Chapter Thirty-One
Sophie
Iwanted to call Gage back, to beg him to pull me into his arms again, to promise one more time that he could keep me safe. My worst nightmare had come to life the moment I saw Anthony at the front door of Winters House.
Worse than the beatings.
Worse than the fear that he’d kill me in a fit of rage and bury my body in the woods.
I'd had two years of freedom. I'd found love. I was happy. And then suddenly he was there, telling me to come home with him in that calm, icy voice I knew too well.
I felt that voice deep inside, freezing me, chilling my heart and stealing it from Gage. I couldn't love Gage. I couldn't be with him. He deserved so much better than a woman who had married a monster.
A woman who had stayed with that monster after he’d unmasked himself.
I thought I'd forgiven myself for that. Maybe I did forgive myself, but I was still a frightened, broken thing. Anthony had hurt me, and I’d stayed, too weak and afraid to leave him. Afraid he’d kill me. Afraid he’d go too far in his rage and bury me in the cold earth in the woods behind the house.
I should have run. I should have taken the risk. I’d faced pain so many times, but when it came down to it, I was too afraid of dying to reach for freedom.
Gage deserved so much better than a woman paralyzed by fear. He deserved so much better than a shattered mess. One sight of Anthony and I fell to pieces. Gage had survived six months as a prisoner of war. He’d never given up. Gage had escaped.
I’d never asked him how many times he tried to get away, but I'd bet it was more than two. He'd fought for himself. He deserved a woman who could do the same.
Amelia’s gentle strokes on my arm centered me after my endless crying fit. I hated that she’d seen me weeping like a child. I lifted my head from her shoulder and sat up, scrubbing at my face with my palms.
“Drink this,” she said, pushing a teacup into my hands. I sipped lukewarm, overly sweet tea.
Without thinking, I said, “I need to leave. If Anthony's alive, and we're still married, I can't stay here. I can't be with Gage. I have to leave.”
“Don't be foolish,” Amelia said in her best no-nonsense voice. “You need to stay exactly where you are. We’re your family, and this is your home. Gage loves you. I know you love him.”
“He deserves better than me,” I said, needing to get it out, to hear the words spoken aloud and make them real.
“He fell in love with me because I was here and I'm convenient, but he's so much stronger than I am. I’m so scared. All the time. I thought I was getting past it, but one look at Anthony and I fell apart.”
“Sophie,” Amelia said, trying to soothe me. I wasn’t having it.
“No. You don’t understand. He hit me, and I stayed. He beat me and kicked me like a dog, and I stayed. How can I ask Gage to love a woman like that?”
Amelia handed me a cookie and said, “Eat this. You need sugar in your brain. You're not making any sense.”
“I'm making perfect sense,” I snapped back, her brusque manner sparking temper that should have been extinguished by all my tears.
“Rubbish,” she insisted, pushing the cookie into my hand. “Eat. If I can't have it, I don't want to see it go to waste. Perfectly good shortbread. She knows that's my favorite.”
The familiar grumble brought me back to myself a little bit more.
I straightened, taking a bite of the cookie.
Salty, buttery, sweet shortbread melted over my tongue.
I was the only one who knew that Abel baked shortbread because it was Mrs. W's favorite dessert, and he'd been sweet on her for years.
I hadn't yet figured out if she returned his feelings.
At the thought that I might have to leave Winters House without ever knowing, new tears sprung to my eyes. I blinked them back. No more crying. I had to figure out what to do.
I nibbled the rest of the cookie, took a sip of tea, and tried to make sense of my roiling emotions. A part of me wanted to run out of the room and find Gage, to burrow into his strength and love. To let him protect me as he’d promised he would.
I couldn’t. I was still trying to process seeing Gage and Anthony standing almost side by side. They were so different. Anthony's elegant, smooth facade covered the heart of a monster. Gage was so strong, body and mind, his heart loyal and true.
How could a woman who'd chosen the monster deserve the hero?
There was a weakness in me, a weakness had led me to marry Anthony, had convinced me to give in, to stay when I should've kept trying to run.
“Stop it,” Amelia said in a sharp voice.
“What?” I asked.
“Whatever you're thinking, stop it. I can see it in your eyes. You're doing his work for him, you know.”
I stared at her, baffled. “What are you talking about?”
