Chapter 7 #2
“Nothing. I appreciate it. That you feel protective. I guess. But I have enough older brothers.”
That felt wrenched from her, made her stomach twist just slightly.
Because they were talking about Jason. And she was trying to be completely genuine here.
She wasn’t trying to speak in double entendre or anything like that.
She was... She was trying. Because she needed things to change.
She needed to think about this differently.
“Well, I’m not sure why you asked me.”
“Because I really didn’t know how to read the situation. It’s not like I have any experience with this.”
He froze. “What?”
It was like somebody took a match and held it up against her face. Did he really not—had he not realized?
Well, it stood to reason. She paid very close attention to Nolan’s sex life because it infuriated her.
It made her feel things. She was fascinated and repulsed and compelled by his sexuality, and the way that he used it with other women.
Had been ever since she had seen him making out with that girl in his truck.
It had been impossible for her not to imagine what it looked like when he did other things. Whenever he hooked up with a woman, she thought about it far too deeply. Wondered with too much keen fascination exactly how things went when he took a woman to bed.
Of course, he didn’t do the same with her. Of course, he had just sort of benignly assumed that she was out there doing whatever.
And, of course, he hadn’t actually investigated it. Because why would he? It meant nothing to him.
“Never mind,” she said.
“No, I need you to backtrack.”
“I do not need—Please tell me that you’re not telling me that you haven’t...”
“Not technically. But, you know, horse riding typically handles the hymen. So whether you want to claim virginity as a social or physical construct, either way, I’m not really buying into it.”
“Shit,” he said, slamming his plate down. “Don’t talk to me about... that.”
“Sorry. It’s just... It’s awkward and it’s stupid, and I don’t like to call myself... you know, a virgin. Because it’s not like I’m some sacred figure in the Catholic Church or primed to be a sacrifice. I just haven’t gotten around to it.”
“You haven’t gotten around to fucking.”
He was trying to provoke her but she’d just admitted to being a virgin so she was past the point of provocation.
“No. I haven’t. I’ve been busy. Keeping up with you guys. In every way but that, apparently.”
“Lila...” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I need to go back in time and not know that.”
“Why?”
“Because now I don’t want you to call him.”
“You already told me not—”
“Fine. Now I don’t want him to call you. I don’t like this. Any of it. He’s a player, and he just wants to use you for sex and you have no idea what you’re doing.”
“That’s what you’re not understanding, I would like to be used for sex.
” She was tripping over her words now, her heart pounding so hard she could barely breathe.
Why had she thought it was a good idea to have this conversation?
Why had she said all that? She hadn’t meant to.
She hadn’t meant to say all of it. She had only meant to ask what his take was on Jason, not go spilling her guts about her experience.
She certainly hadn’t meant to talk about her hymen. Or lack of it.
“You deserve better than that.”
“Why? What was your first time like?”
He looked like he’d been smacked across the face. “I... I don’t know. It was a long time ago.”
“Yeah. I know it was. I think I caught you right before one of your early times in your truck once.” She could have bitten her tongue off. That was another thing she hadn’t needed to say.
“What?”
“I don’t know. I was like twelve. And you were making out with some girl in your truck.”
“Oh, for God’s sake.”
“I’m assuming you were sexually active by then.”
He looked downright irritated. “Yes. Yes. I was. Because sex is free. And I was handsome and poor.”
She laughed. She couldn’t help it. This was awkward and that was hilarious.
“Fair enough.”
“My point is, you’ve waited a long time. Shouldn’t it be special? I didn’t mean to wait a long time.”
His eyes met hers, and she felt like he could almost see the truth.
She almost felt like confessing to him, but it felt so...
Dangerous. Right now she felt like she was standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down into the abyss.
She could tell him. She could tell him exactly why she’d never had sex before.
The reckless part of her wanted to, but the part of her that still had some pride held her back.
“I really never wanted to be my mom. And I think I wanted to make sure that I had a good sense of myself before I got into anything like that. But now I feel like I deserve some years to fool around. I don’t want my first time to mean anything.”
“Great. Then call him. Or let him call you. Whatever the fuck. I don’t care.”
He set his plate down. “I’m tired. I’m going to go take care of the necessities out in the woods, and then I’m going to get my sleeping bag rolled out.”
“Okay. Great,” she said.
She took that opportunity to change into her pajamas in the tent. Thankfully, she had brought thick sweats. For all that the day was warm, the nights tended to get pretty cold, and right now, it felt like a necessary buffer between her and Nolan.
She felt so small and so stupid. She couldn’t believe she had just said all that to him. Had just spilled her guts like that.
But he had affirmed that Jason wanted to bang her, so she supposed that she should be grateful for that.
She took her own turn, going into the opposite side of the trees to relieve herself before bedding down, and was back in the tent by the time he came back. She jumped, and then stretched out across her sleeping bag, which was positioned as far into the left corner of the tent as was possible.
“Good night,” she said, her words muffled by the fact that her mouth was against her forearm.
“Good night.”
She didn’t turn to watch him lay down, didn’t see what he was wearing to bed. She didn’t want to look at him at all. She definitely didn’t need an echo of the night above the bar, when he’d laid down on top of the covers half naked…
No, she wasn’t looking at him.
But she did look at her phone screen, when it lit up bright with a text.
Not a phone call.
Are you going to be free next Saturday night? Me and some of the boys were thinking of coming back and hitting the bar.
Well, she could certainly make sure she was free then. She could make sure their overnight trips didn’t conflict with that time. She could make sure she got home from whatever she was doing with time to get pretty.
And then... She could go to the bar, have a few drinks, take him back to her place, and lose her virginity.
For some reason, just thinking about it made her feel like she was being stabbed in the chest.
Yes.
She sent the text without thinking, and he sent back a time and a promise to keep in touch.
Well, she was doing it. Operation: Get Rid of This Insane Need For Nolan Wright was a go.
Then she set her phone down, squeezed her eyes shut tight, and tried not to cry.
Then she fell asleep listening to the sound of Nolan breathing.