someone who hurts other people.
It's nearing the evening when I usually go see my mum at the border but I can't even bring myself to.
Axe knows I see her every night so that gives me a couple hours of extra alone time before he comes looking for me.
I know my mum will be waiting for me like she always is, but she knows sometimes I don't show.
Especially after I told her I'm pregnant.
It's strange. For the last six months, I have lived in bliss.
Ignorant fucking bliss. I could have gone my whole life not knowing about Joel's suffering.
But that can't happen now. I've seen him.
I can't be happy with the guilt I feel. I don't know if my feelings are abnormal or the pregnancy is making me super sensitive to everything around me.
But I have to do something about this. I can't live feeling like Joel's blood is on my hands.
Even if he can't kill himself, he has died inside. His metaphorical blood is on my hands.
I fought Jenna because she cared about Joel's well-being. Have I become a different person? This was never me, was it? Has Axe's harshness rubbed off on me? With all these thoughts in my head, I get the biggest headache, so I clench my eyes shut, grind my teeth and hope for sleep.
***
I wake up and roll over. Seeing Axe's large figure in the corner of the room scares me and makes me jump. I sit up against the headboard. Since the curtains are blocking the sun out, Axe looks scary in the dim light.
“Where have you been?” he questions in a low voice, his voice deadly calm yet I know there's anger behind those eyes.
“I just needed to be alone.”
“Why?” His jaw is clenched.
“I'm pregnant and hormonal. Can't you give me some space?”
“No, Elora.” Axe raises his voice.
“You have another thing coming if you think you can raise your voice to me while I'm pregnant,” I speak, feeling my temper flaring.
“This has nothing to do with you being pregnant. Jayceon told me where you were yesterday after I fucking smashed the living room because I was so worried about where you were.” Axe's voice is gruff.
“How'd Jayceon know I was here?” I ask.
“He didn't know you were here. He told me about the prison. I had my soldiers run the lands. While I was scoping out the residential area, I came across your scent.”
“Okay.” I let myself go limp in the bed, just wanting to relax.
“Okay? How dare you go into a prison and spend the night somewhere else when you're carrying my fucking child?” There's a vein in his neck that I can visibly see throbbing.
“Back off, Axe. I'm trying to figure out all these emotions I'm feeling and if they're because of the pregnancy.”
“Emotions after seeing Joel? You went to see him, without asking me. The worthless mutt seduced you into feeling sorry for him, did he? Why the fuck do you still care about him? All ties should have been cut when you rejected him,” Axe snaps.
I've seen Axe angry before but not like this and not towards me.
“What are you talking about? Joel rejected me. That's what all this is about,” I say.
Axe's angry eyes slowly return to their colour and I see him calming down.
“Wait. Tell me exactly what happened with the rejection.” Axe comes over and sits on the bed but as far away from me as he can.
“I saw him. He saw me. He said he rejects me then walked off. What more is there to say?”
“Now I get it.” Axe shakes his head in disbelief.
“You couldn't let go of Joel because the rejection wasn't done right. Once one side rejects, the other side has to accept the rejection for the bond to break. The bond lessened. It won’t break until you accept it.
You still feel a pull to him because you're still tied to him.”
“No one has ever talked about that.” I frown.
I didn't realise I had to accept his rejection for it to be a done deal.
“Fucking hell. People really need to start reading the history of werewolves. Only the leaders seem to.”
“Look, I'm tired and need to eat. Can we talk about this later?” I get out of the bed.
“No. We are going to the prison right now and you're accepting the rejection. Then you're mine a hundred percent.” Axe stands.
“No,” I murmur.
I can't accept the rejection. Not while Joel is in such a bad place. After knowing this, the only humanity he would feel is the tie that's still with me. If I take that away from him, he will truly have given up. I can't do that to a person. Joel's suicide would feel like homicide to me.