“Your husband. You're doing his work for him. He wants you scared, so you'll do what he says and go back to him. And here you are, convincing yourself that you somehow deserve less because of him. It's not true, and you know better.”
“Amelia,” I said, “It’s not—”
Impatient with my protests, she cut me off. “What would you tell me? If our places were switched, what would you tell me?”
“It's not the same, Amelia. It's complicated.”
“It's always complicated, Sophie. I know you have more backbone than this.”
“Because I won't let you have your cookies?”
“Because you've survived everything he did to you. He used you. He tried to grind you into nothing, and you survived.
I shook my head. The shortbread turned to sawdust in my mouth, and I put the rest down on the tray. “You don't understand. I didn't leave. I stopped fighting, and I didn't leave. I gave up. I was afraid.”
“Bullshit,” Amelia proclaimed in a crisp voice.
“You survived. You've already told me. You tried to leave twice, and the second time he caught you, he almost killed you.
So you decided to survive and then fate handed you a way out.
You underestimate yourself, Sophie. You think that strength is fighting, is kicking and screaming and yelling, or imposing your will on another the way he did to you.
But sometimes strength is in enduring. It's waking up every day and facing the pain, knowing you’ll do it again and again, for as long as you have to.
There are a lot of ways to give up, Sophie.
You didn't choose any of them. You kept yourself alive long enough to escape.”
“If he hadn't died, I'd still be there,” I said, choking a little at the thought. I wanted to believe Amelia was right. I wanted to see myself the way she saw me, as strong and brave.
“Maybe,” she said. “Maybe you would. Maybe you'd still be waiting for that chance.
Or maybe he would've been arrested when they got someone else to testify against those people he worked for.
You don't know. We'll never know what might've happened; you only have what did happen.
And what did happen is that you took a job with us, at Winters House.
And you fell in love with Gage, and he fell in love with you.
There is no way on God's green earth that boy is going to let you leave this house while the man who hurt you is out there. I promise you that.”
“I'm married,” I said, and the words felt heavy in my mouth, sticky with despair. I was married. I was committing adultery with Gage, and I hadn't even known it. I was tied to Anthony, and I'd been dragging him into our bed. I swallowed hard in revulsion at the thought.
“Aiden has an excellent divorce lawyer,” Amelia said, handing me another piece of shortbread. “He needed her to get free of that viper he married.”
“How long does it take to get divorced?” I asked, turning the novel thought over in my mind. Divorce. Anthony was alive, and we were still married, but we didn't have to stay that way.
“I have no idea, but we'll find out.”
I ate the second cookie mechanically, thinking hard. Amelia's voice interrupted, “Do you love him?”
“No!” The denial erupted from my mouth before I had time to think. “No, I don't think I ever loved him, but not now. Not after the first time he hit me.”
Amelia reached out and squeezed my hand. “Not Anthony, silly girl. I meant Gage. Do you love Gage?”
“Oh,” I said, stupidly.
Gage. I didn't have to think about that. The first night we met, he'd scared the heck out of me when he grabbed me in the dark. I remembered the way he’d smelled my neck, and a tiny smile curved my lips. He’d been all raw energy, strung tight, and yet he’d apologized and walked me to my room.
If I hadn't fallen for him that first night, I’d been well on my way after we’d shared that horrible tea.
I was head over heels by the time he kissed me, tasting of chocolate cake and Gage.
So sweet and so strong.
Fierce and gentle.
How could I not love Gage?
“Hmph.” Amelia made a sound of dismissal in the back of her throat and reached for a cookie. Out of reflex, I smacked her hand. She scowled at me and said, “You were so lovestruck, staring into thin air, I figured you wouldn't notice if I snuck a cookie.”
“I always notice when you sneak cookies, Amelia Winters.”
“You are so head over heels in love with him you can't even answer a question when you think about him. How can you possibly consider walking out of this house? You'd tear him apart.”
“He deserves better,” I said again, though every time I repeated them, the words felt a little less true.
“Maybe he does,” Amelia agreed, surprising me.
“Isn't that for him to decide? This isn’t about what he deserves; it's about what he wants.
And he wants you. That boy has suffered through so much already.
I never thought I'd see him happy again, the way he has been with you.
Don't take that away out of some misguided idea that you're doing what's best for him.”
“I—”