Chapter 3
— chapter three
Nelson was staring at her. Waiting for her to speak. Jenna drew in a breath, determined to say what was on her mind. But then, as she so often did these days, she hesitated.
As always, Nelson’s unusually colored eyes caught her attention.
They were a perfect blend of brown, caramel, and green, framed by thick, dark eyelashes.
She was sure he would be mighty embarrassed if she ever told him that she thought his eyes were beautiful.
Nelson wasn’t one for receiving compliments.
Not about his looks and not about his actions.
If he were a different type of man, maybe the topic she was struggling to bring up would be easier.
Instead, she felt like she’d rather have rocks in her mouth. If she did, they’d be far easier to spit out than the words she was trying to say.
But who could blame her?
For the past couple of weeks, Mary and Peter, Jenna’s in-laws, had been asking about Nelson. The questions had become more pointed and their confusion about the friendship was becoming more pronounced.
At first, she’d defended Nelson’s short visits.
Ever since she held the auction for Jimmy’s belongings, she’d been struggling.
She missed Jimmy and she missed her life with him.
Their little house felt too big, and even Katie’s needs felt overwhelming.
Nelson’s visits had been a lifeline for her, especially since he’d gone above and beyond mere kindness time and again.
How could anyone ever find fault with that?
But lately she’d been starting to wonder if maybe Mary and Peter had a point. Nelson had been Jimmy’s boss. He was English. He was several years older than her. They had nothing in common. And Jenna realized that she was starting to depend on Nelson too much.
Sure, they were friends, but she and Nelson didn’t go together.
That notion had cemented itself when she gathered up the boxes of wax paper, foil, plastic bags, and plastic wrap he’d so generously brought for her tonight. The problem wasn’t that he was bringing her gifts, it was that her first reaction was gratitude and happiness.
It was almost like she expected him to stop by on Monday nights. She now looked forward to seeing him. Katie did too.
She was becoming too used to his good deeds. Too dependent on him. That wasn’t right. After all, she was a grown woman who was raising a child. If she could learn how to pay her bills and manage their piece of land, she should be able to figure out how to stop being so emotionally dependent on him.
Worse, she realized that theirs was a one-sided relationship. Nelson Harper continually gave to her. He gave his time, his gifts, and his patience. She, on the other hand, just took and took. Jenna felt bad about that, but the truth was that she didn’t have much to reciprocate.
Nothing besides her gratitude. But that wasn’t enough. It wasn’t like he needed a quilt or a new shirt or a meal. Compared to the things he brought, she had nothing worthwhile to give to him in return.
Or . . . was he feeling guilty about Jimmy and deciding to do his penance by looking after her for the rest of his life?
That wasn’t right. Even though Mary and Peter had more than once hinted that they thought Nelson was at fault, Jenna had never thought that.
Two workers at the plant had written her notes to say that Jimmy’s death had been nothing more than an awful accident.
Who was she to argue about that? She would continue to believe that the Lord had a reason for calling Jimmy to heaven so early.
But no matter why Nelson was so kind to her, she realized that it had been a mistake to encourage him so much.
And now he’d brought Katie a kitten. The way her little girl gazed at Nelson was filled with love.
She was starting to love Nelson. Jenna knew it wasn’t because of his gifts.
It was because of his smiles. It was because he listened to her.
He kept her company for an hour or so on Monday nights.
He made sure Katie knew that she was important to him.
That was all well and good, but what would Katie do when Nelson started a relationship with another woman? When he started courting an English woman and fell in love? No doubt his visits to Jenna and Katie would be over.
Nee, Jenna, she silently told herself. What will you do when Nelson moves on?
Even thinking about the possibility made her want to weep, which was a problem in itself. She needed some distance. Maybe they both did.
“Jenna,” Nelson prodded, bringing her back to the present. “Whatever you need to tell me is okay. I’ll listen and do what you want.”
“Pardon me?”
“You don’t need to worry about measuring your words around me. I’d rather you were honest instead of polite.”
“I am hoping to be both things.” But was that even possible? How could she be completely forthright without hurting his feelings?
Nelson leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.
This evening he was wearing dark jeans, boots, and a bright-white oxford shirt over a white undershirt. The sleeves of the oxford were rolled up on his forearms, revealing an early tan. She wondered how he’d managed that. Of course, neither his clothing nor his tan could compare to his eyes.
Yet again, she felt transfixed. They were the most expressive eyes she’d ever seen. It was as if every single thing he was thinking could be seen from just one look.
So different from Jimmy’s dark features, which she’d never been able to easily read. Of course, one didn’t need to read his thoughts through an expression anyway. Jimmy had never had a problem with speaking his mind.
“Jenna, just tell me.” Impatience tinged every word.
“Okay.” She glanced again to make sure Katie wasn’t listening. “I’m worried about our relationship.”
“What are you worried about?”
