Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
Lila had barely left the house for the last two days. She hadn’t wanted to run into Nolan again. She had actually taken two days off, which was completely unusual for her.
Yeah, she had dealt with some online communication with some of their accounts, and she had done some schedule finessing for Marlowe, and on behalf of the rest of the ranch, but that wasn’t that big of a deal, and she could do it in her pajamas.
But what she wasn’t going to do at her own house was run into Nolan.
She felt like there was a fire underneath her skin, and it made her feel compelled to tear the whole thing off, layer by layer. Which was one of the more insane thoughts she had ever had.
But, she was kind of insane right now.
She was also looking forward to her date with Jason. In theory.
Thinking about that had led her to some truly strange places, including some purely educational texts on sex, and then to the dungeons of a popular fan fiction site so that she could consume hot, detailed material that cemented certain things in her mind.
She knew that erotica wasn’t actually reality, but she also felt like she needed to familiarize herself with the vocabulary, the physical positions and body parts, the fluids, quite frankly.
Though, she was also smart enough to know that they shouldn’t be swapping too many fluids, because safe sex was paramount.
She was on the pill, which helped her peace of mind. She was mainly on the pill because it helped tame her period into submission, made her cramps a little bit more manageable, and made everything more predictable, but she was grateful that it existed as a backup now.
She knew that condoms were mostly effective, but she wanted to make sure that the gap was closed in all ways possible.
It wasn’t like she didn’t know the mechanics of sex, she absolutely did, but the more that she read, the more that she chose to educate and reeducate, the less she thought she might feel like a virgin who was completely out of her league, and who hadn’t even had a real kiss before.
She didn’t want him to know that. Not any of those things. She didn’t want him to know that he was her first anything, she wanted to show up with confidence, and maybe some moves.
Which was how she ended up reading some detailed instruction posts online for how to satisfy a man with your mouth or your hand, and she went into her kitchen and looked at the cucumber in her fridge and seriously considered making it a test subject, but then she died of cringe even considering it.
She was a quick study. She would figure this out too. Besides, that cucumber was probably really overestimating things.
She didn’t feel like she had exactly achieved sanity during her days off. No, a fan fiction rabbit hole and cucumber musings were not sanity. She knew that.
But it was Nolan-free.
She had only rarely thought of him when reading up on those things.
Rarely. Otherwise, she managed to put a blank space into her imaginings. She wasn’t really imagining herself either, but the characters in the story, but still.
It felt so easy, fictionally, to give up control.
Those were the stories that she liked best. When the male main character was just confident, when he made the moves, when he taught the female main character what she was supposed to do, and maybe even when he pushed her a little bit, and she had a feeling it was because in her own life, the lack of control was what she resisted the most. Hence, all of her strange attempts at education.
But she really needed to set that aside. For the moment and get prepared for actually seeing Nolan. Which meant maybe getting some of those X-rated images out of her head.
Too soon, her reprieve was over, and she was waiting for Nolan to come and pick her up to take her to the job site.
When he pulled in, her heart leapt up into her throat. Annoying. It wasn’t like it did that every time she saw him, it was only that things did feel sharp with him.
They had.
Whether or not she was nervous because she didn’t trust herself, or nervous because she felt an increase of tension, she couldn’t quite say.
So she opted to be the loudest, most annoying, chatty version of herself as she flung the passenger door open wide.
“Good morning.”
“Morning,” he said.
He barely looked at her.
He was unusually quiet, and she felt the need to fill the silence, giving him an absolute info dump on all of the ranch work that she had done this weekend, and every idea she’d had about how they could distract Marlowe and Cody.
The truth was, she hadn’t had any ideas about that this weekend, because she had been singularly focused on sex education.
But, she was very good at winging it, and so she was doing it now.
“Did you have cocaine this morning in your coffee?”
“No. I snorted it like a normal person.”
“Sure.” He laughed. “But seriously, what is your deal?”
“Just raring to go. I actually took time off, so I’m rested up.”
“Good for you,” he said.
“What about you? What did you do?”
“Went out.”
Oh. He went out? Did that mean that he had...
