Magda
I t took everything inside of me to watch Katie drive away without chasing after her and begging her to let me get back in the car so we could forget about this whole silly matter. Only, it wasn’t a silly matter. No one who panics to the point of vomiting when their boyfriend tries to have pleasant, planned, consensual sex on their anniversary is dealing with a “silly” problem. I forced myself to march inside with a rueful sigh, and then made my way over to the elevators. I didn’t think Katie was wrong in trying to find help for me, but making this decision for me was…
Well, it wasn’t her place, but try explaining that to Katie.
My parents threatening to revoke my freedom if they discovered I wasn’t a virgin; my ex-boyfriend dumping me at my party; my best friend forcing me to attend therapy as a birthday gift.
Everyone else seemed to know exactly what was right for me… except no one ever asked me what I thought.
I’d spent my entire life doing what other people wanted, afraid to say no. Afraid to tell someone the truth. Maybe I just wanted the chance to work things out for myself? Maybe sex was off the table for me. Or maybe, I just… I sighed, deflating. I didn’t know. I didn’t know what I wanted, only what I didn’t want. I clenched my hands together, then steeled myself for what I certain was going to be an unbearably awkward therapy session.
There was a directory on the wall, and I easily found Intimate, Inc.’s offices listed on the eighth floor. In fact, it was the only office on the whole of the eighth floor, unlike the others, which all share multiple doctor’s offices or businesses.
The entire elevator ride up, I kept thinking about how stupid this whole idea was, simultaneously trying to convince myself that even if it was something I was doing to appease other people, that didn’t mean it wouldn’t be helpful. Maybe if I could get over my trauma, I could have a normal sex life. Maybe even try to work things out with Danny? Could I just be normal? Part of a lovey-dovey couple? The type of person who could hold hands with her boyfriend in public. The type of woman who could explore her lover’s body as eagerly—and often—as she pleased.
And oh, did I want to.
I’d felt the draw of watching Danny march around his apartment without his clothes on—like after he got out of the shower, and water beaded down his back and shoulders. I’d even been able to give him most of a hand job on a couple occasions—I’d given him blowjobs, too, but I’d never been able to bring him all the way. Although the fear in the back of my mind that my parents would somehow find out was always there whenever I’d touched him, I’d enjoyed it.
More than enjoyed it, in fact. I’d loved helping him come. I’d loved the way he looked when he reached that moment of pure orgasmic bliss. I’d even loved when he’d use my hand to bring himself to climax, and I’d get wet whenever I felt his cum dripping hotly over my skin. I’d once tasted him, running a tongue along my fingers after he’d fallen asleep, and the deep, intense need that filled my belly almost brought me to my knees. I’d wanted to make love to him. I’d wanted to feel him inside of me. I’d wanted it so bad… but the moment I thought about what might happen if my parents found out sent me into a deep spiral of panic.
I had to stop myself from thinking about sex. I was sweating; suddenly hot like I’d stepped into a sauna with all my clothes on. I panted, fanning myself.
The air felt… thick here. I tried to compose myself; licked dry lips and convinced myself sex was just on the mind because of where I was; what I was there to talk about. But thinking about Danny’s body hadn’t incurred the panicky sensation those kinds of thoughts normally created inside of me, it provoked something… else. Something I didn’t find unpleasant at all. By the time the doors opened and I stepped out into the hall, I was as composed as I could be, which was to say, not at all. I rolled the sleeves of my sweater up. It had been close to sixty degrees outside, but in here, I was practically boiling.
On the wall in front of me, behind a vacant receptionist’s desk, was a lit-up sign that said Intimates, Inc. in bright pink and purple with a pair of red lips beside it. The entire room was tastefully done with plain modern black and white décor. There were pleasant, yet unremarkable paintings on the wall that might be found in any therapy office. No erotic images or anything, just vaguely surrealist flowers and still-life pictures. I stood there dumbly for a minute, contemplating running back for the elevator. I could imagine Katie’s annoyance, though, when I called her back to come get me.
I approached the receptionist’s desk, more to find something to lean against to stop the wobbling in my knees than to alert anyone of my arrival, but there was a single phone on the desk with a small, handwritten note beside it.
Please pick up the phone and dial “0.” I will buzz you into the main office.
I read the note, then looked around reception to see if there were any cameras and didn’t spy one. I picked up the phone… but didn’t press zero. Maybe I could still run and just hide out in a café somewhere and then tell Katie I’d gone and done the thing and didn’t feel it was right for me after all? A woman’s voice sounded at my ear like she’d just appeared out of thin air beside me.
“Ms. Church?”
“What the fuck?!” I exclaimed, spinning around.
