Chapter Twenty-Two #2
Moving stiffly, every step careful and controlled, I dropped the sheet, peeled off the stockings I was still wearing, and got in the shower.
Numb, I barely registered the hot water.
I ignored the shampoo and bottle of body wash.
The last thing I needed was to smell like Lucas all day.
Instead, I scrubbed at my skin with my hands, then at my scalp with my fingertips, rubbing so hard it hurt.
When I felt clean, I turned off the water, roughly dried off, and found clothes in my duffel. Lucas had packed everything in neat piles, careful and precise. My eyes prickled. I blinked hard.
No, not yet.
Hefting the bag on one arm, I picked up my ballgown and the bag of toiletries. I could have used the contents in the shower or to brush my teeth. I didn't care. My brain felt wrapped in a blanket, my thoughts sluggish. I just wanted to go home.
Not the house next door. Home. Picking up my tiny purse from the night before, I left, shutting the door behind me. I tossed my stuff in the passenger seat of my truck and got in. Before I left, I texted Lucas.
I'm out.
He wouldn't text back. I knew he wouldn't. Still, I kept looking at my phone in my lap as I drove, the dark screen a reminder that Lucas wasn't coming back. Not really. Not for me.
Aiden opened the door while I was still on the front steps. He took one look at my face and said, "I have something for you."
I followed him to his office.
"Sit." He pointed to the long leather couch beneath the window. I sat.
Aiden poured a healthy slosh of whiskey into the remaining glass from his Macallan set and carried it to me.
"Are you planning to return the decanter and the other glass?" he asked. I took the whiskey and gave him a blank look. The decanter? "Please tell me you didn't smash it in a fit of rage. It cost as much as the whiskey."
"I didn't smash it," I said in a thick, low voice. "I'll give it back."
"Sweetheart," Aiden said in a whisper, sitting down beside me. He took the glass from my hand, helped himself, and handed it back. "Drink."
I took a single sip.
"Drink it all."
I did, my throat burning, the smoky taste tickling my nose and bringing tears to my eyes. When the glass was empty, Aiden took it and set it on the side table.
"Tell me," he ordered.
I shook my head.
I couldn't. I couldn't tell him. If I opened my mouth and admitted what had happened, it would be real. I wasn't ready for it to be real.
Aiden's arm came around me and he tugged me into his side. My head hit his chest. I tried to breathe, but my lungs were too tight. I heard a low wail and realized it was coming from me.
"Oh, Charlie. My sweet girl." Aiden rested his cheek on the top of my head. "Is this about Jackson?"
I nodded into his shirt.
"Did you break up?" Aiden asked in a gentle voice.
I nodded again. My cheeks were wet. I realized I was crying. I'd cried more in the last month than I had in the last decade.
I wanted everything to go back to how it was before. My body shook in Aiden's arms as great, wracking sobs took me.
I wanted my job back, wanted to work until I was exhausted and forget about dating, about sex. About Lucas. I wanted my boring, stress-filled life to go back to what it was before.
Before I'd bought that house.
Before I'd ever seen Lucas Jackson mowing the lawn with his shirt off.
Before I'd fallen hopelessly in love with him.
Before he'd broken my heart.
Aiden let me cry all over him, his strong arms holding me safe. I'd felt safe with Lucas, but that safety had been a lie. Lucas had torn it away when he was done with me.
"I was so stupid," I stuttered out, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand. "We said it was just for fun. I wasn't going to get attached."
"You can't choose who you love," Aiden said. "Sometimes it happens when you don't see it coming."
"I didn't think . . . I just . . . he was hot. And—"
"I don't need any details," Aiden cut in, smothering a laugh. My chest hitched somewhere between a giggle and a sob.
"I wasn't going to give you any," I said.
"I was just going to say that it started like that, but then it changed.
I liked being with him." I let out a gusty sigh, wiping at my cheeks again.
"I just liked being with him. He's a good man.
Smart. Gentle. He made me feel safe. And happy. I was happy with him."
"What happened?" Aiden asked in a soft voice.
"I don't know," I wailed into Aiden's shirt. "I think it was that stupid benefit. I didn't ask him, and then he said he'd go but I don't think he wanted to. And then he was weird when we were there. Quiet. Harrison asked me to dance, and while I was gone—"
"What the fuck did Harrison want?" Aiden growled.
"He wants to get back together."
"I'll fucking kill him."
I couldn't help a little giggle. "You'd better watch your own back, big brother. Elizabeth was with Lucas while I danced with Harrison. She said she'd keep quiet about who Lucas was if I didn't get in the way of you two being together."
"She said what?"
