Chapter 8
sarah
Heat radiates off the glass walls of the greenhouse, carrying the fragrance of rosemary, mint, basil, and flowers I don’t know by name but recognize by memory.
The scents of summer even in March.
The lights glow warm in the glasshouse, throwing golden halos across the rows of herbs and blossoms Mav coaxes from the soil with a patience only a farmer could have. Beyond the glass, the canyon is swallowed in darkness.
Joy insisted we come here, refusing to let Hunt drop me off at my place so I could crawl under the covers and shut out the day.
She wore her bossy smile—the one I’m starting to recognize—the kind that says, Resistance is futile.
Aria pours whiskey into small tumblers, handing one to Joy before sliding into a wicker armchair with one for herself. “Does it bother you if we drink?”
“Not at all.”
“Should I get you something else?”
I shake my head. I’m fine. I don’t need a drink of any kind.
I just need…yeah, Sarah, what do you need? Peace. Love. Erasure of the past. Happiness. Love. Cade…?
“Why don’t you drink alcohol, Sarah?” Joy asks placidly.
I lick my lips. The words dry up in my throat. I don’t talk about what happened, at least not outside a therapist’s office, anymore. The last time I tried, my so-called friends turned their backs, accused me of lying, of wanting what Landon did to me.
“You don’t have to answer Miss Nosy here.” Aria takes a long pull of the whiskey.
We sit warm and tucked away at one end of the greenhouse, where Mav has created a cozy seating nook: four wicker armchairs, a low coffee table, and Navajo blankets thrown across the backs of the chairs.
It is designed to be a place of rest, with the scent of lavender drifting in from one side and, through the glass on the other, the mountains loom quiet and eternal.
“I…it’s…I…,” I sigh, feeling weak instead of strong.
My therapist warned me about this—that coming back to Wildflower Canyon could make me regress, make me at times feel like the girl I used to be instead of the woman I’ve worked so hard to become.
Joy’s smile is soft. “You know I used to live in New York. Came here a few years ago.”
Aria gives her friend a concerned look. There’s some history here because of the tension. As my therapist says, where hysteria is historical, if you’re having a strong response to something, it’s not merely external, it’s coming from somewhere inside of you.
“I…haven’t talked about this with anyone, not even Mav, and I tell him everything. Well, most everything.” Joy downs her whiskey and sets the empty glass down. “I ran from New York because I stopped feeling safe. I was dating. Nice guy. Nice family. You know, no red flags.”
I close my eyes. I don’t know if I want to hear her story. I know what’s coming.
“Well, one night…he suggests that we have a threesome. I say, hell no.” Joy releases a long breath. “Then, a week later…he drugs me.”
Aria gasps. “Oh, Joy.”
My heart folds in on itself.
Joy lets out a long breath, shaking her head slowly.
“Nothing happened…. Well, I was drugged. He was going to invite his friend over and they were….” She looks me in the eyes and holds my gaze.
“But he didn’t drug me well enough. I woke up while he was talking to his friend on the phone.
I heard every word. I snuck out and stayed away.
Next thing I know, the son of a bitch is stalking me, bullying me, saying we should get back together.
I knew if I told Mav, he’d kill the prick.
And in any case, I wanted to come home. I wanted to feel safe.
And so, I did. I healed. I date now.” She smiles. “I flirt with Hunt.”
“Because he makes you feel safe,” Aria says kindly.
“Yeah, he does,” Joy agrees. “I ran away, Sarah. Do you think I was weak?”
“No,” I cry out. “You were…brave. You are brave. Look at you. You’re living your life to the fullest and—”
“No…I’m not,” she throws in, a determined look on her face. “This is the first time I’ve talked about it. But you? I know you went to the police. You told your boyfriend. You told your father. They didn’t believe you.”
I look at her in surprise. How does she know all this?
Aria stands up and holds out a hand to Joy. “First things first.”
Joy does what she asks, though she looks perplexed. Aria hugs her. “I’m so, so, so happy that you’re safe.”
Joy laughs and tightens her hold around her future sister-in-law. “Me, too, Aria.”
I look at them with a degree of envy. How easy they are with one another. So close. So….
Fuck it!
I pick up the bottle of whiskey and fill the third glass that is sitting empty. I take a sip. It burns in the best way.
Both women look at me in surprise. “I don’t drink in public. I drink only when I’m alone and safe. My poison of choice is scotch. And this is good.”
“Mav saves the good stuff for family.” Joy settles back into her armchair. “Guess that makes us family now.”
