44. Deacon
DEACON
“Thanks for bein’ there for Briggs tonight.”
“I was worried I overstepped.”
“No such thing in this family, brother.” He grins but it falls just as fast as it appears.
“Fallon and I have been waiting for Briggs to make the decision on his own. She tries to call them and keep communication open, but they’re never the ones to initiate it and Briggs’s smile is never as bright when the conversation ends. ”
“That’s hard.”
“It is but we didn’t want to force his hand if he wanted a relationship with Tanner’s parents.”
“And Tanner?”
“How do you tell a guy who’s been through as much as he has that he’d be better off cutting contact with the only other blood relatives he has?”
It’s a fair question and one I don’t have the answer to. I just wish Tanner wasn’t hurting. I wish Briggs hadn’t felt the need to carry his own guilt concerning his grandparents.
“Maybe if Tanner hears how Briggs is feeling, it’ll be enough to cut ties or at least put up some concrete boundaries with them.”
“Do you love him?” Otto asks, the question honest and forward but not entirely unexpected.
“I do.”
Otto hides his smile, his gaze searching out across the field and I wait, letting the silence settle between us.
“In my entire life, he’s the person who has challenged me the most,” he says, the words unexpected.
“I wanted to hate him, you know? He stole my girl and I wanted to hate him. Because it took six years for Fallon to come back. But when she did, she had Briggs and I fell so hard for that kid. I knew I couldn’t hate Tanner because I couldn’t hurt his son. ”
“He’s a great kid.”
“He is.” He smiles wistfully. “And then I met Tanner and I still didn’t want to like him. I wanted to piss in a circle around Fallon and yell from the rooftops that I deserved her.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because Tanner is one of the best men I know. He’s selfless and I’ve watched him fight like hell to figure out who he is and what he wants in this life. I’ve seen the way he holds himself back and the way he’s denied himself the permission to live.”
I swallow hard, that last line striking a chord inside me because it’s true—it’s so damn true it hurts.
“He’s trying.”
“I know, but there’s a piece of me that still feels so damn guilty. I didn’t break their marriage up, and Fallon and I had a rocky start, but every day I’m so damn happy. I have everything I’ve ever wanted.”
“Not many people can say that. It’s a hell of an honor.”
“It is and I don’t take it for granted.” He pauses, his gaze off in the field again as he licks his lips. “But sometimes it’s hard being so happy knowing I took that from him.”
“You didn’t.”
“I know. And that’s why I said he’s my biggest challenge. Because how do I thank someone for giving me everything I’ve ever wanted, for sharing his kid with me, while he’s left starting over, trying to figure out where he fits.”
I have to swallow back the emotion to speak. “He fits with me.”
“Be good to him. Be so damn good because he deserves it. He deserves so much.”
“He knows you love him.”
“I do. I mean how could I not? I bulldozed into his life, sure, but he could have told me to fuck off. And he didn’t.
He let me be a part of their world and not just on the periphery.
We make decisions together as a family concerning Briggs, and he loves the kids I have with Fallon like his own.
I just want him to see that he’s entitled to all of it too. ”
I open my mouth and then close it, something about that last part striking a nerve deep inside me and…son of a bitch.
There’s no way to confirm it right now, but I’d bet my last dollar that Tanner heard me talking to Jude—heard Jude say I’ve always wanted to be a father.
“I just want him to see that he’s entitled to all of it too.”
“I thought I was going to have to walk home,” Tanner calls, stepping out onto the porch, his expression exhausted.
My home is wherever he is, and I plan on making sure he knows it.
Tonight.
“You two kids get out of here. I still have to eat my pie and then hide part of Sorren’s so I can blame it on Case.”
“You’re a child.” Tanner sighs but Otto beams as he climbs the porch and pulls Tanner into his side.
“Yeah, but you agreed to take me on Tuesdays and Thursdays and every other weekend.”
“Says who?”
“The state of Tennessee when I married Fallon. Bonus Dad, Bonus Kid—same thing. Besides, you know she threatens to send me to your house at least once a week anyway when I can’t find something and make her crazy because it’s where she told me it was…”
Tanner snickers and Otto releases him before heading for the door. “Night, Deacon, and thanks.”
“Sure.”
With a small wave, Otto closes the sliding door, leaving Tanner and me alone in the cool November air.
“What was that all about?” he asks, coming to stand in front of me, his warm hands seeping through the thin fabric of my shirt and sending a shiver down my spine.
“He just wanted to make sure I’m good to you.”
“You’re more than good to me,” Tanner says, sliding his palms up my chest. “I fear I haven’t been as good to you as I should be.”
“What does that mean?”
“Can we go back to my house? I don’t want to have this conversation here.”
“Yeah, Sweetheart. I’m all yours.”