~
Hello, gals!
Welcome back to Montana! I’m sorry-not-sorry for bringing you here again. But this trip was a turning point for us in many ways. I’m hoping it will be for you again.
I wonder if the horses we rode are still there. Give Brutus a few extra treats from me if he is. He was quite the character the way he tried to rub me off on that tree. The things he’d do for love. Took me a while to figure he just wanted to walk beside our guide’s horse, Lily.
Speaking of love and guides… Anna! Stay away from the cowboys this time. Not that I can blame you. Girls, that Brody was a thirst trap. Oooh la la. And he took great care of us. But breaking cowboys’ hearts is not the point of this trip. The point is for the two of you to heal your friendship.
Remember the spot Brody took us to on the ride into Yellowstone National Park?
The clearing filled with flowers next to the river where we could see the raw beauty of the mountains and spotted elk?
I wasn’t prepared for how such a place would make me feel so significant and alive. To be so magnificent!
After I got sick, family vacations stopped, as if my parents couldn’t bear the idea of making memories anymore.
But I still remember one trip to the Canadian Rockies when I was six.
Even at that age, the overwhelming splendor of the mountains swelled my heart.
I kept a picture from that trip of my family standing by a lake with the mountains behind us the entire time I was undergoing treatment. My parents promised we’d go back.
We never went back. And I never had the courage to go on my own.
But that day I spent with you in Montana, with the mountains and the river and the flowers, brought back many of those same feelings. And I realized something… with you two by my side, I was brave enough.
I was brave enough to stay alive. I was brave enough to be alive.
What lives most in my mind and heart about Montana are the long conversations we shared.
It was the first time in my life I felt at peace. Talking, laughing, enjoying time with my best friends were the only things that mattered. I didn’t feel like a survivor or a victim. I was free of expectations and limitations.
Have you two talked yet? Like, really talked?
You’ve both accomplished so much since our trip, but while you’re there at Big Sky Dude Ranch, take time to reflect on one thing you’ve never allowed yourself to feel, to want, to pursue.
Take time to remember the friendship we had.
In doing so, I hope you find the same peace you helped me find.
I hope you both find the willingness to be open with each other again.
Now for the details. Anna, I hope you brought your red cowgirl boots. Holly, I hope you remember how to ride. Tomorrow morning, you’ll be going on a breakfast ride. When you stop to eat, find a spot, hopefully as magical as the one from before, and read my next letter. Holly has it this time.
I love you both more than I can put into words. You’ll always be my squad. Please don’t forget me.
xo,
Z.