33. Hettie
Chapter 33
Hettie
T he door shuts behind me with a resounding thud, leaving me and Grass alone in a dark room. Rip’s hurt and disapproval stays with me, long after I leave him. The hurt and pain I caused not only Tallie, but everyone who loves her.
I fucked up.
I fucked up bad.
And the worst part? Thorne has no clue his mate lies cursed in the infirmary bed. He left thinking she would be safe, and in a few short hours, I completely ruined that. He asked me to watch over her, and I ended up being the reason she’s cursed.
He’s never going to forgive me. Rip is never going to forgive me. I don’t think I have any more tears inside me, but they fall freely down my face again.
My body gives out, sinking down the wall and onto the floor. I pull my legs to my chest, hugging my arms tightly around them. Shuddering sobs rack my body, and I can’t stop. Grass whimpers and nudges my arm as if saying, I’m here, and I’m not leaving.
Coming to Mescos was supposed to be my new start. For years, I dragged my family through the pits of hell. It only got worse when my father died because, instead of processing the guilt and grief that comes with losing a loved one, I acted out even more than I did while he was alive. I partied, drank, fucked around to outrun the grief.
It destroyed my family. My beautiful mother turned into a mere ghost of her former self. She did her best to keep me in line, but I’ve always been impulsive. I don’t mean to hurt people, but no matter how good my intentions are, someone always seems to get burned because of me.
I saw this time and time again with my sweet sister. She’s just a kid but had to grow up before her time and be the big sister I wasn’t capable of being.
Leaving is the best thing I have ever done for my family. I gave them the ability to start over. To not have to worry constantly about money, where our next meal would come from, or if I’d make it home that night without winding up in a jail cell.
Basically, I’m used to being the fuck-up.
But I thought things would be different here. I thought I would be different.
Except I hurt people I love once again. And I do love Rip. I’m not sure when that happened, but I have fallen for him completely. He makes me feel safe. Like I can bring some good to the pack.
I guess we were both wrong.
I’m not sure how long I sit on the floor crying. I cry until I finally run out of tears and Grass has fallen asleep at my side. I feel numb, which is a small reprieve from the anxiety and loathing that came in waves before.
I weigh my options on what to do next. I could simply waste away in our bedroom, hoping Rip can fix my mistakes and our enemies won’t attack. Or I can think of someone else other than myself. Fix the mistakes and make sure no more harm comes to my pack.
The answer is easy, and yet there’s nothing easy about what I’m going to do.
I do my best not to wake Grass as I get up and search the room for something to write with. I find a pad of paper and a pencil hidden away in a drawer. For the longest time, I stare down at the blank canvas, willing the words to come. I have so much to say, but I don’t have the words.
Each time I put pen to paper and start writing, I rip it up and try again. My words are that of a desperate woman, sometimes legible and sometimes nothing more than harsh lines of aggression.
After another ten minutes of arguing with myself, I finally settle on my message. It’s short and sweet. Conveys what needs to be conveyed with no excuses. Carefully, I fold it up and scroll Rip’s name on the front of the note. I tuck it away for now before climbing into my empty bed.
It smells like Rip. His piney scent reminds me of home. I steal his pillow and cradle it to my chest. I try not to think that this might be the last time I’m ever this close to him again. I want to imprint his smell on my memory. The way he smiles and his deep laugh.
My heart breaks into a thousand tiny pieces, but my mind is made up. I will atone for my mistakes. I will prove to Rip that Ender was right when he chose me as Rip’s mate. Even if it hurts so damn much.
But right now, I allow myself a couple more hours in my home, pretending Tallie isn’t cursed. Pretending my mate isn’t mad at me. That I don’t have to leave.
And then I fall asleep, dreaming of the life I could have had with Rip.