Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
‘Did he kiss you?’ Carrie asked as they sat having a coffee in The Manor gardens the following day.
‘No, of course not. Besides, Erin was in the car on the way home.’
‘Bet he’d have kissed you if she wasn’t.’
‘No, he wouldn’t.’
‘He wanted to.’
‘How on earth do you know that?’
‘Because I saw him watching you all evening. His eyes were following you around the room.’
‘That’s probably because he was looking to see who I was talking to, so we didn’t double up.’
‘Nonsense!’
Jules bit her lip.
‘I’ve decided it’s time to go back to Manchester.’
‘Why? I thought you liked it here.’ Carrie cast her a sly glance. ‘I thought you were beginning to like Lance.’
‘Of course I like him. He’s kind and gentle and thoughtful and I love the way that bit of hair on the back of his head won’t lie flat and the fact that his nails are always so immaculate even though he works with paint and clay.’
‘Oh dear, that sounds serious.’
‘I know – and that’s why I’ve got to go. It’s not just Lance, it’s Erin, too. I can’t risk hurting her.’
‘You’re running away.’
‘Yes.’
Jules turned her vintage teacup around in its saucer.
‘I wanted to kiss him.’
‘Ah!’
‘And he makes me feel safe. I never felt safe with Gavin. I’ve never thought I wanted to feel safe in a relationship before. I always thought it would be boring.’
‘And now?’
‘Safe feels…’
How did it feel? She tried to recapture that contentment from sitting next to him on the jetty, their feet making circular patterns in the water.
‘…accepting. Lance accepts people for who they are. That’s why they feel at ease with him. Gavin wanted to change me. I wanted to change myself for him to be more glamorous, more erudite, more cultured, more organised, more everything.’
‘Sounds like hard work.’
‘It was. I was always running to catch up and never feeling good enough.’
‘And Lance makes you feel good enough?’
‘I think he could if I let him.’
Carrie leaned over and gave her a hug.
‘Why not stay a bit longer and let him do that? Let us all do that?’
‘I can’t. It’s not fair. I’ll let him down. I let everyone down.’
‘No, you don’t.’
‘I’m not certain if how I feel is real or if it’s just because I’m desperate for someone to love me. And I’m not certain how he feels about me or how long a relationship would last or…’
‘If you’re looking for certainty, you won’t find it,’ Carrie said, feeding some of her cake crumbs to the robin at her feet. ‘Uncertainty is part of life, but surely that’s a reason to take a chance on something or someone because we never know what’s around the corner?’
Jules heard the rumble of a wheelbarrow and saw Guy walking along the path towards the vegetable patch.
‘You were certain about Guy though, about staying here.’
‘As certain as I could be, but not totally. Don’t forget I’d been hurt, too.
I was worried that Guy might be a rebound choice, probably like you are.
What’s that saying from the Bible? “Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself”, or something like that.
Rita would know the exact wording and where it’s from. ’
‘I’d like to see Rita before I go.’
‘If you’re really determined to leave, I can’t stop you.’
‘But you could take me to visit Rita. Now she’s on the mend you can ask her a bit more about Philly.’
‘Have you told your mum you’re going back?’
‘Not yet.’
‘She can stay in the cottage if she wants to.’
‘That’s really kind, but you need to be letting that out now. I think she’ll probably want to go home soon and see my sister.’
Carrie drained her cup.
‘Shall I pick you up this afternoon to visit Rita?’
Jules nodded.
‘Are you going to tell Lance you’re leaving?’
‘Yes.’
‘Face to face?’
Jules nodded.
‘In fact, there’s no point in putting this off. If you can drop me at the pottery now, I’ll see if he’s free.’
‘Poor Lance,’ Carrie murmured. ‘I have the feeling you’re just about to ruin his day.’
Lance was in the studio setting out pieces of paper and coloured crayons on low tables. Jules stood in the doorway watching him for a moment, the little crease of concentration between his brows as he stooped, the carelessly rolled up sleeves of his linen shirt about to unravel towards his wrists.
She could imagine his arms wrapped around her waist as he pulled her closer. She blushed as he looked up, sensing that he was being watched.
‘Jules! This is a nice surprise.’
His whole face lit up, the crease between his brows smoothed away to be superseded by wrinkles radiating like the sun’s rays from the sides of his eyes.
‘Children’s party later. It’ll be organised chaos, but hopefully they’ll enjoy it.’ Just as quickly his smile faded. ‘Is everything okay? Is it Rita?’
She realised that she must have looked so serious, distraught even, as if someone had died.
‘Rita’s fine. I’m going to see her this afternoon.’
She paused. Morwenna jumped off the windowsill and sauntered over to twine around her legs. She bent down to scratch behind the cat’s ears.