I laugh softly at that. Not harshly, not self-deprecatingly, but with a degree of joy. I haven’t had a family since Aunt Gemma. And I never let her close enough, not after what happened….
They wait for me to tell them my story, and I know that even if I don’t, they won’t judge me. But Joy opened her heart to me, giving me the courage.
I stare into the golden liquid in my glass, wishing it could swallow me whole. My throat feels tight.
“I was nineteen,” I say finally, my voice rough. “Cade and I…we were so in love. We thought we were forever. One night…I was at Cade’s place, in his room, studying. They’d had a barbecue. He was out with his father to do some ranch stuff.”
I swallow hard. My hand shakes, so I set the glass down on the table.
“He”—I clear my throat—"asked if I’d like a drink. I said no. But he insisted. I wanted to be cool, so I drank the vodka.” I now look at Joy, pain in my eyes. “I had no fear. This was Landon. He was Cade’s brother. His role model.”
I drop my face in my hands for a long moment.
Then, when I feel I can, I continue, “He asked me if I was attracted to him. My head was spinning—too much too fast, and I wasn’t used to it.
I said, ‘No, I love Cade.’ He…kissed me.
I pushed him away. I slapped him, hard. He got angry and…
.” I wait for the storm to pass. “He put his hand over my mouth and tore my panties away. He pushed himself inside me.” I sob, and immediately, Aria and Joy are by my side, holding me. “He hurt me so badly. So….”
“I know. I know he did,” Aria whispers as she strokes my hair.
The rest pours out of me. How I ran home and told my father, but by then, Landon had already told Cade that I came on to him, and we had sex. I loved Cade with my whole heart. I’d been so sure he’d protect me, care for me….
I remember how then, like now, Cade’s eyes burned, not with love but with disgust.
I grip the railing of our porch, trying to steady myself.
“Did you sleep with my brother and call it rape?”
“No, Cade. Landon did—”
“Tell me the truth, Sarah,” he shouts, his voice shaking. “Did you come on to Landon? Did you want him?”
“No,” I whisper, desperate, hot tears streaking down my cheeks. I’m still hurting between my legs. I’m still bleeding. I want Cade to hold me and make it all better, not tear me down like this. “I don’t want him…I love you; I only want you. He forced—”
“So, you’re just going to lie to my face? He told me everything, Sarah. He said you’ve been after him for months, throwing yourself at him while I wasn’t looking. And now you come to me crying, trying to ruin his life?”
I gape at him. He knows me, and yet he thinks I’m capable of something like that? He shakes his head, slow, like he’s more disappointed than angry, and he’s plenty pissed off.
“Cade, on my mother’s grave, Landon raped me. He raped me and….” And can’t you see that you’re doing it again by not listening to me.
He flinches, like I’ve slapped him—his mouth twists.
“You think anyone’s gonna believe you? You were drunk, Sarah. You spread your legs for him, and now you regret it, so you blame him.” His voice is sharp, each word a whip crack. “You’re nothing but a slut.”
“Don’t say that, Cade. Please.”
“I reached for him, sobbing, begging.” My shoulders slump.
I feel exhausted, as if I ripped open the wounds that have never really healed.
“He shook me off like I was something filthy. Then he stormed off that porch, leaving me standing there with my heart in pieces and the whole town ready to grind me into dust.”
Joy grips my hand fiercely.
Aria’s voice is steel and sorrow all at once. “Sons of bitches, all of them. And even now, Cade walks around like you wronged him?”
Joy’s eyes darken. “What a douchebag!”
I bob my head in agreement. “No shit! I thought Cade would believe me. He was my safe place. My first. My only. But when I told him, he just…stared at me like I was dirt under his boot. He’d decided to believe Landon even before he talked to me.”
Now that the floodgates are open, I spill everything.
I tell them how my own father didn’t believe me. He said I’d embarrassed him, ruined our name. He called me a liar to my face.
How the deputy told me to stop lying and to not to stir up trouble. There was no hospital, no rape kit, nothing. Just whispers that grew louder every day until I couldn’t walk down Main Street without hearing them.
“I left because I had no choice,” I murmur. “If I stayed, I wouldn’t have survived…Cade’s hatred or the shame that felt like it lived under my skin.”
Joy’s eyes shimmer with unshed tears. “I don’t know how you carried that alone. You’re stronger than anyone I know.”
Aria cups my face. “Listen to me, Sarah. This wasn’t and isn’t your shame. It’s theirs. Landon’s. And Cade’s. And this town’s for swallowing the lie. But not yours.”
“I know. That’s why I came back,” I admit.