This time I didn't giggle. I laughed full out. If I'd had a tiny, secret worry that Aiden would fall for Elizabeth's tricks, it was extinguished. His irritated outrage was genuine.
"She thinks that you're vulnerable now that I've moved out."
"Right. Like your living here was the big obstacle keeping us from getting back together."
"You mean instead of her being evil?"
"Yeah. God, she's a bitch." Aiden's arm tightened, and he laid a kiss on the top of my head. "I'm sorry about Elizabeth. I never should have married her. I thought you needed a mom, and it was time for me to find a wife. I fucked up."
"Aiden," I said. He brushed my hair back off my face.
"No, don't. Don't make excuses for me. I fucked up. She made us both miserable and I'm sorry."
"I forgive you," I said immediately. As far as I was concerned, Aiden didn't need my forgiveness, but I'd give it in a heartbeat if it would make him feel better.
"Did Jackson say anything to her?" Aiden asked.
"No. He dragged me out right when I was about to punch her. Then he said my friends were a pit of vipers. We got home and he, um, we went to sleep. When I woke up, he was packing to leave. He already had my stuff by the door. He said he'd see me around."
My breath caught and I started crying again, burrowing into my big brother, borrowing his strength. Mine had carried me home, deserting me now that Aiden was here to hold me together.
My voice a raw whisper, I said, "Why am I so bad at this, Aid? Why can't I find someone? I thought . . . I thought he felt it too."
My breath flooded out in a long, defeated sigh, leaving me feeling empty, compressed, my heart flat and dark.
"It's not you, sweetheart. I promise, it's not you. And if he doesn't feel it, it's him missing out. He's missing out on the best woman I know. And he's not nearly as smart as I thought he was."
"Do you think if Mom was still alive it would be better? I wonder sometimes . . ." I trailed off. Aiden let out a sigh of his own.
"I don't know, Charlie. I wonder that about Dad all the time. Would I have made the same mistakes? Or different ones? Would he be proud of me?"
"You know he would, Aiden. How could he not?"
"I haven't done the best job holding us together," Aiden said. "Annalise is gone, roaming the world, too scared to come home. We almost lost Vance. Gage is missing—"
Aiden's voice choked in his throat and he stopped talking. I wrapped my arm around his broad chest and squeezed. He and Gage had been two peas in a pod growing up, inseparable, their dark heads always together, plotting and planning.
Aiden missed him, and now he felt guilty that Gage might never come home. I got up and grabbed the empty whiskey glass from the side table, filling it from the bottle on Aiden's small wet bar.
"Drink," I said, handing him the glass.
"It's a little early for that," he said, taking it.
"Just drink it." I sat back down beside him, leaning into his side, my head on his shoulder. "You know you're not responsible for all of us, right?"
He finished the drink and set the empty glass down. Shaking his head at me, he said, "Of course I am."
"But this stuff isn't your fault. None of it. You did your best after everything. You made us all go to counseling. You were only twenty, Aiden. What else were you supposed to do? And Gage left you. He should have stayed. I've been so angry with him for leaving us. And now he might not come home."
Tears welled again and I swiped them away. Aiden exhaled in a gust.
"Me too, Charlie. And now I feel like shit about it. I got it. Got why he left. But it still hurt. I have to believe he's coming home."
"He will," I said, but it felt like a lie. Aiden was silent for a long moment, staring at nothing across the room.
"Did I tell you I like your hair?" he asked, reaching over to tuck a strand behind my ear.
"No. Do you really?"
"I do. You look beautiful. Younger. And I love your new house. Even if it means you're not living here where I can keep an eye on you."
"Hmph." I made a frustrated sound in the back of my throat. "I might not go back."
"Sure you will. But stay here for a day or two. Aunt Amelia and the new nurse are moving in next week. Mrs. Williamson could use your help getting them settled."
"I'll stay for a day or two," I agreed. "If it'll help."
"It would. I'll ask Mrs. Williamson to order us a big breakfast to soak up the whiskey and we can go over the logistics, figure out where we should put them and what we need. I could use a hand."
Aiden pulled out his phone and sent a quick message to Mrs. Williamson about breakfast. Back in the day, the house had a complex system of internal phones and bells.
Now we just texted Mrs. W.
So much easier.
Sliding his phone back into his pocket, he started thinking out loud, running through bedroom options for Aunt Amelia and Sophie.
He was distracting me. Aiden and Mrs. W could have handled an invading army without help. They didn't need me for this.
I was grateful for the excuse to avoid my place for a few days. With Lucas out of my life, I didn't think I could face my empty house, knowing that while he'd be back in Atlanta eventually, he was never coming back to me.