Chapter 9
NINE
As Jack heads off to make sure our car park ticket isn’t about to run out, I glance around the parent-and-baby section of the department store.
My gaze lands on a Jellycat Louie Lion, the exact same snuggle toy Kai had treasured, and I feel a wave of grief crash violently through me.
I shouldn’t be shopping for baby things.
It’s too soon. Jack had smiled reassuringly when I said I thought we might be tempting fate.
‘We’re browsing,’ he said, wrapping an arm around me and drawing me close.
‘I don’t think the gods of fate are going to be frowning down on us.
’ I can’t help thinking it might be bad luck, though, fate having already been so unkind to us both.
It was Jack’s idea to come into town and ‘check out the baby stores’.
I didn’t have the heart to say no. He looked so shocked when I told him I was pregnant, my heart plummeted.
But then such a delighted smile curved his mouth, it warmed me right down to my toes.
Now, he’s like a kid at Christmas. Evie, though, clearly isn’t exactly ecstatic.
I so wish Jack hadn’t told her our news before we’d had a chance to sit down and talk to her together.
She will still be traumatised over the loss of her mother.
Losing her the way she had meant she had no grave to visit, nowhere to focus her grief.
All she had were unanswered questions. When I met her, she seemed so lost and withdrawn my heart bled for her.
Having lost my own mum in my early twenties, I knew to a degree how she felt.
I was aware that I could never replace her mother, but I’d hoped when she and Jack moved in with me that I could become a friend to her, that she might feel able to talk to me.
Up until recently, I thought we were bonding.
We’d watched TV together, bingeing on the latest hot drama series.
We’d been shopping together. She’d even said I had great taste in clothes, borrowing one or two of my sweatshirts.
She hadn’t seemed to mind that Jack and I were together, though naturally I worried she might.
Now there’s a divide opening up between us and I have no idea how to cross it.
She seems not to even want to talk to me, other than monosyllabically.
Perhaps it’s just her age. At sixteen, her body will be going through all sorts of physical and mental changes.
Learning that Jack and I are having a child together won’t have helped her emotional security.
I debate for a second and then decide to call her. Her phone rings out, and guessing she’s not going to pick up, I’m about to end the call when she answers with a wary ‘Hello?’
‘Hi, Evie. It’s just me,’ I say, making sure to keep my tone light.
‘I know,’ she says blandly.
Of course she would. My name would have come up. ‘I’m just calling to check you’re okay.’
‘Fine,’ she says with a sigh, as if she has no idea why I would think she wouldn’t be.
‘We decided to get some lunch while we’re out,’ I push on. ‘There’s pizza in the freezer if you fancy it.’
‘Oh, right, cool,’ she says with a little more enthusiasm.
‘Will you be there when we get back?’ I ask, hoping she will be. I need to talk to her, try to establish how she feels about the prospect of a new baby brother.
‘No. I’m going round to Immy’s. Catch you later,’ she says, and ends the call.
Well, that was short and sweet. I sigh inwardly, then, not wanting to loiter here any longer, start towards the store exit to meet Jack coming back. On my way, I see someone I recognise. Melanie, the nurse who’d done my ultrasound, I realise, giving her a wave as she notices me.
‘Mrs Keenan.’ She smiles as I approach her. ‘How are you?’
‘Kara,’ I remind her. ‘I’m fine, thank you.
Growing.’ Glancing down, I press a hand to my small bump.
‘Although I haven’t felt him kicking yet,’ I confide.
She’s the sort of person who’s easy to talk to.
Once I’d told her of my circumstances, I’d found myself opening up to her, telling her about Jack, why he wasn’t with me at the hospital and about his tragic loss.
She’d been so sympathetic. I’d felt a lot better coming out of the scan room than I had going in.
‘It’s early days,’ she reminds me. ‘You’re about fifteen weeks now as I recall. You’ll feel his first movements at around sixteen weeks and he has a strong heartbeat, remember? We saw it on the monitor. There’s nothing to worry about.’
‘Of course. I’m just being neurotic. Ignore me.’ I roll my eyes in despair at myself.
‘It’s perfectly normal.’ She gives me a reassuring smile. ‘Your body’s undergoing lots of changes. It’s a huge event in your life. It’s bound to be a bit overawing.’
She’s right. I know it is, but still, I can’t help worrying. Waiting for the worst to happen, I suppose.
‘Are you shopping or just browsing?’ she enquires.
‘Browsing. As you say, it’s early days, but Jack persuaded me.’
‘Your husband?’ she asks.
‘Partner,’ I remind her. ‘He’s just gone to top up the parking fee so we can stay in town and have some lunch.’
‘Ah, yes. How’s he doing now?’
‘He’s okay,’ I reply. ‘Still carrying a lot of guilt over what happened to his poor wife. He blames himself. I tell him he shouldn’t, but…’
‘It’s part of the grieving process,’ she says sympathetically.
‘Survivor’s guilt. I know all about that.’ I nod sadly.
She answers with a small smile, but seems a little distracted. ‘I think he’s looking for you,’ she says.
I follow her gaze to see Jack wandering around the department. ‘Perfect timing,’ I say, pleased. ‘You can finally say hello to him.’
‘I’d love to. Unfortunately, I’m running horribly late for an appointment.’ Her face seems very pale as she quickly checks her watch. ‘Take care. I’ll see you soon.’
I gaze after her, perplexed, as she hurries off. I can’t help wondering how she knew it was Jack.