Chapter Twenty
Charlie
Icouldn't seem to absorb Aiden's news. Gage was missing. I didn't know a lot about what Gage did, but he'd been a Ranger before he'd drifted into doing things for the Army he couldn't talk about, and I knew there were few people on the planet better trained than he was.
If he was missing, he was probably dead.
My heart and mind refused to accept that.
Not Gage.
Growing up, Vance had teased me, tormented me, and played with me. Jacob had pretended not to have time for me, but secretly, he doted on me, tucking me into bed when my mom was distracted with the other kids and braiding my hair in the mornings before school.
Before our parents died, Aiden had been too busy to bother with me. He'd been an adult to my child, and both he and Gage had treated me with absent affection.
I knew they loved me, they just weren't around much to show it. In my child's mind, they'd both been larger-than-life, tall and strong and smart.
Invincible.
The idea that something could happen to either of them . . . I couldn't force it to make sense.
You'd think after losing so much of my family, I would see death around every corner. I never felt that way, though. What happened to my parents, aunt and uncle had been so shocking, so outside the norm, that it had never felt as if those deaths could bleed into the rest of my life.
Since my mom and dad died, Aiden had stepped up, doing his best to take their place, his natural authority shielding me, buffering me from more loss.
Tonight, when he'd told us about Gage, I'd finally seen him.
Really seen him.
The deep line between his eyebrows. The shadows under his eyes. His cheeks looked gaunt, as if he'd lost weight. I'd never understood the cost of watching over us all, never seen how it weighed on him.
Pulling out my phone as Lucas drove us back to the Highlands, I pulled up Aiden's number in the messaging app and tapped out,
I love you
That was all I had to say.
I loved him and I was sorry he'd had to tell us about Gage. Sorry he had to carry so much on his shoulders.
I let out a sigh. Lucas had been weird when we were at Winters House. Stiff and uncomfortable. For someone who had command of every situation I'd seen him in, seeing Lucas out of step and offbeat unnerved me.
Did he dislike my family?
It's not that I thought we were perfect, but we weren't bad. We complained about each other all the time, but every family did that.
I couldn't remember anyone being rude or saying anything awkward. Except the whole thing about the benefit. I knew I should've talked to him about it earlier. I just couldn't figure out what to say.
I had no problem stripping naked for Lucas, no issues being vulnerable with him when we were in bed, but when it came to something as basic as asking him to go to a party with me, I completely folded.
Where was my courage? I never had a problem asking for what I wanted. I had issues, but low self-esteem wasn't one of them.
Had I been afraid he'd turn me down?
Stupid question.
Of course I had. We didn't date. We had sex. That was it.
Except it wasn't. It hadn't been just sex for a long time. Not since Lucas had spent the night after my stalker jumped me.
We ate together. We were living together. This last month with Lucas had been the best relationship of my life and it wasn't even a relationship.
Now, he was going to the benefit with me, but I wasn't sure if he was going as my date or as my bodyguard. Had he hesitated because he didn't want to go? Because he didn't want to lead me on?
Or was he mad I hadn't asked him myself?
You could talk to him, my good sense suggested.
Or I could avoid the subject and hope it worked itself out.
While I knew option number two was stupid and immature, it was my first choice.
Maybe if I talked to Lucas about all of this, we'd discover that we both really liked being together and were willing to take the risk and turn this into something more.
Or he'd give me a pitying look and explain that he'd been clear with me since the beginning, we were just having fun, and he should've known better than to expect me to handle it like an adult.
I could see that conversation way too clearly, hear it play out in my head.
I wasn't going there.
I wasn't ready yet.
I didn't think I'd ever be ready for Lucas to dump me.
Eventually, we'd catch Hayward in the act, this would all be over, and Lucas would leave.
I wasn't ready now, and I wouldn't be ready then.
We pulled into Lucas's driveway and he parked his truck. I couldn't help a quick glance at the front of my house. The graffiti was gone, hastily covered with a few coats of primer. Lucas or Aiden had taken care of it, and I was grateful.
It wasn't the words spray-painted on the house so much as the aggressive violence of the act itself, the gleeful destruction of something I loved. Now it was erased, the porch light was on, and all was quiet.
After all the time I'd spent wondering why Lucas never asked me to his house, I would've thought I'd be more excited to move in with him.
