16. Tanner
TANNER
The jiggle of the door handle is the only warning I have that Briggs is here before the door flies open and my ten-year-old races into the house. I laugh as he rounds the island and crashes into me with a fierce hug.
He always gives the best hugs.
There’s a strange flitter of emotion that washes over me that I can’t quite name as he releases me and drops his backpack on the floor. So much of my time after the divorce, those hugs were a lifeline—a buoy in the sea of unknown.
Grounding.
But this one, even though I’m over the moon to have him, feels warm and loving and good without feeling like a balm to my soul. Is it just a good day? Is it because I finally gave in and went on a date with Deacon?
“Dad!” Briggs says, rummaging through his bag as he pulls out one of those sticky hands that you can slap on windows, walls, and, if you’re really unlucky, leaves a mark on the ceiling.
“I got this from the prize box because I did all my work and then I got out my book and read until everyone else was done.” He beams and so do I.
“You mean you sat quietly while you waited?” I tease, because the second the kid gets home he’s like a mini tornado.
I ruffle his hair and laugh when he ducks and tries to smooth the long strands back into place.
My father never would have let me grow my hair that long, and maybe that’s why I haven’t pushed Briggs to get it cut even though it’s dicey on whether or not he can see without doing that little head twitch all the kids do.
“Daaad,” he whines, “can I have a snack?”
“Sure.” He’s already in the fridge before I can get out the reply, but I appreciate the intention all the same.
“Uncle Wren let me help with the dogs and then we met your friend!” he chatters, my eyebrow arching as I look at Fallon, her lips rolled together as she tries to hold back a smirk.
Uh-oh.
“Yeah? Who’s that?”
“Deacon. He’s super tall, right?”
I nearly choke on my own saliva as Fallon shakes with silent laughter. Perfect.
“He seems like a very nice friend,” Fallon adds, mischief in her tone, and why the hell won’t the floor just swallow me now?
“He is,” I manage and because I’m already dying from this conversation, I figure I might as well go all the way. “Hey Buddy, can you take your stuff to your room quick? I just want to talk to your mom for a minute.”
“Sure, Dad,” he says with an eye roll that would have gotten me laps around the house at his age.
When he’s out of earshot, I turn on Fallon, but she already has her hands up, palms facing me in surrender. “He was just there.”
“What did he say?”
“That you’re friends.” Her eyebrows jump up and down. “How was your date?”
Fuck.
“It was great,” I say, unable to keep the sadness from my voice because it was great but it’s just…
“That’s great!” She smiles before her expression falls. “If it was great, why do you look so miserable?”
“I need to tell you something, and I need you to promise not to get mad.”
“I can’t promise that.” Huffing, she corrects, “I promise not to be mad at you. I don’t promise I won’t be mad at the situation.”
“I feel it.” The words are like shards of glass leaving my mouth, my knuckles turning white as I grip the edge of the counter. “I feel that relief of being with the person you were meant to be with.”
“That’s a good thing,” she reassures softly, but I shake my head.
“It’s makes me think about you and Otto and how long—”
“We’ve talked about this,” she says firmly.
“You and I made a decision and I wouldn’t change that.
Briggs is a piece of our story that we get to have forever.
We weren’t right for each other, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t give our kid the absolute best life while we were together.
And it doesn’t mean that we don’t still love each other.
We had to wait and this”—she waves her hand around—“is the reward.”
“I kissed him, Fallon. I kissed him and it scrambled my brain, and it took me years to get here and that didn’t matter before because I didn’t have this to compare it to. But you were with Otto. You had this feeling tucked away and—”
“I changed my mind,” she hisses. “I am mad at you.”
“No, you’re not,” I challenge, releasing the counter before turning and leaning against it. “You know what I mean.”
“I know what you mean and you’re still not listening, Tanner.
There’s no other way that things could have worked out between you and me, and I won’t even entertain it.
Our son has the best life. He has so many people who love him, and we wouldn’t be here if you and I didn’t try to make our marriage work.
We had to.” The last three words are punctuated, and I feel them ricochet around my brain.
“Why are you trying so hard not to be loved?”
“I’m not.”
“You are. You think you deserve this life of solitude and it hurts, Tanner. It hurts because I look at you and even though I’m living my dream, a part of me feels guilty for being as happy as I am.”
“Fallon.” There are no words to describe the way that statement absolutely destroys me. “That’s not… God, I’m so sorry. That’s not what I meant. You and Otto are perfect and I love him too. I love being part of the family and all the absolute chaos that comes with it.”
“But do you see how easily I can do it too? I can choose to wallow in the guilt that never fully went away where you’re concerned, or I can live and try my best to support you as you navigate this new and incredible part of your life.”
“I’m scared.”
“We’re all scared, Tanner. I never wanted to get married again and yet my ex-husband was instrumental in getting me down the aisle to my new husband.” She says it with a huff and I can’t help the way my lips twitch.
That was a great day.
And I was honored to be a part of it.
“We get to be happy, Tanner. We get to be really, freaking happy and we don’t need to feel guilty about it.”
“You’re right.”
“I know.” She flips her hair over her shoulder. “Go clear your mind and then help Briggs with his math homework because I think I made it worse and Otto can’t do math on paper.”
I snort out a laugh because that makes sense. Otto is incredible with his hands. He and his brother Case run a thriving landscaping business, and I’ve seen him eyeball measurements and be pretty damn close to perfect.
But that’s practical math. The stuff Briggs is bringing home is designed to make a grown person doubt if they even know how to function in everyday life.
It’s so fun.
“Are you going to be all right?” she asks, her voice soft and full of concern.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
I smile and this time I think I really mean it.