Chapter 14
— chapter fourteen
When Jenna opened her eyes the next morning, she thought of two things. The first was that she was glad it was Sunday and there was no church that week. The second was that she was alone in her bed once again.
Last night, about two hours after Katie had fallen asleep on Nelson’s couch and she and Nelson had traded some secrets, Jenna woke her daughter up.
Nelson gave them the option of sleeping in his guest room, but Jenna had refused.
He’d looked disappointed but didn’t argue.
Instead, he nodded, helped them get their things together, and drove them to their house.
After making sure they got inside okay and didn’t need anything, he’d driven away. From the front window, Katie had watched his truck’s taillights fade from view. Only then would she accept that it was time to go to sleep in her own bed.
Sleep had come much later for Jenna. She’d been bothered by warring emotions and the feeling of emptiness when she finally got between the cool cotton sheets of her bed.
Now, as she stared at her blank walls, reality set in again.
Like a sledgehammer to her heart, the reminder of all she’d lost was crushing.
Her husband was forever gone. No matter how much she prayed or wished things would be different, they weren’t going to be.
She’d never see Jimmy’s smile again. She’d never playfully kick his foot when he started snoring in the middle of the night.
He’d never hold her until she fell asleep.
“I miss you, Jimmy,” she whispered. Pretending that she could almost hear her words floating in the air, she closed her eyes. And wished she could hear a reply. It would sure be nice if she could.
Sitting up, she moved to the side of the bed but hesitated to hop down and start her day. Instead, Jenna allowed herself to remember how things used to be. To think of what she used to take for granted just two years ago.
Every morning, long before the sun rose, Jimmy would arise before she did. While she tried to catch a few more minutes of rest, he would quietly pad into the bathroom, turn on the flashlight, and get dressed.
Then, still in bare feet, he would check on Katie, then walk down the hall to the kitchen and light the gas stove so the percolator would start making coffee. While it was brewing, he’d open a drawer in the mudroom and pull out a pair of socks, slip on his boots, and then head out to the barn.
When they had a cow, he’d milk her. After he finished that chore, he would tend to the horses and hens as well. If it had snowed in the night, he’d clear off their front porch and steps, then shovel a path from the house to the barn.
Only after all of that was done would he go back to the house. Then, after taking care of the milk, he would finally slip off his boots and pour himself a cup of coffee.
That was about the time when she would wander into the kitchen at last.
“You look pretty today, Jen,” he’d say just before he kissed her.
She’d feel warm and pleased when she’d rest her hands on his chest. Then not think about much at all when their lips met. Well, nothing much beyond the fact that Jimmy tasted like coffee and fresh air and Jimmy. She’d been sure there wasn’t a better moment on earth.
Unless it was on the rare days when she’d accidentally sleep late and he would bring her a cup of coffee in bed. That was when he’d kiss her awake and murmur sweet, romantic things in her ear.
In the days before Katie . . . well, sometimes he’d climb right back in bed, and her coffee would be ignored until it had grown cold.
She’d been so blessed. And once, when she shared with a girlfriend just how much Jimmy doted on her every morning, she’d blushed. Even back then she knew that most husbands didn’t spoil their wives in such a way.
“Did I ever tell you how much I adored those mornings, Jim?” she whispered.
This time, the silence broke her heart. Mainly because she knew that answer.
No, she’d never actually told him that. She’d been too embarrassed. She’d thought it was unseemly to mention how much he’d always seemed to desire her. She’d been sure no one ever spoke about such things in the light of day.
That had been a mistake.
“You should have said the words, Jenna,” she said out loud, even though the tears that were threatening to fall seemed to be clogging her throat. “You should have told Jimmy how much you loved feeling so wanted. He should have known how you felt before he died.”
“Mamm, who are ya talking to?”
Jenna turned her head. Katie was standing in the doorway in her nightgown. One of her hands was gripping the fabric around her thighs. Almost as if it would provide her security.
“No one,” she murmured. “I was just . . . well, I was just thinking about your father.”
“Daed?”
“Jah.” She stood up and held out her arms. “Come here and give me a hug.”
Katie hurried over and wrapped her arms around Jenna’s waist. “When you think about Daed, do you always talk out loud?”
“Nee. Usually, it’s just in my head. But sometimes, when I’m sleepy or really missing him, I do talk to him out loud.” Katie looked surprised, and Jenna ran a hand down her daughter’s hair. “What about you? Do you ever talk to Daed when you’re in your room?”
