Chapter 17
— chapter seventeen
This time, the widows club meeting was taking place in the backyard of someone’s home.
It looked like a picture postcard. There were five square card tables decorated with white tablecloths with a wicker basket positioned in the center of each.
Inside of each basket was an assortment of cloth napkins and silverware, all in order to enjoy the apple pie that the hostess had made.
Jenna thought the decorations and setting were all very lovely. She was surprised too. She hadn’t imagined that their semisecret club would meet out in the open like this.
Of course, she had a feeling there were a great many things about the club that she still needed to discover.
“Your name, please?” a dark-haired woman asked when it was Jenna’s turn to check in.
“Jenna Graber.”
While the woman scanned the guest list neatly written on a sheet of paper, Jenna held her breath. She’d only been to one other meeting. She hoped no one expected her to come every single time.
At last, the woman looked up. “Ah. I finally found your name right near the end. That’s the way it always goes, right?”
“I suppose?”
“Don’t mind me,” she said with a laugh. “Sometimes I start talking to myself.” She winked. “I haven’t answered my own questions, but I think it’s only a matter of time.”
“I’ve found myself doing the same thing,” Jenna said.
“I’m glad I’m in good company.” She held out her hand. “Wilcom! Mei name is Sally.”
“It’s nice to meet you.”
“Go enjoy yourself. There’s a nice group of women here tonight.”
“Danke,” she replied shyly. As she turned around, she took a fortifying breath. She needed to be here. She needed to be around other women who were walking in her shoes. Being alone with only Katie wasn’t enough for her well-being.
But still, as she scanned the area, she felt as shy as she had the last time. Deciding to go get a cup of coffee, she smiled awkwardly around the yard.
Several women looked up and smiled back as she passed them.
Just as she was about to reach for a cup, Doreen hurried over to her side. “Jenna! Welcome back. I was just telling Anne here that I hope we didn’t scare you away.”
“You didn’t scare me at all. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to stay away so long, but I have a little girl at home. It isn’t easy to get away.”
“Of course it isn’t. She needs to be your priority. I hope she’s doing well?”
“Katie is. Thank you.”
“And how are you doing?”
She shrugged. “I have good and bad days, if I’m being honest.”
“I love when women are being honest.” Doreen’s eyes were soft as she seemed to take in every inch of Jenna’s face. “Tell me, what was today for you? Good or bad?”
Jenna had to think about it. “Neither,” she said in a wry tone. “In all ways, it was rather unmemorable.”
Doreen nodded. “Those days have their own challenges, I think.”
“Yes. That’s why I decided to come out tonight. I think I needed a change from my own company.”
“Since you’re here at Courtney’s haus, I think you’ll feel like you have definitely experienced a nice change of pace. It’s lovely out here, don’t you think?”
“Oh, yes. Very much so.”
“I hope you enjoy this evening’s get-together.” Lowering her voice, Doreen added, “One thing I’ve learned is to not worry too much. There is no right or wrong way to do anything, especially grief.”
“I hope you are right.”
“I believe I am.” Doreen winked before leaving to greet another newcomer.
“Courtney made Dutch apple pies,” Elizabeth said to Jenna when she went to the coffee bar. “It don’t matter if you’ve already had dessert or not. You’ll want to have a slice.”
Jenna chuckled. “Is that because the pie is that good?”
“It is gut, but it’s also because Courtney is a worrier. She’ll decide that her pie must not have been good if someone doesn’t have a slice.”
“Gotcha.” She was amused but could relate. “Luckily for me, I came hungry.”
“That’s the spirit,” Elizabeth joked. “Go enjoy yourself now.”
“Danke.”
“Oh! If you need to find a place to sit, go over with Violet and Mary Beth.” She pointed to a nearby table that had one space available.
Since Jenna had no idea where else to go, she went right over. “May I join you?”
“We’d be upset if you didn’t,” Violet said. “You are one of the youngest women here. Please tell me that you have something to talk about besides your feet or knees.”
“Pardon me?”
“Do you have issues with your joints or bunions?” The woman’s clear blue eyes were piercing.
“Nee,” Jenna said quickly. “I have no trouble walking. Does someone need a helping hand?”
