6. Tanner
TANNER
The bar is nearly empty as I see headlights illuminate the front windows of Boots on Bar and Grill, my pulse hammering in my throat as I scrub the table in front of me just for something to do.
Between things at Vetted Paws, Briggs’s science project we finally turned in, and my nerves getting the best of me, my get my man plan got pushed to the back burner. It felt like too much time had passed and then I started doubting if Deacon was even still interested.
I miss him.
And I miss him showing up at Vetted Paws to ask me out and what I can now see was him flirting. How did I not realize?
It’s a question I could dwell on, or I could take advantage of the opportunity in front of me and hold on to it with both hands.
Bodhi and I had been having lunch here when Deacon’s brother, Jude, and Arden were having a moment by the bar.
I couldn’t hear it but the conversation seemed heavy—emotional—and then her water had broken and it was all-hands-on-deck.
I remember when Fallon’s water broke and the sheer panic I’d felt getting her to the hospital on base. Fallon had been incredible, her strength and poise so remarkable as she brought our son into the world.
But with Jude needing to get Arden to the hospital, Bodhi and I took over the bar until Deacon could get here to lock everything up. Bodhi had given me a knowing smirk as I told him to head home and that I’d handle helping Deacon with whatever else needed to be done.
Apparently, everyone except me could see how I felt about Deacon.
Swallowing hard, I push my nerves down as Deacon steps through the door, the bell jingling overhead as his eyes lock on mine. I’m frozen, captured by his stare, the rag halted on the tabletop as I wait for something.
But just as quickly as he caught my eye, his gaze continues around the room, most likely noting the people finishing up the last of their drinks.
“Is everyone cashed out?” Deacon asks, his normally jovial smile nowhere in sight, and my stomach sinks as I nod.
“Yes, they were told they had until you got here to finish up. We did what we could as people left.”
“We?”
“Bodhi was here earlier.” Blushing, I admit, “I sent him home as things calmed down.”
“Why?” Deacon asks, the question lacking warmth as he studies me.
“I wanted to see you.” I wanted you all to myself.
“I haven’t seen you in a couple of weeks.
” I force nonchalance into my tone even though there’s not a cell in my body that feels unaffected by the man in front of me.
Instead of answering right away, Deacon shrugs one shoulder as he moves around to the other side of the bar to close out the register.
He looks up and says a quick goodbye to the last customers as they head out, and I hustle over to lock the door behind them. Jude had flipped the sign to “closed” when he left with Arden, but we still had to turn a number of people away.
Bussing the table, I carry their plates and drinks to the bar and set them on the polished wood.
“I decided that I’m done chasing you,” Deacon says as the register tape prints with enthusiasm.
I want to gape at him, but my time in the military thankfully won’t allow it. At least I have that going for me.
“I decided that I’m done chasing you.”
Flashes of what I’d said to Cal the day he pushed me back into the office float around the periphery of my mind.
Did I speak this into existence? Is this really how the universe is punishing me for not having my shit together?
“Deacon, I—”
“It’s okay,” he says gently, the words so at odds with his size. He looks like he should be gruff and unapproachable, but he’s sweet and kind and apparently over me. Dammit. “We’re in different phases of life, and as much as I’d love to take you out…you’re not there yet.”
“I just—”
“I know.” He holds his hands up in surrender. “And maybe someday we’ll align.”
“I am there. I know it took me a while to get here. I know.” I throw my hands out wide because it had taken months for me to get here.
So many months.
“Tanner.” Even though I can feel the dismissal in the way he says my name, I can’t help the flicker of want that surfaces either. “I can’t do this.”
“Can’t do…”
“This.” He motions between us with his hand as I stare slack-jawed at him.
Not…we can’t do this right now.
Not…we should take things slow.
This.
I can’t do this.
“I should have told you before that I’m—”
“That’s your business, Tanner. It’s been weeks, not just a couple, and so I heard you loud and clear. I’m done chasing you.” His voice harder, he says, “Thanks for the help tonight. I’ll deal with the rest and then I need to get to the hospital.”
“Deacon, please, just let me explain.”
“Not tonight.” Gentler, he adds, “I don’t have it in me tonight to make you feel better when I just want to be with my family.”
“Of course.”
Wordlessly, I grab the spray and the rag I’d left on the other table and clean the one that was just vacated, wiping down the chairs before turning them over and resting them on the tabletop.
I turn the remaining chairs up off the floor before setting the cleaning supplies back where I found them and heading for the door. A huge part of me wants to shout “See?! This is why I was scared to do this!”
But the other part knows Deacon has every right to shut me down.
At the very least, his brother and Arden are having a baby, and my bullshit dating issues should be the least of his worries.
Without giving myself time to dwell on it, I turn back around and make a beeline for the bar, my hand resting on the edge like an anchor as Deacon’s eyes meet mine.
“I’ve never chased anyone a day in my life. I don’t know how but I’ll figure it out. Because this,”—I motion between us—“can’t be over. I’m tired of being in my own way, and I’m sorry I was too scared to say yes.”
“Tanner.”
“I’m still scared, Deacon. I’m terrified, actually, but you’re right. You need to be with your family, and I need to figure out how to be what you need.”
The spark is back in his bourbon-colored gaze, his lips curving up on one side in a way that makes me think he’s both amused and impressed. And I’ll take it.
Because undoubtedly, I’m going to need all the help I can get.