“I am afraid that you are doing too much for me and Katie.” When he shook his head, she added, “Nelson, our relationship isn’t equal.”
“What are you talking about?” His voice had turned clipped. Irritated.
It took her off guard. Feeling a little less sure of herself, Jenna tried to explain. “You are doing all the giving. I don’t have anything to give in return.”
“I disagree.”
He looked so adamant, she made herself mention the thing that Peter and Mary liked to insinuate. The thing that she’d never actually believed yet couldn’t completely ignore.
“I am afraid that you, for some reason, feel responsible for Jimmy’s accident and have decided to make amends.”
Surprise lit his features before he quickly shut it down. “Jenna, you are a widow with a young child. Jimmy died suddenly, and it’s not a secret that he didn’t leave you much in the way of savings.”
He was right. Even though it wasn’t her fault, she looked away before forcing herself to remind Nelson about what his company had done. “Alliance Millworks gave me a check, Nelson. A settlement. That was enough. You don’t have to keep trying to make things better.”
“By doing what? Bringing you a couple of rolls of foil and wax paper? Come on.”
“You’ve done more than that. Why, you brought us a cat today.”
“Do you really believe I think a kitten could replace Jimmy?” He lowered his voice. “Is that what you think of me?” Nelson’s words dripped with pain. He looked so hurt too.
“Of course not,” she said quickly.
“Forgive me, but it sounded like it.”
He was so very mad. Ouch. “Nelson, this is why I was so worried about broaching this subject. I think you are a good man. I think you are one of the best men I know.”
He stood up. “Then what’s the problem?”
“The problem is me, Nelson, not you. I’m taking and taking from you. I’m taking your gifts, and I’m taking your time.”
“Everything you are taking, I am giving you willingly.”
“But I am getting used to it. I’ve become used to you being the person we can count on, Nelson.” Even though her face was no doubt flaming, she forced herself to continue. “I’m afraid that if we don’t take a step back, then I’m going to count on you too much.”
“I don’t think that’s possible.”
“Too much means that I will get so used to you, I won’t be able to do much of anything without you.”
His eyes darkened before he seemed to catch himself. “I’m okay with that.”
She laughed, sure he was teasing her.
But he wasn’t smiling. He was looking at her pointedly. “I wasn’t joking, Jenna. I’ve never given you anything in order to get something in return. Your company is gift enough for me.”
A shiver rushed up Jenna’s spine as a new awareness of him settled into her heart. It made her uncomfortable. She never thought she’d think about another man for the rest of her life.
But it seemed she’d been wrong about that.
Desperate, she clung to Doreen Beachy’s recent visit. She hadn’t been very excited about attending widows club meetings, but maybe they were exactly what she needed. If she went to those, she would give herself a safety net. She could focus on something besides seeing Nelson once a week.
She could make friends with other women. And maybe those friendships would lessen Nelson’s appeal in her life.
If that happened, it would be a good thing. A very good thing. Her heart would be safe.
“Nelson, I’m sorry, but I think I’m going to be a little busier from now on. I’ve decided to join a women’s group.”
“What kind of group is that?”
She wasn’t sure. “It’s just a group for widows who don’t want to marry again.”
He blinked. “You are twenty-six years old, Jenna.”
“I know.”
He still looked incredulous. “You have your whole life ahead of you. I know you miss Jimmy, but I can’t help but think that he would never have wanted you to spend the rest of your life alone.”
“I won’t be alone. I have my family. And Katie. And I’ll have these women.”
“So, what are you saying? That I can’t even come over on Monday nights?”
“I think it would be best if you didn’t.”
He visibly flinched. As if she’d just slapped him.
Suddenly, she felt like maybe she had. She’d just pushed him away, and he’d done nothing but be wonderful to her and Katie.
“That didn’t come out the way I intended, Nelson. Of course, I meant that I’ll have your friendship too.”
“I hope you mean that, Jenna. Because you do, you know. You have me, no matter what. I’m not going to abandon you now.”
Something inside her eased, which was wrong. She wasn’t supposed to be so clingy.
“Thank you for the kitten. It was very kind of you.”
“You’re welcome. I’ll say bye to Katie, and then I’ll leave.”
“You don’t have to rush away.” She’d handled all of this so wrong!
“Yeah, I’m afraid I do. See you later, Jenna.”
She stood up slowly but didn’t move as she watched him walk over to see Katie.
Her little girl beamed up at him.
His expression tender, Nelson crouched on the floor, pet the kitten, and smiled at what Katie said. Then, after a playful tug on one of her curls, he said goodbye.
Minutes later, Nelson let himself out of her house.
He didn’t look back before shutting the door.
She carefully walked to the front window and watched him get into his large, gray truck, sit for a moment, then start the ignition and drive off.
It felt like he’d taken a piece of her heart with him.
Funny.
She hadn’t thought she had any pieces of her heart left.