Dr. Lowe stood there, looking much like she’d looked in the pamphlet—before her photo had disappeared out of it, that was. I’d asked Katie about it when she’d woken up, but she couldn’t recall anyway, so had the woman before me not so resembled the image I’d seen, I would have doubted my own sanity. Knees shaking, I turned to face her and adjusted the bag at my back.
There was no doubting it was her. She wore the same wireframes and had the same piercing eyes—a gaze that felt as if she was staring inside of me, rather than at me. She wore a white dress shirt and some gray slacks that hugged every inch of her goddess-like figure and left very little to the imagination. It made me feel all the more insecure in the baggy sweater I was now sweating profusely inside of.
“Uh… yes, sorry,” I managed, trying to recover myself. “Dr. Lowe, right?”
She beamed at me like I’d said something particularly clever, even though it was about as obvious a statement as I could have made, yet for some reason, her approval felt like a cool breeze against my clammy skin. I leaned forward as she reached a hand delicately toward me, her highly polished blood-red nails catching the light and glinting like diamonds. I put my hand into hers to shake it, and my legs nearly collapsed beneath me. I staggered, but with ease, Dr. Lowe caught my elbow and held me upright.
“Oh, my dear, are you not feeling well? Come, I’ll get you some water. Have you eaten anything today?”
“I’m… I don’t know. I… I think I should go. I shouldn’t be here?—”
“Nonsense, you’re safe with me. I can’t have you going out into the streets like this, not knowing if you’re okay. Come along. I’ll make sure you’re all right.”
She tucked me safely into her embrace, and led me to the left, toward double doors tinted almost completely black, all the while wrapping an arm possessively around my shoulders in much the same way I’d seen Derek do to Concepción the night before. And much like Concepción, to my great horror and embarrassment, I found myself leaning my head on her shoulder like we were the closest of friends; lovers, even—and before I could get a chance to apologize and pull away, she pressed my head back down to her shoulder, my cheek now even closer to her ample chest. With the arm around my shoulders, she held me there gently a moment and with her free hand, opened the dark doors that led into a dimly lit back room.
“Don’t worry my darling,” she purred at me. “I’ll take good care of you. I know just what will make you feel right as rain again—in fact, it should be here soon.”
Her words were like a balm to my soul. I could scarcely breathe or think. It was all happening so fast—but what was happening? I was clinging to this woman, my arms wrapped around her middle as she held me fast to her side in the dimly lit office.
“This way. There’s a quiet room back here where you can rest and regain your strength. I’m sorry, some people are far more sensitive than others—I should have considered beforehand.”
I hmmed at her words, even though nothing felt like it made sense. From the elevator to… wherever I was now, was almost solidly a blur. The only thing in my mind was the wondrous way it felt to be in this woman’s embrace. She opened another door and inside was a room with the same backlit dimness as the hall. There was a couch against the wall to the right, a small coffee table, and a mini fridge in the corner.
She led us both over to the couch and then lowered me carefully onto it before retrieving some water bottles from the refrigerator. Although I found myself suddenly bereft at the loss of her touch, I was grateful for the chance to sit and have some water. I downed half the bottle in nearly one gulp. I was parched; sweating; panting.
Horny .
The realization struck me like a mallet. I tucked my hands against my cheeks, shocked to find they were as hot as a five-alarm fire.
“I’m so sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I sputtered, fanning myself once more. “Maybe it’s because I was drinking last night—I don’t normally, but?—”
Dr. Lowe sat beside me on the couch and laughed, her voice like the twinkling of bells. Every sound she made was like music, and it rolled over my body like a physical touch. I swayed, closing my eyes and enjoying the sensations.
“You’re perfectly fine, lene. It’s a normal response.”
“No—Madga… if you please. Only my parents use that name, and I’m… not too fond of it, given the connotations.”
“Connotations?” asked the doctor.
“Mary lene. From the Bible. She was a whore.” I found my chin quivering. “It’s… it’s who they named me after.”
“lene—a whore? Never! But still… apologies, .” Dr. Lowe touched my hand in my lap, squeezing it softly. “We won’t speak of it again if it upsets you. It’s a pleasure to meet you, and please do forgive me for being so forward, but physical connection is very important in my work. If you ever feel uncomfortable with my touch at any time, you are more than welcome to let me know, all right?” She squeezed my hand again for emphasis. “You’re safe with me—always.”
I nodded, my throat tight. This woman I’d met literally two minutes prior had somehow managed to be more physically intimate with me than my boyfriend had been in the first two months of our relationship after knowing me for more than half our lives.
“Now,” Dr. Lowe began. “I know you likely have a lot of questions, but I’d like you to tell me in your own words what’s going on.”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I tried again. “I’m a virgin.”
Dr. Lowe said nothing, but I could swear I almost felt her heartbeat pick up speed. “And you consider that a problem?”
“Yes—I mean, no, that’s not the problem, it’s—” I stopped, took another sip of my water. “My parents.”