Her eyes landed on his hands, both of which were tight around the steering wheel.
She couldn’t stop herself from imagining those hands on another woman’s body.
She had seen it before. And it had been horrific and had also fueled her fantasies for a long damned time, and suddenly, her fantasies became much more vivid, and she was the woman in them. And he was the man.
All the filth that she had filled her head with this weekend now starred them, and it paraded itself in front of her mind’s eye with zero shame.
“I hope you had a great time,” she said, her tone sullen and wooden.
“I wouldn’t say that. But it was fine.”
He definitely didn’t sound like a man who had just gotten laid. Not that it was any of her business. At all.
“Well, anyway. We could always just take Marlowe and Cody out to the Velvet Slipper for a drink to celebrate their engagement. That way, we can actually dress a little bit nice before the party. Plus with the drive into town... Even if it’s kind of short, we’ll be gone for at least two hours.”
“Not a bad idea,” Nolan said.
“And,” she said, “it will give me time to scope out the venue before my date.”
She felt his eyes land on her, sharp. “You’ve been there before.”
“Sure. But it’s been a while. Maybe something’s changed.”
He laughed. “It’s Mustang River’s most basic watering hole, it has not changed.”
“Well, still. I always like to get a glance at the menu in advance.”
“Sure.”
The hike into their camping spot was now so familiar that she could practically do it with her eyes closed.
Which was good, because it was getting long, and it was nice to be able to let her mind wander while she walked, but also bad, because her mind wandering right now wasn’t actually the best thing.
Nolan was behind her, and it was like she could feel his presence. She had always been able to feel him, but it felt more and more intense right now.
They didn’t talk very much on the walk, and they didn’t talk very much all throughout the day. They just put their heads down and worked.
They had left their base camp where it had been before, which meant they didn’t have to worry about setting up, even if they did have to walk a few miles back.
They were like a well-oiled machine, and for the first time, she really felt like she was working with Nolan. There was no resistance. No pushback.
He was efficient and strong, she was detail-oriented and determined. They worked in concert, and it almost felt like sex. For all that she knew about sex.
Like he was the perfect complement to her.
To everything she was. She watched his muscles bunch and shift with each and every movement, felt the impact of the axe every time he brought it down on a rogue root.
Felt the vibration of the chainsaw inside of her when he picked it up to take out a larger obstacle.
She had never thought that this sort of thing could be erotic. But it was.
There was something about the silence that was almost more intimate than when they spoke.
Maybe because it wasn’t turning into a fight.
And with Nolan, that was kind of a blessed thing.
When they sat down for lunch, Nolan took his phone out of his pocket, and she watched as he hesitated over something, his thumb hovering over the screen for a long time.
Their silence had been companionable, and it was entirely possible that she should continue to allow the silence to be companionable.
Instead, she spoke. “What?”
“What are you looking at?”
“I got an email from Christy.”
“Who’s Christy?” Her stomach twisted in immediate, hot jealousy, and she imagined him with some faceless woman, her shoved against the wall at the Velvet Slipper while Nolan kissed her with expertise.
The expertise that he’d had even back when he had been seventeen, which was the only expertise of his that she had ever witnessed.
“My half-sister,” he said.
The jealousy rushed out of her, like air leaving a balloon. “Mom’s or Dad’s?”
“My dad’s. I... She wants to meet up.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t know what I should even say. Or where, or...”
“Meet her in town somewhere.”
“We’ve got so much going on right now.”
“Well, why don’t you make it after Cody and Marlowe’s engagement party? Where does she live?”
“She lives in La Pine, apparently.”
“Yeah, not that far. But you know, for fun we could arrange it so she can stay at the ranch for a few days. You can meet her in town, she can stay at the resort, and we can offer that free of charge.”
“Really?”
“Of course. Just... Whatever makes it easier. And if that makes her scared that you’re going to kill her or something, then obviously, she doesn’t have to take us up on that.”
“Why would she think that I was going to kill her?”
“I don’t know, if a strange man messaged me, that might be what I assumed.”
“We have a DNA match on that family website.”
“Still. I have trust issues. I imagine she does too.”