33. Deacon
DEACON
It’s impossible to stop my lips from twitching as Tanner downs half his beer, his leg crowded against mine under the table and his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat.
He’s fucking adorable and while my initial instinct is to try and put him at ease, I like seeing him like this—off-balance and confident sitting across from me.
It’s a heady combination.
“I’m sorry for basically tackling you,” he says, leaning back in the booth and reluctantly meeting my gaze.
“I’m not,” I murmur, pressing my leg harder against his as I let my mouth curve into a wicked smile. “I thought it was sexy as fuck.”
His cheeks heat as his fingers flex around where they’re holding the glass. “I was jealous as fuck,” he mutters, his eyes widening as if he hadn’t meant to say that last part out loud.
“Tanner.”
“And apparently I’m too tired to have a filter.”
“What else?” I tease.
“I trust you,” he starts with a shake of his head.
“I just… I didn’t like the way he touched you.
It was familiar and obviously something and it’s hard to look at you and wonder why you’re so okay with this when I haven’t seen you in days and…
” He motions toward himself and I can guess he’s trying to highlight his inexperience, and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be pissed or not.
“Have I done something to make you feel otherwise? But also, I need you to elaborate on it’s hard to look at you,” I say instead, needing that clarification as a way to lower my blood pressure.
“I’ve been MIA for a week, and I’ve been dying for you to touch me but then I spiral thinking we haven’t even had sex and—”
“I seem to remember you sucking my dick pretty enthusiastically not long ago.”
“You know that’s not what I mean,” he replies, and I sit forward, my knee sliding along the inside of his thigh. “Stop distracting me,” he hisses, trying—and failing—to move away from me.
“I’m making a point.”
“Yeah? What’s that?”
“I like this. You and me. I’ve done games, Tanner. I’ve done relationships and hookups and I’ve done only my right hand. I’m happy with the way things are, and I’m also happy to explore things with you—but sex isn’t just penetration.”
Desire mars his handsome face, the warm color of his eyes glinting in the low light.
“It’s frustrating,” he admits. “I want you and I want more—especially after not seeing you, and so logically, it shouldn’t be a problem.
But I’m fucking keyed up and needy and I hate feeling insecure for no damn reason other than I’m exhausted and missed you. ”
“None of that is a problem,” I tell him firmly, my eyebrows slashing down. “You don’t think I’ve missed you too? That I haven’t been aching to touch you and relieve so much of the stress I know you’ve been carrying?”
“Can you stop being so supportive for a second?”
“No.”
“Deacon, I’m serious.”
“So am I, and I think you’re putting unrealistic expectations on yourself because you think that’s what I want but I just want you.
Wherever you are, that’s where I’ll meet you.
It’s been a hell of a week so yeah, emotions are high, but that’s life, Tanner.
It’s not a deal-breaker. Trust me, there are plenty of other ways I plan on getting you off. ”
He leans back in the booth, his shoulders slumping as a sad smile crosses his lips. “It’s a special kind of torture craving that intimacy but not being ready to have it. I want to feel you inside me—I know that.”
“And now I do too.” I wink, humbled he was willing to share that with me. It’s the first time he’s actually said the words. “But there’s still no rush.”
“I appreciate that. And I wasn’t worried, but then I saw that guy and I…”
Leaning forward, I take his hand in mine, threading our fingers together. “He doesn’t matter.”
“Still don’t want him touching you.”
“I think you took care of that when you mauled me by the bar.”
“I did not.”
“You did, and I fucking loved you claiming me like that.”
He blushes. “But…”
“What’s so wrong with goin’ slow and savoring all the moments leading up to it? I’ve had my mouth and hands all over you. Are you saying you don’t enjoy it?”
“You know I do,” he mouths, his eyes widening as he looks around to see if anyone is listening. They’re not, but that’s not really the point.
“Then I need to know if you trust me.” When he opens his mouth, I keep talking. “Not just in bed but here. Do you trust me when you’re not here?”
“Yes.”
“I need you to be sure, Tanner.”
“I am. Tonight just caught me off guard.”
“I think it’s normal, expected even. I just want to make sure you know if anyone approaches me, the only thing I’ll be is polite. That part of my life is and has been done since I met you.”
“Thank you.” He blows out a breath. “I know. I guess I just needed to hear it.”
“Want to know what I think?”
“What’s that?”
“I think we should go back to my place so I can make absolutely sure you know how I feel about you.”
He debates for barely a second before throwing back the rest of his beer and slamming the glass to the table. “Let’s go.”
TANNER
TANNER: I met Deacon at the bar last night and there was a guy talking to him—someone he used to hook up with
SORREN: If you’re looking for your levelheaded friend for this, it’s not me
TANNER: Nothing happened, the guy walked away but even just seeing him talking to Deacon made me jealous
SORREN: Am I fighting someone or not?
I chuff out a laugh because I know he’s not joking, and honestly, this is the level of support I need.
TANNER: I guess I just want to know if it’s normal
SORREN: To feel jealous?
TANNER: Yeah
SORREN: It’s normal but it depends how you handle it. If he’s not doing anything wrong then you need to deal with your insecurities
SORREN: If he’s messing around on you then I’ll deal with it
TANNER: He’s not
SORREN: I never get to have any fun anymore
TANNER: You put a hole in the sheetrock
SORREN: Worked, didn’t it?
TANNER: Maybe I shouldn’t have come to you for this…
SORREN: First, I told you that. Second, I give great advice. The problem is no one ever takes it.
SORREN: What’s really the issue in all this?
TANNER: I was never jealous over someone looking at Fallon
SORREN: You need to stop comparing her to everything
TANNER: She’s the only other major relationship I have to work with
SORREN: But your time with her was different. It wasn’t built on blinding, break things with your bare hands passion
SORREN: I almost knocked Colt Harrington out in that parking lot just for standing too close to Rhea
TANNER: That’s probably not a good example
I want to laugh, but he’s not kidding about almost punching the shortstop of the Illinois Blues.
I remember him sharing that little tidbit at work.
The date had been platonic—just friends—but Sorren didn’t know that at the time and I’m not sure it would have changed anything if he had.
Sorren didn’t care about their just friends label when Rhea was his endgame.
Another man took his girl out for dinner, and Sorren tore through the town until he found her.
SORREN: It’s a great example of restraint and me dealing with my insecurities
SORREN: But I also got my girl
TANNER: She was pissed
SORREN: Pissed I can handle, but losing her is something I never would have recovered from
SORREN: It’s okay that things with Deacon feel big—allegedly it’s normal. Love is messy and every time you’ve pushed him away, he’s come back swinging
TANNER: Until he didn’t
SORREN: Ah, but you recognized how much that sucked and what you’d be losing letting him go
SORREN: I don’t make you do all the media and interview shit because I hate it—I make you do it because you’re the best fucking person for the job
SORREN: So I guess the real question is if we’re talking about loving Deacon—are you the best person for the job?
TANNER: I didn’t say anything about loving him
Even as I type out the words, I can’t help the way my heart hammers in my chest at the idea that I could be in love with Deacon. I’d never even considered finding love again after Fallon, but now…
SORREN: You didn’t have to
TANNER: This escalated quickly
SORREN: It escalated the right amount
TANNER: But do you think he feels the same?
SORREN: Dunno but love is wild and you just need to commit to letting yourself fall
Well, shit.