CHAPTER SEVENTEEN #2
The question almost destroyed him. He could have lied. Said it didn't matter. It mattered. God, it mattered.
“Yes.”
Jessica looked at him. Alex continued before the answer became pressure.
“But not because I want you to prove anything today.” He touched his own ring.
“I want you to wear it if it means something you choose. Not because I put it on you eleven years ago and we decided that choice had to last no matter what happened after.”
Jessica swallowed. She picked up the ring. Alex’s chest tightened. She didn't put it on. Instead she closed her hand around it.
“Not yet.”
He nodded.
“Okay.”
Her eyes met his. There was no disappointment in his face this time because Alex refused to let there be. Not yet wasn't no. More importantly, even if it became no, she had the right.
Dr. Ward asked, “What would rebuilding practically require?”
Alex looked toward Jessica. She answered first.
“Separate apartments a little longer.”
“Yes.”
“Counseling.”
“Yes.”
“Alex stays in individual therapy.”
“Apparently forever.”
Dr. Ward lifted an eyebrow.
Jessica almost smiled.
“We keep the co-parenting schedule until we decide together that it changes.”
Alex nodded.
“My work stays restructured.”
Jessica’s expression sharpened.
“Because you want it.”
“Yes.”
“Not because I’m coming back.”
“Yes.”
She looked at him for another second. “I need to be able to tell you when the hospital comes back.”
“What do you mean?”
“When I get angry again.”
Alex waited.
“When something reminds me of it. When I wake up and hate you for it even if the day before was good.”
“Yes.”
“I don’t want to hear that we’ve already discussed it.”
“You won’t.”
“I don’t want you acting like my remembering means I’m punishing you.”
“I won’t.”
Jessica looked down.
“And I need you to tell me when you’re scared.”
Alex blinked.
She continued.
“I can’t be married to another man who thinks pretending he isn’t frightened makes him strong.”
The words struck deep. Alex nodded. “I can do that.”
“You’ll hate it.”
“I already do.”
A small smile appeared.
“I know.”
They drove to the apartment separately after counseling.
That had been Jessica’s suggestion.
Alex hadn't known until then that she intended to come.
He arrived first and stood in the foyer waiting.
His pulse was embarrassingly fast.
The apartment hadn't changed.
He had replaced food.
Cleaned.
Worked.
Slept.
But he hadn't touched Jessica’s belongings beyond packing anything she specifically asked him to send.
Her favorite mug still sat on the shelf.
Her raincoat hung in the closet.
Half of her shoes remained beneath the console because apparently one furnished apartment couldn't contain Jessica Kane’s footwear.
The nursery door remained closed.
A knock sounded.
Alex opened the front door.
Jessica stood there.
He almost said welcome home.
He caught himself.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
She walked in.
Alex stepped aside.
Jessica looked around.
Her expression tightened.
“Everything looks the same.”
“I wasn’t sure what to change.”
She nodded.
Her gaze moved toward the living room.
Then the stairs.
Then back to him.
“Can I see the nursery?”
“Of course.”
They walked down the hallway.
Alex stopped outside the door.
Jessica opened it herself.
The room smelled faintly of paint and unused furniture.
The crib waited against one wall.
Shelves held books neither of them had read to Sophia yet.
Above the crib, Jessica’s mural remained unfinished.
Moon.
Stars.
Clouds.
Blank space.
Jessica stepped inside.
Alex remained near the doorway.
“You really left it.”
“Yes.”
She moved closer to the wall.
Her fingers hovered over one unfinished cloud.
“I thought you’d finish it.”
“Why?”
“Because you finish things.”
He looked at the mural.
“Not things that aren’t mine.”
Jessica turned.
Alex felt her gaze.
“I used to think everything in this apartment was ours.”
“It is.”
“No.”
He shook his head.
“I meant it belongs to both of us. That doesn’t mean every choice belongs to me.”
Jessica looked back at the wall.
“You’ve learned a lot of words.”
“Very expensive words.”
She laughed.
The sound filled the nursery.
Alex had imagined hearing it here.
He had simply imagined Sophia in Jessica’s arms while it happened.
Not this.
Maybe this version was more valuable because nothing about it was guaranteed.
Jessica walked to the box of painting supplies in the corner.
Alex had covered it after dust settled during winter.
She opened it.
Brushes.
Paints.
The palette Jessica had abandoned.
She lifted one brush.
Alex watched.
Jessica selected another and held it out to him.
“Then help me finish it.”
For a second Alex couldn't move.
He looked at the brush.
Then at her.
“Are you sure?”
“No.”
She smiled slightly.
“But I want you to.”
Alex crossed the room.
He took the brush.
Their fingers touched.
This time Jessica didn't withdraw.
They painted for almost an hour.
Alex was terrible.
Jessica told him repeatedly.
He reminded her that architecture and illustration were not interchangeable skills.
She accused him of insulting art.
He got pale blue paint on the cuff of his shirt.
Jessica laughed until she had to put the brush down.
Alex stared at her.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“You’re staring.”
“I’m allowed.”
The old exchange slipped between them.
Jessica’s smile softened.
“Are you?”
Alex’s chest tightened.
He set the brush down.
“I don’t know.”
The honesty changed the room.
Jessica stepped closer.
Her hand came to the front of his shirt.
Not pulling.
Resting.
Alex looked down at her fingers.
Then at her face.
“Jessi.”
“I know.”
He laughed softly.
“That’s my line now.”
“I stole it.”
She rose onto her toes and kissed him.
Alex didn't touch her for the first second.
He needed to know she was choosing this.
Her mouth pressed more firmly against his.
Then Alex lifted one hand to her face.
Slowly.
Jessica moved closer.
The kiss deepened.
Months of restraint existed in it.
Want.
Anger.
Grief.
Memory.
Alex felt all of them and refused to turn any one emotion into permission for more.
Jessica broke the kiss first.
Her forehead rested against his.
Both were breathing harder.
“I’m not coming home tonight.”
“I know.”
Her fingers tightened in his shirt.
“I wanted you to argue.”
Alex smiled against her forehead.
“I know.”
“Stop.”
He laughed.
Jessica did too.
Then she kissed him once more.
Shorter.
Softer.
When she stepped back, Alex let her.
She looked at the unfinished mural.
“Next Saturday?”
His chest tightened.
“Yes.”
“Sophia can supervise.”
“She is deeply judgmental.”
“Like her mother.”
“Exactly.”
Jessica picked up her bag.
Alex followed her to the foyer.
At the door she looked back.
Her ring was still not on her hand.
Alex noticed.
Then made himself look at her face.
She noticed that too.
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
Jessica left.
Alex closed the door.
For several minutes he stood there looking at the quiet apartment.
It was still empty.
But for the first time since Sophia’s birth, it no longer felt abandoned.
It felt unfinished.
There was a difference.