‘To say goodbye,’ she said quietly.
He looked stunned.
‘Is this a sudden decision? I mean, last night I thought… you gave no indication…’
‘No, sorry. I decided this morning.’
She looked around the studio space and tried to memorise everything; the vintage jars crammed with pencils and paintbrushes, the multitude of aprons hanging on an assortment of pegs, red geraniums on the windowsill, some of their petals adorning the floor like bright confetti.
‘When are you going?’
‘Tomorrow morning.’
‘No time to glaze your bowl.’
‘No. I thought I’d give it to Tasha to do. She’ll choose beautiful colours.’
‘Have you told her?’
‘No, not yet.’
He sat down on a child’s chair. He looked ridiculous, all legs and arms.
‘I thought you’d come back and spend more time here with us, meet Fitz, spend time with me. When you were in here the other evening and I was doing some paperwork, that was – nice. I know we barely spoke, but just to have you here made me feel happier than I have in a long time.’
She placed her hands across her chest.
‘This isn’t easy, but the longer I stay the more difficult it will be to leave.’
He looked up.
‘Then don’t! There must be midwifery jobs here and definitely some on the mainland; Portsmouth and Southampton are only just across the water. You would be able to get a job there.’
‘You make it sound so simple. I have a home in Manchester, friends, a life…’
‘You have friends here and from what I saw last night you could make more easily. You could rent out your Manchester place while you see if things work out.’
She didn’t know what he meant, while what worked out?
‘And where would I live? I can’t stay at the cottage indefinitely and I can’t move in with Carrie and Guy, although I know they’d offer.’
‘Here, you can stay here.’
‘Lance, I can’t.’
‘Why not? We have a spare room.’ He held up his hands. ‘No strings. No pressure. Just to see where it goes.’
She moved towards him and crouched down.
‘I’ll hurt you. I’m not a long-term relationship person. I get scared of commitment. If Gavin hadn’t done what he did I’d probably have sabotaged that in some way, too.’
‘I’m willing to take that risk.’
She took his clasped hands and cupped them within hers.
‘I know you are, and I’m really flattered, but I’m not going to let you do that.’
She reached up and held her hand against his cheek.
‘One day you will meet someone who is worthy of your love and who won’t let you down.’ She stood up before dipping down to kiss him on the cheek. ‘One day you’ll look back and think you had a lucky escape with me.’
And she turned her back on him and walked out as quickly as she could so he wouldn’t see the tears beginning to stream down her face.
Beulah’s bags were packed and by the front door when she returned to the cottage.
‘Oh, my darling girl. What has happened?’
Jules couldn’t explain so she let Carrie do the talking and just listened. She felt desperate, even more desperate than when Carrie had first brought her here such a short time ago. But she was doing the right thing. She was definitely doing the right thing.
‘I got a call while you were out,’ Beulah explained. ‘My audition has been brought forward, but I’ll call and tell them I can’t make it.’
‘No, don’t do that,’ Jules said. ‘You must go, Mum. This is important to you.’
‘But you are more important.’
‘I’ll be fine. I’m leaving tomorrow myself.’
‘Why don’t you come with me now?’ Beulah said. ‘You can get a train to Manchester from London.’
It was tempting, but Jules shook her head. She looked around. She needed a little more time here on her own.
‘I want to visit Rita this afternoon and check how she is.’
Beulah looked unconvinced.
‘I’ll stay with her tonight,’ Carrie reassured.
‘And you’ll call me tomorrow?’ she asked Jules. ‘When you get back to Manchester? I really don’t like to think of you going back there on your own.’
‘I don’t either,’ Carrie said, ‘so I’m going to go with her and stay for a couple of days.’
‘Oh no, you’re not,’ Jules said.
‘Oh, yes, I am,’ Carrie replied, ‘and I’m not going to take no for an answer.’
‘It feels so quiet,’ Jules said, when Beulah had finally gone, after several false starts because she’d forgotten shoes and hats and to give Jules an extra kiss for protection.
‘She certainly brings a certain amount of chaos with her, your mum,’ Carrie said, as she prepared some sandwiches for a light lunch.
‘It sounds almost wrong to say it, because of what’s happened, but it has been good to have her here.’
‘I’m pleased.’
Carrie stopped spreading a little French mustard on the sourdough bread and looked around the kitchen.
‘I think the house is pleased that she’s gone.’
‘How strange you should say that. I think so, too. After we found the baby there was so much turbulence in the atmosphere, all of that peacefulness which makes this a special place disappeared, but after Mum and Jo made the shrine, it’s started to come back. There is forgiveness in the air.’
‘And we all need a little more of that,’ Carrie replied.