Chapter Twenty-Eight #3
I hated that I was attracted to him, hated that his body had a huge part to play in it, but his mind and manners also drew me in.
Hated that I was … maybe … potentially …
already developing a silly crush. He was handsome, and there was something regal about the way he walked, and something stomach-flipping about the way he talked, and that …
that thing he did with his eyes whenever he looked at me or anyone, or anything …
the way he’d squint a little and then how his eyes would harden, or the way his lips had that permanent downturned tilt that made him look like he was not impressed with anything around him.
There was just this way about him …
My fingers brushed the hilt of his gun, and I stopped when I found his initials at the bottom of it.
E.M.
I scoffed. “Pompous fucker.”
I slipped the gun back underneath my pillow and turned to my side, closing my eyes, trying to find sleep.
It didn’t come. I tossed and turned, looking for a comfortable position, but nothing changed.
Groaning, I sat upright.
I could use a pill.
I got out of bed and out of the room. Milk and Dog were still awake, seeing as I could hear their voices from the living room.
I went down a small corridor opposite Devil and Upper’s room, stopping before the fire extinguisher. I opened the case where it was mounted, reaching behind it quietly and grabbing a stash of pills.
“What the bloody hell, Devil. How does that even sound to you?”
I paused at the sound of Upper’s agitated voice. Quietly, I closed the glass to the extinguisher and walked towards their bedroom door, leaning to press my ear against it.
“It sounds perfect. I like her, and we’ve been doing this for almost a year now, and I want it all with her; I know she does too. I’m going to ask her.” He sounded like he was trying to convince himself.
“Okay, fine, I’m not against it, nor will I ask you not to ask her. But I care about Zahra too, and I won’t let you half-ass it with her. You must tell her about us. She deserves to know your reservations before you string her along.”
My brows jumped.
Us?
“For God’s sake, Upper, there’s no us. There never was. I’m fucking straight.”
Upper scoffed. “I’m not about to help you define your sexuality, but I can assure you that a straight guy wouldn’t exactly give a gay guy a bloody hand job or receive a bloody blow job from a gay guy and then kiss him afterward, just saying.”
What the fuck?
“It just happened, Upper. It didn’t mean shit to me. You don’t mean shit to me; Zahra does. And you—don’t give me that fucking look; you came on to me.”
“I came on to you?” His voice shook. “That’s the worst fucking thing you could ever say to me. Listen, it was mutual; you had every right to forfeit the dare and not give me a hand job. If anything, you started it. But you don’t see me saying that or accusing you of coming on to me.”
Devil sighed. “Upper, I didn’t mean it like that—”
“No, you’re confused and so fucking toxic and problematic, and you rub it off on everyone who dares to even come close to you.
I didn’t ask for this shit. I didn’t ask you to tell me shit you’ve never told anyone and make me feel like we were something special when it obviously meant shit to you, just like you said.
” He sounded so hurt, and I wasn’t sure if my heart was aching from the not-so-betrayal or for Upper.
“Upper—”
“And now you’re about to use Zahra to, what? Fuel your denial? She doesn’t deserve that shit.”
“That’s not what I’m trying to do. I genuinely care about Zahra; I think I’m falling in love with her—”
“You think. You’re not sure. You’re leading her on, on a maybe…”
Deciding I’d heard enough, I twisted the knob and pushed open the door, startling both of them.
The look on my face probably spelled the fact that I’d overheard their conversation due to the horror on Upper’s face and the curse Devil muttered.
I couldn’t help but feel a sting at the sight of him.
He was my best friend and the first guy I’d been with more than once after leaving Sicily. Devil and I downplayed what we had almost every time, trying to stay within our limits, but there was something there, which was why I felt a little hurt and betrayed by this new reveal.
“So that’s why you both have been acting weird around each other?”
Upper plopped down on the bed, resting his elbows on his knees as he covered his face with his palms, almost as if he couldn’t believe this was happening.
“Is anyone gonna answer me?” My voice went a pitch louder, and Upper flinched.
Devil sighed. “It’s not what you think, Z.”
“Don’t even fucking try, Devil; everything I heard is exactly what I think. It’s exactly what this thing is?” I gestured between them.
Devil walked, trying to reach out to me. “Zahra, please…”
I took a step back. “Don’t fucking touch me.”
From my periphery, I spotted Dog and Milk right outside the room, watching the scene cautiously.
“At least let me explain what this is,” he said, fear lingering in his eyes.
“What’s there to explain? Look at him! Look at me; look at yourself. Look at the fucking situation we’re all in. It’s all self-explanatory; there’s nothing you can say that would make more sense than this.”
“Okay, fine, you’re right, but that doesn’t change anything …
It doesn’t change how I feel about you, or—I—fuck.
” He was so confused. I could hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes, the way they flickered between me and a distraught, probably traumatized Upper, almost as if he couldn’t tell who to comfort or make feel better.
“I don’t even know anymore,” he muttered, his voice hurt and defeated.
As a friend, I wanted to hug him, make him explain his feelings, but as a—as a what? We were nothing.
I shook my head, blinking. “I know we didn’t put a label and shit, but I thought this—I thought we—” I sighed. “This is so messed up, Devil.”
He dropped his head. “I know … I’m sorry.”
My gaze shifted to Upper, who had both hands gripping his hair, not once looking up.
“I’m out of here,” I muttered, turning on my heel and walking out of the room. I brushed past Dog and a wide-eyed Milk, who threw me a sympathetic look that I ignored.
They knew. They all fucking knew.
I was almost out of the house when Dog caught up to me. “Hey.”
“Not now, Dog.”
“I wanted to give you a jacket.”
I turned to him, forcing on a smile as I collected the jacket and slipped it on, pocketing the stash of pills before he could catch a glimpse of them.
“You good?” he asked.
“Not really.”
He nodded as if he understood. “Are you gonna go out there and cry?”
I scoffed. “The day I cry over a boy is the day I stab myself in both eyes. I just need a breather.”
“Kay, use the kitchen window; there are a few soldiers standing guard outside tonight; it would be difficult to slip out.”
I hugged him with a light squeeze. “Behind the fire extinguisher, I hid two joints.”
“How do you know that’s why I’m helping you?”
I laughed, pulling away before flipping him off and making my way out back.
Somehow, after maneuvering the guards outside the compound, I found myself climbing the killer stairs to the rooftop. The anxiety of falling was still present, and when I finally reached up and passed through the door, I breathed a sigh of relief.
“What kind of a psychopath is this man to structure those stairs like that?” I winced in a whisper to myself, the cold wind from up high easing my muscles as I walked towards the railing, sucking in a deep breath with my hair whipping around my face.
The quietness calmed me, and I replayed the whole event in my head.
It would most definitely be awkward between us all now. But did I even have the right to feel like I was cheated on? We weren’t even in a relationship—but I thought we were exclusive.
I knew Devil was confused. Despite his denial, I knew he felt something for Upper, but he was scared to lean into it; I knew he felt something for me too, but what he had with Upper was stronger. I knew it; I saw it. And I was partly mad that he had treated Upper that way.
None of us deserved this situation we were in, but hell, if the god of situations cared what we did or did not deserve at this—
“If you’re—”
“Motherfucker!”
“—looking to jump, I suggest the left side of the railing. It’s steeper. One hit, you’ll crack your skull on the cobblestones, death on impact. I’ve experimented and found that it’s more efficient.”
My heart was beating ten times per second; I’d almost jumped out of my skin. I turned to see Elio sitting on the ground, his back against a carved stone chair, with a bottle of cheap beer in his grip. He had his attention on me as he asked:
“So, are you jumping, or would you like a push?”