“Your parents…?”
“I’m sorry,” I said, jumping to my feet, flustered tears springing to my eyes. “I know this is making no sense, and I’m sure you’re a very nice person, but I don’t think I can do this, and it’s all so sudden?—”
“,” said Dr. Lowe, having not moved an inch from the sofa. Her voice stopped me in my tracks like I’d been frozen in place. “You’re too hot. Take off your sweater.”
I stared at her, blinking stupidly. I was fighting every urge inside of me to do as she commanded, and the realization of how badly I wanted to please this stranger was starting to hit me.
“What’s happening?” I choked out. “Who are you?”
“I’m someone who can help you,” Dr. Lowe said patiently. “Now. Please take off your sweater and sit back down.” She patted the sofa beside her.
I tugged the sweater off over my head, the weight of her gaze felt like hands roving over the tank top and leggings I was wearing. I might as well have been naked, her eyes were so perceptive. I wished I’d borrowed one of Katie’s old baggy t-shirts. Grateful for the darkened room hiding my messy hair and the blush on my cheeks, I took up the seat beside her once more, and Dr. Lowe did not touch me immediately, which made me feel strangely sad.
“Take a deep breath and relax,” she said, lowering her voice, making it feel more intimate. She reached over and tucked my hair behind my ear, and the return of her hand brought relief. She left it on my left shoulder as I regained my composure, feeling a little more comfortable now that I wasn’t being swallowed by my too-hot sweater.
She lifted her hands to my face but didn’t touch me. She looked into my eyes. “May I?”
I didn’t know what she was asking, but I knew I wanted her to touch me again. I nodded and licked my lips. She finally rested her palms on my cheeks, then closed her eyes. I gasped as I felt my memories opening to her. My parents’ beatings; the lectures; the purity talk. My fear at my period. Every time I’d so much as longed for someone’s touch. I felt like a book laid bare to her. I had no idea how, but in mere moments, we’d examined aspects of my life that would have been too painful to say aloud. She saw… everything. She saw me with Danny. I felt her grunt in pain the moment the memory of my anniversary evening came up.
I sobbed, and Dr. Lowe released me, stroking back my hair and holding me to her, rocking me and pressing gentle kisses against my forehead until the tears stopped.
“You poor darling,” she whispered, pulling me effortlessly into her lap, swinging my legs over the side of the couch and pressing my head to her chest, where the soft pulse at her throat lulled me into a sleepy daze.
I realized the absurdity of the moment, but I didn’t want to pull away from her. This was where she wanted me. I wasn’t sure how I knew, but I knew that she was just as happy to hold me as I was for her to do it.
“You’ve had such a hard time, haven’t you? To be denied your sexuality and your innate nature—to be forced to reject it as something sinister when it is the very heart of your being.”
I looked up at her then, blinking the sleep from my eyes. “My nature?” I asked. “Sexual?”
The idea of me as an innately sexual being had to be a joke. No one looked at me like that—except for Danny, maybe, and I’d ruined my chances with him.
“No, dear , you misunderstand,” said Dr. Lowe, stroking my face with her perfectly manicured hands. “There is something you must know about yourself, and what I’m going to tell you may seem… fantastical, but I knew it the first time I smelled your scent in your friend’s café that it was true. I just had no idea your parents ”—she spat the word like it was a curse—“had done such cruelties to you. There will be a bit more to unpack here than I had originally thought.”
“I’m… I don’t—” I began.
Dr. Lowe adjust our positions so that we could face each other. Her warm breath batted against my cheek, and once more, she put her hands on either side of my face. I could see now, behind those thin wireframe glasses, her eyes glowed a soft red. I gasped, but she held me firmly and offered a kind smile.
“ Church, you are a cambion. You should be flushed full of sexual energy by now. Twenty-six and not a single time…” She tsked , but it wasn’t at me. “We’ll correct that soon.”
“A… a cambion ? What are you talking about?”
“, you and I are creatures called succubi. Now, as a fellow succubus, I can tell you right now that I can smell your power on your skin; in your blood. We are beings that feed off of sexual energy. Like this, just touching you right now. It feels good, doesn’t it?”
I wanted to laugh. I wanted to lie. “Yes,” I said instead.
“That’s because my dear, you are hungry for it. Your body is not getting what it desperately needs. You are a beautiful, unbearably powerful being… and once you accept that, you’ll begin to blossom. You’ll know how you radiate; you’ll feel what others do when they look at you. You’re so beautiful, it’s painful not to have you.”
Tears stung my eyes. “No one thinks of me that way,” I whispered. “You’re wrong.”
“I’m not wrong. In fact…” she whispered, leaning closer to me, her lips brushing against mine. I could feel the heat of her against my mouth. “…it’s taking everything in me not to kiss you right now.”