Chapter 20
Noah
I can’t stop staring.
Liv even reached over and whacked my arm, telling me to stop on the way to the hospital. All in good fun, of course, but she hates attention. That much I’ve learned. I always wondered how she was so oblivious to the attention she receives.
She’s not. She’s ignoring it.
She drops breadcrumbs of information for me to gather as insight into her life. I devour each tidbit, craving everything she gives me and hoping she shares the full loaf one day.
When we arrive at the hospital, I can’t help but notice we look every bit the little family.
I grin at our reflection in the windows while approaching the doors.
My brothers and I joked around about me not having kids anytime soon.
I stood firm that I had no interest in kids at this juncture.
Starting my own family seemed like a foreign concept. Why wouldn’t it be?
I’m barely out of grad school and haven’t dated anyone seriously in years. The woman at the counter might be to blame for that. Things changed fast. Now look at me, bouncing my own kid on my knee in a hospital waiting room.
I’ve been successful at keeping the future at bay, but thinking about how I just saw my brothers the other night is a swift kick of reality.
I’m a dad. A parent.
I scrub a hand over my face. What am I going to tell them and the rest of my family? How? When?
I haven’t even processed this fact yet, much less how we move forward from here.
When I go home tomorrow, do I go home alone?
I don’t have a nursery or anyone to take care of him while I’m at work.
If I leave him at her apartment, how do I move on with life like this didn’t happen? Or do we work to find a middle ground?
I didn’t picture having a family dropped onto my lap. Literally. But now I can’t imagine what it would be like without them there, without me being a part of their daily lives. How do I live life without seeing my son every day?
Fuck. I scrub a hand over my face. We have so little time to figure things out, and I don’t know where to start.
Drool coats my hand, bringing my gaze back to my little guy. Doesn’t matter what the adult world demands of me, I smile because Max has done a one-eighty to my perspective. “It will work out, right, Max?”
“Dada.”
“Yeah, I’m your dada.” I grab a wipe from the bag while Liv gets an update on Cassandra. She returns with a smile I read as good news, squats next to the stroller, and pulls out a rubber ring. After clipping it to his sleeve, she hands it to him. “He’s teething.”
“He’s a happy chap for teething.”
“He’s happy with you.”
I kiss his head. His hair is soft, and his smell wakes parts of myself I didn’t know existed.
I see the world differently. It happened in the blink of an eye.
The dangers lurk from a plug to a creeper standing at the corner eyeing Max when we’re out of the apartment.
I see everything in a new way, and it revolves around this kid and the need to protect him at all costs.
I wrap both my arms around him. “I’ll always be here for you, buddy. ”
So many thoughts crowd my mind that I can’t think straight. My heart thumps in my chest just staring at her because she’s done the same to me but has awoken different emotions. Again.
I thought I was over her, but I was hiding from the truth. She couldn’t push me away this week because I didn’t want her to. I’ve been holding on to hope since I laid eyes on her in that conference room.
Fate brought us together again, but a second chance is up to us.
God, I sound like Marina. She’s going to have a fucking field day with this situation.
Liv picks Max up and cuddles him to her side. Their bond means she gets to take these things, like holding him, for granted. “They’re going to let Max and me visit Cassandra. I hate to have you just sitting here.”
“It’s okay. I don’t mind.” Standing, I tuck my hands in my pockets. “I can do some work.” It’s been less than twenty-four hours, but work seems like a million years ago.
“There’s a coffee shop around the corner. Would you rather meet there instead of hanging around a hospital?”
“Sure. Want me to take the stroller?” She sets Max in it just as I ask the question.
“No, it’s okay. I’ll use it.”
She slips on the hoodie and makes sure he’s settled before pushing off. Looking back, she says, “I’ll see you in a little while.”
I don’t know what happens. Nothing makes sense to me. I’m running off instinct instead of logic. I go to her, caressing the side of her neck as she looks into my eyes. We share a silent exchange that tells me she’s as lost in the circumstance as I am.
But we have each other, and that elicits a smile made just for me. I kiss her, savoring the gentle pressure, and let her go. “See you later.”
Despite the way we appear to the outside world, we’re not a family in the traditional sense. I’m his dad, but what am I to her? The father of her child. A coworker? A one-night stand that turned into two?
