Chapter Thirty-Three #2
I paused.
Her question sank in with a cold shiver tickling my neck and my feet, and for a second, I was out of this room, this space, this time.
And I was watching myself, strapped to a chair, my neck against cold metal; my eyes opened wide to be burned by the sharp blue ray of light that kept zooming in and out of focus, dropping me in a hypnotic state.
A state that had me feeling numb in my feet, buried inside a large container of ice.
“Repeat the word, soldier!” My commander’s voice boomed in the echoing room.
“I always finish the job…”
My eyes, wide and unseeing, stared above as my mouth, thirsty and dry, forced itself to move, repeating after him. I didn’t want to, but my mind wasn’t my own anymore; somehow, he managed to control my vocal cords. It was violating, but I couldn’t help myself.
“Louder, soldier!”
“I always finish the job…”
“Continue,” he said like we had done this a thousand times before, and I would know the words.
Surprisingly, I continued talking. “… No matter how bloody or gruesome; I leave no stone unturned, my word is law, and if I go against it, I lose myself.”
“Elio.”
I blinked. Coming out of my head.
“Did you mean that?” she said, concern and question in her eyes.
Goosebumps littered my skin at that flash of … memory?
“Elio—”
“I—I don’t know.” I shook my head, looking away from her. “Yes, I wanted to do it, but I didn’t want to, want to do it because I don’t think that’s who I am—”
“Who are you?”
My grip tightened around her hand. “I don’t know.
I am a different person when I’m with Casmiro and Angelo; I am different when I’m with Elia; I am different when I’m with my soldiers and associates; I am different when I’m with normal people outside my world…
” I looked at her. “I’m different when I’m with you. ”
Her eyes widened, and I caught her pupils dilating in reaction to my words.
She had captivating eyes.
I looked down at our hands together, my thumb absentmindedly stroking her knuckles. “There are so many versions of myself that I don’t know which part of me is real anymore. I don’t know who my name belongs to.”
“I think your name belongs to the person before me, trying to find who he is.”
“Hm.”
My mind flashed to the memory I had somehow seemed to have forgotten. The man questioning me had been in uniform, which meant it was from my time in the army. Did I make up that memory, or did it … happen? Why had I forgotten it if it happened?
My father had sent me there after I was diagnosed with what my mother had … He said he was going to fix me … Did he have them do something to me?
“Where’s your mind?” she asked in Spanish.
I met her gaze. “Nowhere,” I lied, then frowned, my eyes searching hers. “Why are you sitting here, willingly talking to me?”
“What?”
“Why do you care—” I stopped and reworded the question. “Do you care?”
She looked caught off guard by my question, and I watched her draw back from me, subtly taking her hand from mine, leaving it cold. I had the strongest urge to take her hand back, but I didn’t want to cross a boundary or scare her away, so I just clasped my hands together instead.
Zahra swallowed. “I—I have a hero complex. I think. I’m not a monster; even though I do not like you, I won’t leave you when you’re clearly going through stuff you need to talk about.”
“So … you care?”
“That’s not care; that’s me. I’ll do it for anyone, even if it’s a stranger on the fucking street.” She looked uncomfortable, tucking her hair behind her ear as she added, “It’s who I am.”
I said nothing; I just sat there staring at her while she squirmed.
“I mean—you kind of did blame me for your state, and part of why I talked to you was because I didn’t like you accusing me of your unstable state of mind.”
“Oh, you are a huge part of the reason, Sport.”
She opened her mouth to counter my statement but closed it again like she had forgotten what she wanted to say. I took the liberty to continue.
“From the moment you left that boardroom till now, I’ve been unable to stop thinking about you.”
She sucked in a breath, looking away from me to stare ahead … it was faint, very faint, but I caught the slight flush in her cheeks before she turned.
“Jesus fucking Christ, why are you so blunt with your feelings,” she muttered.
“I’m too old to beat around the bush.”
She turned to me with a smug look that almost washed the flush from her cheeks, but I could still see the ghost of it.
“I thought you said thirty-three wasn’t old?”
“I meant that I’m not a sixteen-year-old boy who would deny his feelings because of his pride.”
“Well, I have learned that it’s better to keep your feelings to yourself, or they will be used against you.”
“That begs the question of why I saw you pacing outside my house like seeing me would break the barrier for whatever troubled you. Why did you come to me?”
Her lips thinned, pressed together like she was biting the inside of them.
I wanted to reach forward and use my thumb to stop her from worrying them … but that would make me want to kiss her—I wanted to kiss her—but unfortunately, that was never going to happen again, so I clasped my hands tighter, banishing the thoughts.
“You really want to know the reason I’m here?”
“You might as well state it now that you have my attention.”
Her gaze flickered between my eyes, so guarded, so cautious about letting slip what she had wanted to tell me. I wondered what made her this way, locked in herself, beyond reach of anyone who wanted to reach.
“Fine. You—maybe haven’t been the—the only one who’s been a mess these past weeks.
I’ve been screwing shit up for Street, and Dog is ready to rip my head apart.
A few hours ago, we were at a brunch, and I completely forgot the fake name I had told the guy who was supposed to have information about the next painting, and I had to fake a faint to avoid it.
It was a disaster because I can’t fake a faint to save my life.
” She breathed. “The silver lining is that you were right; I think we need to talk about the—the incident on the rooftop.”
