Chapter 43
WE CRASHED AND BURNED.
Fast and hard. Without any warning.
One minute, I'm in the embrace of the boy I'm madly in love with, drowning in comfort and relief that he's choosing to stay by my side with the half-truth I've conveyed to him.
The next minute, he broke my heart with sharp words and a glare so icy it could set in motion a second Ice Age.
Still reeling from how devastatingly quick it all went south, I barely have time to recover when I'm bombarded by a series of questions that make me feel like a convict, handcuffed to a table inside an interrogation room. And instead of the good-cop-bad-cop approach, I'm stuck with two bad cops.
"Dude, what the fuck?" comes Ashton's disbelieving words, equal parts shock, confusion, and disappointment.
"Is he the reason you broke up with me?" Sasha demands, tears brimming her eyes, controlled outrage leaking from every word.
"I –"
I can barely get a word out. Partly because I'm at a loss for words to dig my way out of this shitshow but mostly because they keep talking over each other, reprimanding, scolding, telling me all the ways they're disappointed in me and how they can't believe I could do something so terrible.
Sasha is full on crying now. She's crossed the sick bay, standing on my left. She reaches for me, gripping the front of my shirt, demanding in her hysteria to know why – how – could I betray her this way.
Ashton keeps talking. Sasha keeps crying and shouting.
The commotion pulls Nurse Larsen out of her office and her voice adds to the building pressure weighing me down, ripping strength away from my ability to get a handle on the situation.
She's demanding to know what all the fuss is about, telling them they shouldn't be overwhelming me since I'm not well.
They don't hear it.
Pressure continues to rise. My heart is racing a mile a minute, a dull throb pounding in my head. I'm overstimulated, dazed and reeling.
"Shut the fuck up!"
My head drops, the metaphorical weight on my shoulders a boulder. The pounding in my head increasing and I bury my face in my palms, my breathing nothing more than hollow pants. The pressure is still there, the rise and fall of my chest painful.
Silence cuts through, their voices drowned until only the air-conditioning can be heard.
"Please," I beg, staring down at my lap unable to throw together a proper sentence. "Just...stop."
Quiet footsteps echo through the sick bay. Sasha shifts beside me uneasily as Nurse Larsen comes forward, dropping a gentle hand on my shoulder. Surprisingly, her small, almost meaningless gesture gives me the comfort that disappeared out the door with Sky's speedy departure.
"Jace," she starts. "Are you all right?"
My hands tremble as I move them away from my face, pressing my palms against my knees. I take deep breaths to calm down, keeping my gaze locked onto the white bedspread. I have to face Sasha at some point. Ashton too. And I'll do it now; I just need one moment to gather my bearings.
"No," I whisper. "My head aches."
Nurse Larsen nods. "I'll get you an Ibuprofen and some water." She turns to Sasha and Ashton with admonishing stares. She shakes her head. "He's not well. The last thing he needs is to be overwhelmed."
Sasha crosses her arms over her chest, matching Nurse Larsen's disapproving stare with defiance of her own. "He owes me an explanation. With all due respect, Nurse Larsen, it's got nothing to do with you."
"Sasha –" Nurse Larsen tries but I cut her off.
"I'll be fine, Nurse Larsen. Please. Give us a moment."
The school nurse looks at me with concern and uncertainty almost as if she doesn't trust Sasha and Ashton to leave me alone with them. To be fair, I don't feel like being alone with them is the best idea, either. They won't hurt me, but admittingly, I've angered them.
Seems as though everyone's either pissed at me or can't be around me for too long these days. A hollow pangs settles in my chest at the thought, bringing on a wave of loneliness I haven't felt in a long time.
Reluctantly, she leaves after shooting my friends warning looks, disappearing back around the corner to her office.
The second she's out of sight; they pounce on me again.
"Care to explain what that was about?" Sasha tosses.
"Dude, what the actual fuck has gotten into you?" comes Ashton's question.
I glance at Ashton. "You know what the fuck has gotten into me."
He shakes his head. "I'm not talking about that but if you want to go there," he counters with an exasperated sigh. He crosses his arms. "What was your point in breaking up with Sasha if you were just going to jump on someone else?"
"It's not like that," I defend.
"Then what's it really like?" Sasha pushes.
"I can't think of one proper reason why you'd dump me unless it has to do with Sky Daniels. How long has this been going on, Jace? Have you two been sneaking around behind my back while using the tutoring thing as an excuse to hook up because you two looked really cozy just now."
"When you put it like that, I see how it looks," I say. "But I'm telling you the truth. That's not what really happened."