“Not at all. What I need is knee surgery, and I fear it’s all I can talk about,” the lady across from her said with a sheepish smile. “Mary Beth here has been very patient with me while I’ve listed my ailments.”
“At least I’m not talking about Snout.”
“Pardon me . . . did you say Snout?”
“Oh, jah.” Mary Beth looked like she was trying not to laugh. “He’s my pet pig.”
“Your pig? That’s a pet?” Had she heard that right?
“He’s very smart and good company,” Mary Beth said.
Jenna wasn’t sure what to say. Was she speaking the truth or was she pulling her leg because she was still new to the group? “Oh,” she said after a moment’s pause.
“Do you have pets?”
“Um, yes. I recently got a kitten.”
“Well, that is very fun. Is it good company for you, dear?”
“So far, all he’s done is look for things to sharpen his tiny claws on. But my daughter, Katie, has enjoyed him very much.”
Mary Beth’s playful expression faded into one of concern. “How old is your daughter?”
“She is five.”
“And when did your husband pass away?”
“Almost two years ago now. Katie was four, and she’ll be six soon.”
“You’re raising her on your own. That must be mighty hard.”
A lump formed in her throat. “It is.” She picked up her cup and took a fortifying sip. On one hand, she appreciated how direct all these ladies were. On the other hand, it made her feel like she should have her guard up and be ready for anything.
“So, what are you doing to heal?”
“I’m not sure what you are asking.”
Mary Beth set down her coffee cup. “When I lost my husband, I didn’t do anything at first. I think I was numb.
And then I tried to be grateful that he was no longer suffering.
I was grateful for that. After all, he’d been sick for a very long time.
” She took a deep breath. “But grief is a difficult thing to describe, ain’t so?
Some days I was almost as right as rain.
On others? Well, on others it felt hard to get out of bed.
” Frowning slightly, she whispered, “But then some of my relatives and friends told me that I had mourned long enough.”
Another woman nodded. “Even though they still had their spouses.”
Mary Beth picked up her cup again. “It was all very hard.”
“What did you end up doing?” Jenna asked.
After taking another sip of coffee, Mary Beth smiled. “I joined this group, which helped. And then I started shelving books at the library.”
“Oh?”
“Mary Beth is Alliance Library’s best volunteer,” Violet said. “She goes in two times a week, rain or shine.”
Mary Beth laughed. “Rain or shine are the easy days. It’s the January snow and ice days that are the hardest.”
“I’m not sure if I have time to volunteer at the library.” Or, truth be told, the interest.
“Some women go to work. Others are older, so they help with their grandchildren and such,” Violet said. “A few women here have started traveling. The important thing is to do something to get yourself out and about.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Gut.” Violet lowered her voice. “But here’s the most important thing . . . don’t think that you have to do everything all by yourself. Or only with other members of your family. Sometimes the people closest to you aren’t the ones who understand the most.”
“That is how I feel! Sometimes even my parents act as if I should be okay now.”
“I know.” Mary Beth nodded. “That’s why I befriended my pig. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be okay.” She winked. “Snout has no problem letting me know that he’s okay with how I am, even if it’s not fit for human company.”
Jenna chuckled. “Jah. Sometimes I think I’m only fit for a pig’s company.”
“Well, now you know that you are fit for more than a pig. You can come over to my haus, and I’ll be pleased for company—no matter what your mood. Come as you are, Jenna.”
Jenna was so touched, she realized that she was struggling not to cry. Thank you, Gott, she silently prayed. Thank you for bringing me here to these women again. “I just might take you up on that invitation.”
As the meeting continued, Doreen encouraged everyone to move between groups so they could get to know each other.
Jenna felt more and more at ease. She’d never been anywhere else where she wouldn’t have resented being told to move around again and again.
Even at church, she had her favorite places to sit and favorite people to spend time with.
Here, though, she found herself eager to get to know more women.
By the time she left, she realized that she’d made several more friends.
Some of the women had even asked if she’d like to join them for coffee sometime soon.
Jenna was looking forward to having an hour or two to visit with them before the next meeting.
When she got home, her mother was sitting at her kitchen table cutting out fabric for a new dress for Katie. Blue was at her feet, happily playing with a few of the bright-pink scraps of fabric.
“Ah, Jenna. You came at the perfect time.”