“Incident?”
“I don’t know, okay? Occurrence, situation—”
“You don’t think it was a fucked-up night filled with raging hormones? Your words.”
“I—” She sighed. “I wasn’t in a good mood when I said all that. If we’re going to be mutual—or friends or whatever—you should know that I say things I don’t mean when I’m in a mood. And that day, I was in a mood.”
“In a mood,” I repeated.
“Yes, Elio, are you slow?”
I tilted my head, staring at her as I recalled when I’d asked her the same question in that car right before the chase.
I curled my lips into a smile that turned into a small half laugh as I looked away from her, shaking my head.
It was silent for three beats before she spoke up. “Did you just—did you just laugh?”
My smile died, and I turned to look at her again with a frown. “No.”
“But I just—” She looked unsure. “Stop fucking with me.”
“You are not making any sense,” I said with the same stern look.
“I just heard you laugh, and you literally smiled. It was charming and beautiful, do it again.”
“You are delusional.”
“I am not,” she said, uncertainty in her eyes. “God, you’re so good at this shit.”
“No, you’re probably going crazy with all the drugs you take with your friend.” I tilted my head slowly, watching her with a mock concerned frown. “Maybe you need help. You’re hallucinating; I don’t want a sick person looking for that painting. You’ll drag the others down.”
“Damn, you’re good.” She slapped my arm excitedly. “You’re making me think I’m crazy. How the fuck do you do that? Teach me.”
The urge to smile tugged at me, but I bit it back. “You’re a case, Zahra.”
I missed this.
She laughed. “Okay, back to the issue on ground,” she said, angling her body to face mine. “We’re both distracted. It’s obvious there’s something here”—she motioned between us—“something we don’t want—”
“How do you know I don’t want it?”
“You said you didn’t like me—”
“I don’t want to but—”
“Great, I don’t like you too, but there’s obvious physical attraction, and for us to get it out of our systems, I suggest we fuck it out and resume this animosity without compromise.”
I jumbled her words in my head, imagining her beneath me, atop me, beside me, sweaty and undone. It was very shameless and odd for my mind to conjure such vivid images but—
“How can you suggest this when you’re involved with my brother?”
“That’s history. It ended recently…” She frowned before continuing. “Scratch that; it ended a long time ago. I just didn’t know it—still, even if it does happen, between us—no one can find out. Devil can never find out; I made him a promise.”
I raised a brow at her, moving closer until I could feel her breath on my face. I lowered the tone of my voice like it was a sin for a third party to listen in. “A promise you want to break with a man who has only ever broken promises when it comes to him; some friend you are.”
She glared at me. “I don’t want it, okay? But—I feel like if we cross this off, it’ll disappear.”
“I don’t feel the same.”
“So you don’t want to fuck me?” she asked with a taunting smile.
My eyes roamed her face, down to the swell of her breasts caged inside that dress; an image of me taking it off filtered past my brain before I locked eyes with her again. “I do, but I also want to talk to you.”
“You want to be friends…” she drawled. “Friends who fuck.”
“No. Friends don’t do that, but whatever definition you think suits our … one-time compromise.”
Lust stained her eyes. “You’re still on my shit list, and I’m still going to kill you.”
I nodded, unable to comprehend how I could manage an erection after literally breaking in front of this woman. “If you annoy me, I still won’t hesitate to slit your throat.”
Her gaze centered on my lips. “Good.”
“Good,” I responded.
She leaned in, aiming to kiss me, but I drew back. “No.”
She frowned. “No?”
“Ground rules.”
She rolled her eyes. “Jesus Christ, Elio, it’s just sex, and no, I’m not saying we should do it now—” Her gaze dropped to my crotch, where I was sure she spotted my need for her. “Unless you want to.” She looked back at me. “You’re—”
“Not now, but I still want to set ground rules.”
She sighed. “Right, fine, let’s hear it.”
“One: No kissing.”
Her eyes widened. “What?”
“Two: It only happens once. No more. You don’t touch me sexually without my permission.”
“Yeah, but—”
“Three: You don’t forget either of the first two.”
“Why no kissing? We kissed on the rooftop, so—”
“For reasons best known to me, I don’t want to.”
Her gaze dropped to my lips longingly before she shook her head. “Fine,” she said half-heartedly.
“Hm. Before then, I’d like you to accompany me to a business dinner in Turin.”
“Why?”
“That … I don’t know yet; I would like you there.”
“And what do I tell Street?”
“You’re a liar; I’m sure you can come up with something. Or you could tell them the truth. You’re accompanying a friend you want to kill to a business dinner.”
“I don’t even know why I’m agreeing to this.”
“Makes two of us,” I lied.
Her eyes searched mine. “How are you feeling now?”
“Hard, uncomfortable.”
“I meant about your … earlier state,” she said cautiously.
“Oh…” I’d completely forgotten about my earlier state, and even with her reminder, I didn’t feel the heaviness. “Better.”
It was no secret that she had a negative effect on me. Still, the positive effects intrigued me: She brought me back from a raging ten to a calming zero, and I still couldn’t remember how our conversation had slowly shifted from a serious discussion to this.
Then again, that was how it was with her.
I lost sense of my mind and surroundings; the feeling was new, and like every new feeling I got, I wanted to explore it.