I wasn't. I wanted everything to go back to the way it was. Staying with Lucas wasn't a progression in our relationship. I wasn't there because he'd decided to let me in.
It was a Band-Aid.
A quick fix.
Just a way to keep me safe.
I didn't intend to speak, but I heard myself say, "If you don't want me to stay in your house, we can always go to a hotel or something."
Lucas went still. His eyes landed on my face, one eyebrow raised. I couldn't decide if he was confused or annoyed.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
Wishing I'd never said a thing, I shrugged helplessly and said, "Well, I mean, I've never even been inside your house until today. It seemed pretty clear you wanted to keep that distance, and that's okay. I get it. So I'm just saying if you're not good with it, we can go stay somewhere else."
The words spilled out of me, pushing through my defenses, leaving me cold and vulnerable.
Afraid he would see all of the hope I'd been storing in my heart, I refused to meet his eyes.
Finally, he said, "It's fine, don't worry about it. It's not a big deal."
I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. Not exactly the enthusiastic response I was looking for.
This is why we weren't having that conversation about our relationship. Lucas was smart. Lucas was hella smart. He could play at being a dumb guy, but I knew better.
He was well aware he'd never let me across the property line, much less inside his house. We both knew the only reason was because he thought I was in danger.
He didn't really want me there. If I had any pride, I'd go right back to Winters House by myself and let this thing end.
Curiously, I found I had very little pride when it came to Lucas Jackson.
I let Lucas shepherd me into the house, aware he was scanning our surroundings with sharp eyes, his first thought keeping me safe.
I waited for him to shut and lock the door behind us. The second he turned to face me, I jumped him.
I was tired of thinking. After the news about Gage and the weirdness about the benefit and staying in his house, I was done thinking about my feelings, tired of obsessing about my fears and hopes.
I was done thinking at all. I just wanted to feel good.
Lucas had my heart turned inside out, but he was always reliable when it came to my body.
It didn't take much. My hands pulling his face down to mine, my lips against his, his tongue sliding into my mouth.
He caught me as I jumped, closing his hands over my ass, supporting my weight as I wrapped my legs around his waist.
I didn't notice anything about his house as he carried me down the hallway to his bedroom. Everything inside me was focused on Lucas.
I kissed him with frantic desperation, trying to memorize his taste, his smell, the feel of his skin under my fingertips. Ever since we'd argued at the dealership that morning, I'd had the sense things were slipping away, sliding out of my control.
I was losing something I didn't even have. I didn't know how to save it, how to get it back. I only knew that the heart of it was Lucas and I wanted him. I wanted to absorb everything Lucas, to memorize him so I'd have something to remember when he was gone.
He dropped me onto his bed. I tore at his T-shirt. Yanking it over his head, I smoothed my palms down his chest, sinking my nails into his shoulders as I pulled him down on top of me.
I was already working on the button of his pants when he unsnapped mine and shoved them down over my hips.
I wanted us naked.
I wanted nothing between Lucas and me.
I needed him.
All of him.
My knees splayed wide, so wide the stretch of it almost hurt as he settled between them, the head of his cock at the gate of my pussy.
I was ready and wet, my body soft and eager for him. I was always ready for Lucas. I always wanted him. I thought maybe I always would.
Feeling the way he sank inside me, the way he filled me, I couldn't imagine ever wanting to stop.
I clamped my knees to his sides, angling my hips up to take more. Lucas and I had sex almost every way we could—fast and hard, slow and sensual, against a wall, on the floor. I loved it all. Lucas had patience. Even when he was in the mood for fast, he was under control.
Not this time. I had a heartbeat of time to adjust to the sweet stretch of his cock inside me before he thrust his hips hard, filling me, fucking me fast. Just over the edge of rough, he slammed into me over and over, grinding into my clit, driving me higher until I was panting beneath him.
I held onto his shoulders, pleasure blanking out my brain. The first orgasm was a slap, taking me under in a tsunami of bliss that hit out of nowhere. Lucas didn't stop, didn't even slow down.
Blinded by sensation, I reached up to kiss him. At the touch of my lips, he went wild, claiming my mouth in a kiss as rough as his fucking. Low growling sounds rumbled in his chest, the possession of his lips and his loss of control sending me flying over the edge again.