What is she to me? Is she my endgame? Emptiness washes through me as I watch them walk away. Do I want her to be? I find myself standing there and staring down the hall where they’ve long disappeared. Judging by how I feel without her, she just might be.
Exhaling, I turn and leave the hospital.
It’s a short walk to the other end of the block to find the coffee shop, but that’s not what draws me in.
It’s the toy store beside it. A bell rings above my head when I enter.
The colorful wonderland of toys has bookcases packed beyond their brims and overflowing shelves of odds and ends.
Even the floor has toys all over, kids giggling as they run the short aisles at the back as their parents chase them.
“Welcome.” The girl’s smile is wider than the Grand Canyon, her blue hair and purple dress with green tights fit in with the vibrant environment. She hands me a lollipop and asks, “How can we spark your imagination?”
I hold the lollipop over my shoulder. “Just saw the store and came in.”
“Fantastic! Let’s get you some toys. What do you like to play with?”
The words alone send my mind to the gutter and have me wondering if Liv has any toys she’d like to play with . . . in front of me, of course. Wrong type of toy store. Focus, Westcott. “Um, I don’t know?”
“Are you buying for yourself or someone special in your life?”
The obvious answer is Max, but Liv is more than his mother. The lights of who she’s becoming to me already shine brighter. “I have two people who are special to me.”
“I love that. If you share a little about each of them, I can steer you in the right direction.”
Looking around, I go with Max. “I have a son. He’s fourteen months old.”
“That’s sweet. Do you have a photo?”
A photo. The only one I have is of Liv holding Max in the bathroom. Since she’s only in her bra, it’s best if I don’t share that one publicly. Failure hits fast. “I don’t.”
“That’s okay. What does he like to play with?”
“Um.” I scan the aisle nearby and exhale, feeling like an embarrassment of a father. “I just found out.”
Her eyes widen, but she keeps on smiling. Should I have confessed that secret? Probably not, but I don’t want to live in lies. She says, “That’s some pretty awesome news.”
“It is.” My ego doesn’t feel so wounded, so I ask, “I like cars. Do kids his age like cars?”
“Kids his age love cars.” Without an ounce of judgment, she turns on her white Doc Martens and says, “Follow me.” She leads me down an aisle and then cuts over to another.
“This whole section is age-appropriate toys. Have a look around and let me know if I can help you with that other someone special.”
“Thanks.”
I bend to look at the wooden ones, but they’re not that interesting. I mean, if I’m getting a car, it should be something real I can share with him. Max had a whole bucket of them, so I should contribute to the collection.
A car catches my eye. The miniature Aston Martin is bigger than his other cars but small enough for him to hold in his hands. Safe for a kid who puts everything in his mouth. I get one in blue and another in silver that matches mine.
I stand back up and cruise a few aisles, thinking about Liv and what she might like. Or maybe I’m way off track, and she’d prefer flowers?
Unlike the salesgirl who fits in with her surroundings, I have no sense of my place in Liv’s life.
She likes salad, sexy-as-fuck shoes, and apparently, Sons of Anarchy is a secret she’s been keeping, but otherwise, I have no clue what she likes.
I scratch the back of my neck and study the store.
Standing in front of the stuffed animals, I think about her apartment.
It’s clean and neutral. Like, there’s not a lot of clutter. None at all, actually.
I grab a lobster and head toward the register, figuring Max will probably like it if she hates it. Or I’ll keep it if they don’t.
The salesgirl grins, looking at my hands. “What treasures did you find?”
“Cars for my little guy and a stuffed lobster for my . . .” Friend? Baby mama? This is so fucking confusing. “Friend.”
“I think your friend and son will love these. Would you like me to gift wrap them?”
“Yes, please.”
She takes the supplies and taps on the register. “I’ll wrap them extra special.”
“Thank you.”
A few minutes later, I go to the coffee shop with my bag of presents and sit with an espresso at a table near the window.
Scrolling emails does nothing to take my mind off Liv and Max.
I even attempt to reply to a few, but my head is not in it.
A few days ago, I was riding high on a new job, making friends at the office, enjoying life in the city, and discovered a money scheme by one of the owners’ sons.
I don’t care about any of that now.
Resting forward on the table, I rub the bridge of my nose. How is it possible for a week to feel like a year? I’m sure it’s the lack of sleep, but will rest give me the clarity to know how to handle all this?