She shook her head. “Nee. I didn’t think I was supposed to. Would God be mad if I did?”
“I don’t think He’d mind,” she said as they drew apart.
“Mammi said I should only talk to Daed when I’m standing next to his headstone.” She paused, seemed to consider her words, then blurted, “Do you talk to Daed there too?”
“I have, but I think you can talk to him anywhere.” Hoping her words would help and not give the child more to worry about, she added, “When I talk to Daed, I know God is listening. And I know that your father loved us so much.”
“Oh.” She swallowed. “I’m glad. I don’t really like talking to him in the graveyard.”
Jenna frowned. She could only remember walking Katie to Jimmy’s headstone once, and that was on the anniversary of his death. Katie had looked so sad afterward, she promised herself not to take her there again until she asked. “When did you do that?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. We go to see Daed’s grave a lot.”
Jenna was shocked, both about what Mary had told Katie about talking to Jimmy . . . and that Mary had taken Katie to Jimmy’s grave. “I didn’t know that.”
“I know.” Katie looked sad.
And Jenna was feeling even more confused than ever. “Katie, dear, do you want to visit your father’s grave more often?”
She shook her head.
“Are you sure?”
“Jah.” Lowering her voice, she whispered, “I miss Daed, but I don’t always remember everything about him. I don’t like going to the graveyard either.” Her eyes widened. “Is that bad?”
“Nee. Not at all.”
“Are you sure? Because Mammi and Dawdi say I should always be thinking about Daed.”
Jenna felt her temper rise. How could her in-laws say such things to a little girl? She wanted to yell at them. Or, at the very least, tell Katie that Mary and Peter were wrong.
Neither was a good choice, though. No, what she needed to do was say something reassuring without making Jimmy’s parents sound terrible.
Pulling herself together, she carefully sat back down on the side of the bed and held out an arm. “Hop up here by me.”
When Katie climbed up, she cuddled close to her side.
Inhaling, Jenna smelled her little-girl goodness, and that eased her temper.
And helped her find the right words too.
“Katie, your father was in a terrible accident. One moment he was okay, and the next he was badly injured and didn’t know what was happening.
He didn’t have time to get his thoughts together and tell us what we should do when he died. ”
She took a deep breath. “But, if he had, I am certain that your father would tell us to trust God, and if we ever needed to talk to him, God would understand.”
“Even if we’re not standing at his grave?”
Gathering her thoughts, Jenna whispered, “Katie, I promise that your father did not want you to go stand in a graveyard to talk to him. You don’t have to go there all the time.
He knows you loved him. And . . .” She took a deep breath.
“Honey, Daed wouldn’t want us to be sad for the rest of our days. He’d be upset if we were.”
“Really?”
“Really. He loved us. Do you want people you love to always be sad?”
“Nee.” She shook her head as if to emphasize her point.
“I don’t either. I want people I love to be happy. Or, if they’re not really happy, I want them to be okay. Not sad and angry or crying.”
“I don’t want that either.”
“Okay, then. I’m going to speak to Mammi and Dawdi and tell them how we feel.”
Her eyes widened. “They might get mad at you.”
“If they do, I’ll explain how I feel and how I think your daed would feel.
I’m sure they’ll listen and understand.” Jenna felt a little pinch of unease as Katie seemed to process her words.
The truth was that she wasn’t all that sure that Mary or Peter would appreciate her point of view.
She was actually pretty sure that they’d argue with her.
“I hope so.”
“Me too.” Standing up, she held out a hand. “Now, let’s go downstairs and have some breakfast.”
“Even if we’re still in our nightgowns?”
“Yep. Today’s a special day. I’m calling it ‘Eat Breakfast in Nightgown Day.’”
Katie clapped her hands. “I like this day!”
Her heart full, Jenna looked down at her sweet daughter. She imagined that years from now, when Katie was a grown woman with a family of her own, she might tell Jenna how talks like this got her through such a dark period in their lives.
Jenna would be so pleased to share that she felt the same way. She wasn’t sure how she would’ve been able to get through some of her darkest days if she’d been alone.
Not only had Katie given her a reason to wake up every morning, but she’d also given her a reason to smile. She thought that was just as important.
“Me too, child,” she said at last. “I like this day too. I like it a lot.”