"Then help me understand." Her eyes water again.
I hear the desperation in her voice. She wants to believe I would never be so cruel to her and while I want to believe that too, I can't evade all blame forever.
I fell for Sky while I was still in a relationship with her but the kind of love I once had for her... that disappeared a while ago.
But there is a silver lining in all of this. At least, for her.
"Tell me you didn't leave me for him," she begs.
I glance over at Ashton whose face is scrunched in a way that tells me all he can't say: She deserves the truth. All of it.
Ashton clears his throat. "I'll give you two a moment."
When he leaves, it's just Sasha and me. Nurse Larsen has yet to return and I doubt she's coming back any time soon, reading between the lines that I need a while to settle the chaos of being found out like this.
"My decision to end our relationship has nothing to do with him."
Sasha scoffs. "I asked you if there was someone else. You said there was. Kind of."
"I know how it looks. But I didn't leave you for him."
She raises a neat eyebrow; her pretty face scrunched with wrath and fury storming in her brown eyes.
Even angry as hell, looking like she'll love nothing more than to thrash me sideways and kick me so hard I'll fly to Mars – and I'll let her – she still looks beautiful and the image of strength I wish I had.
"I left you because..." I take a deep breath.
Here goes nothing.
"Because I'm sick."
"Sick?" Her voice comes as a harsh rasp.
In the terse, pulsing silence, I watch every flicker and change of her face, seeing the metaphorical gears in her mind working to make sense of my admission.
I can pinpoint the exact moment realization dawns as she pieces it together, perhaps scrutinizing the subtle but definite changes she noticed in the past but ignored for her own reasons.
Sasha isn't the confrontational type. If she noticed and never asked or said a word, it's either because she feared confirming her suspicions or figured it wasn't her place to voice her worries, though she would have full range to do so as my girlfriend.
"You suspected."
She shakes her head, her voice raspy and soft. "I didn't want it to be true. I thought...I thought maybe you were going through something and needed time." Her tears fall now, but for a different reason. A strangled sob rips out of her, and she clasps a hand over her mouth.
A fat teardrop falls, followed by another, and then another. It's more than I can bear, and it forces me to look away.
The utter devastation in her voice when she says, "That's why you pulled away. You're already leaving," shatters me.
I catch her before she hits the ground, her sobs wrenched so hard out of her that she bows over. Wounding my arms tight around her, Sasha does the same, clinging to me as she trembles because I'm literally the only thing keeping her standing.
Her sobs carry, echoing in through the sick bay. They're loud enough to bring Nurse Larsen jogging back to us but she pauses, picking up quickly that this is a delicate moment and no one's physically hurt.
Nurse Larsen backs away, going back down the hallway. Sasha continues to cry, each trembling sob a stab into my chest because this is the main reason I hadn't wanted to tell her. I hate the sight of tears in her eyes. I hate what knowledge of my condition is doing to her.
I can't say anything to offer comfort, both because it would be pointless, and given how quickly Sky and I got together, guilt keeps my mouth shut.
It's a long time before Sasha's cries cease and an even longer time before she disentangles as though staying in my arms could stretch the illusion that we're still together.
"Why'd didn't you tell me?"
"Because I'm scared too," I admit. "I'm more afraid than I've ever been. Remember Monday's appointment?"
Her gaze flicks to mine, brown eyes shining and misting again with the realization of what I'm about to confess.
"I got the final diagnosis. It's terminal." Sasha's jaw quivers and she's quick to clamp her lips tight. This won't be easy for her, the next few days or weeks or however long it'll take before she can come to terms with it and I'll take full responsibility for the cruelty I'm forcing her to endure.
A broken heart and the inevitable countdown of my days.
"The truth is," I continue, "I've been diagnosed twice before, but I was able to..."
I pause, smiling a smile I don't feel as I look at her, "I was able to beat it before. It came back last year. I didn't know how to tell you...or anyone and...I didn't want to. I thought I could beat it again. And then something changed."
"What? What changed?"
"The finals in March. When we won. Something clicked and I realized...I knew that I wasn't going to win. So, I took the easy way out and I started to pull away. What happened between me and Sky wasn't something I expected. I never wanted to hurt you."
"But you did."
"I thought I could protect you. I'm sorry, Sasha." Fuck it! This is difficult enough. Now is not the time for me to get choked up too.
Licking my lips and blinking away the assault of incoming tears, I glance away to get a hold of myself.
"I understand completely if you hate me –"
"I don't hate you. But I...Jace." More tears fall as she backs away.
I nod. "I understand. Take all the time you need."