She eyed the fabric warily. “Please don’t tell me that you want me to help you stitch this together tonight.”
She set down the scissors in her hand. “No?”
“No.”
She chuckled. “That was a joke, child. Sometimes I think you lost all of your humor when Jimmy died.”
“Mamm, that isn’t fair. I still have my sense of humor. I just don’t want to sew . . . and you are a night owl.”
“I have made a dress in the evening before, but I’m ready to stop.” She folded the various parts of the dress over each other, then finally placed them all in a canvas tote bag resting on one of the chairs. “I’m gonna leave in a few minutes, but first tell me how your meeting went.”
“It went well. Better than the first meeting, I think.”
“I’m afraid I still don’t understand what kind of group this is.”
Jenna knew the Amish Widows Club was an unsecret secret. No one was hiding their membership, but every member preferred that no one talked about it.
Now that she was slowly getting to know the other women, she understood their reasoning. Some women shared some vulnerable things about themselves that other women—married women—would never understand.
Everyone thought the hardest part of widowhood was the grief and sense of loss.
And that was hard. But sometimes, Jenna thought it was more overwhelming to have everything in her life fall on her slim shoulders.
Every decision for Katie. The bills. Even something as simple as shoveling the walkway to the barn or weeding a flower bed. Sometimes she was just plain tired.
And, yes, sometimes she was angry with Jimmy too. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right, but she resented that he was gone while she was still here, doing her best to get through each day.
But she couldn’t tell her mother any of that.
“Like I told you, Mamm, it’s a group of Amish widows. We get together occasionally, eat some snacks, sip coffee, and catch up on our news.”
“Well, I suppose I could understand how you might enjoy their company.”
“Danke,” she said in a dry tone.
Walking to the sink to rinse out her coffee cup, her mother added, “Of course, I bet your participation in the group will run its course.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Well, those other women are much older than you, for one. Thank the good Lord that not too many women your age suffer the tragedy that you have.”
Jenna bit her lip.
“Then, of course, there is the obvious reason.”
“What is that?”
Looking slightly uncomfortable that she was being forced to say it, she added, “Well, soon you’ll be accepting callers.”
“You mean men?”
Her mother chuckled softly. “Well, of course I mean men. What other kind of callers could you be entertaining?”
“I don’t know,” she blurted quickly. Though that was a lie. She had Nelson. Kind, handsome, oh-so-capable Nelson, who seemed to know her needs before she did. Who never irritated her or pushed too hard for her to be different. She loved that about him.
Wait. Did she really love things about him?
“I don’t think I’ll be ready to have any callers anytime soon, Mamm.”
“Darling, you must. After all, you have Katie to think about.”
“It is Katie who I am thinking about. Whatever man I choose, he’s going to be a father to Katie. I must choose carefully.”
“Of course, it will take some time for your new husband to accept Katie, but he will in time.”
“I don’t want a man to merely accept her. I want someone to love her. Mamm, it’s Katie.”
“Jah, I understand. But not every man is going to have an easy time of that.” She clucked her tongue.
“You should be prepared for anything, Jenna. Why, Katie might even have to stay with Daed and me for a spell while you and your new husband get used to living together. Most men want time alone with their new brides.”
“I would never agree to such a thing.” She was shocked that her mother had suggested it.
“You might have to, honey.”
“Mamm, stop.”
Her mother looked completely taken aback. “Have you really not thought about getting married again?”
“No.”
“Jenna, you are going to need someone.”
“We have Nelson,” she blurted. “Nelson is my friend, and Katie loves him. He’s kind to her. I’m in no hurry to put someone else in our lives.”
“But Nelson is only visiting you because he feels guilty, right? Plus, when he finds his own wife, she’s not going to want him visiting you and Katie.”
“I don’t think he’s looking for a wife.”
“If he isn’t today, he probably will be tomorrow.”
“Mother, you don’t know him. Nelson isn’t like that.”
Lowering her voice, her mother stared at her intently. “Jenna, you need to pull your head out of the clouds. Whatever you and Nelson have is not sustainable. It’s going to end. And then one day, this odd relationship the two of you have will be just a memory.”
The prospect of losing Nelson was painful. Tears filled her eyes.
If this was her new reality, then it pinched something awful.
Almost as bad as losing Jimmy had.