Chapter 19
Troy
So the muster was going exactly as I expected it to.
Badly.
“Sparky!” I shouted, but the dog didn’t pay me a bit of attention.
He was at the heels of the cattle, nipping them to force them forward.
Trouble was, we needed more dogs, more people, more everything, because the stupid bloody herd decided to go stampeding away from the nice open gate and towards the fence.
“Bronson!” I snapped.
“On it!”
With a rev of his trail bike, he went sailing forward. The sweep of his bike, the sound of the engine, had the cows reconsidering their life decisions and deciding that yes, the open gate was where they needed to head.
“Bloody heatwave…” I muttered, jumping off my bike and slamming the gate shut the moment everyone and everything was through, cutting off any ideas of retreat. “Bloody cows…”
“I thought regular sex was supposed to put you in a better mood, mate.”
Billy grinned as he came to a stop just in front of me.
“He is in a better mood,” Bronson replied drily. “He hasn’t called any of us a fucking idiot yet.”
“Damn fool,” Scotty added, because apparently every single member of my team needed to get in on this.
“Stupid fucking moron that should never have been born.” Billy ticked off every word on his fingers. “Dad should’ve pulled out rather than getting Mum pregnant with us.”
Dad… It was the mention of our father that had my frown deepening, but Billy didn’t know that. He didn’t know anything. Mum had made me promise not to reveal what kind of dickhead sired the lot of us.
“They’re just kids.” She’d gripped my arm hard, despite the fact she was fighting to take the next breath. “Don’t let them know what happened. They’re about to lose their mother. Don’t take their father from them as well.”
Didn’t need to. When I checked, it became clear that my father did little to keep in contact with any of my siblings.
“Enough bullshit,” I snapped. Sparky came and flopped down on the ground before us, panting fast. I picked up his water bowl and filled it up for him, then regarded the lot of them.
“We’re not moving fast enough. This herd should be in the stock containment paddock right now.
” I gestured wildly. “Instead we’ve got several more fields to cross before we get them anywhere near it. ”
“Ahh, Troy…” Billy said.
“No, Billy.” For just a moment, I stood there, hands on my hips, feeling the sweat rolling down my spine. I was hot, tired and we had so much more to do and that had me fraying at the edges. “Everyone needs to get their shit together now or…”
My mind wanted to go there. Over and over I dreamed of the farm going up in flames, the sounds of screams, human and animal alike, still ringing in my head when I woke up with a start. I changed tact abruptly.
“You need to stop fucking around.” I stared each man down. “We all need to stop fucking around. Unless you want to be out here when the fire hits…” I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry. “Then we need to get our shit together.”
“I thought—” Bronson started to say.
“Popping wheelies and all the bullshit is for after the heat wave is over, not now.” Billy’s jaw tightened, and I knew that mulish expression. It was a mirror of my own, I’m sure of it. “Focus on the job at hand or…”
I wanted to say fuck off, but we didn’t have that luxury.
“We’ve gotta keep the herd in a tighter formation,” I continued. “Don’t be scared of the cows. They’re just animals. Animals that need directing or they’ll take it in their heads to throw themselves into a gully or whatever. For fuck’s sake, everyone needs to get in close and keep ‘em moving.”
“Yes, boss,” Scotty said with a sharp nod.
“Bronson.” My brother crossed his arms and smiled as he propped himself against his trail bike. Bloody hell, sometimes I couldn’t tell him from Billy and now was one of those times. “Read the herd better.”
“Not asking me to do that…” Billy muttered.
“If you’re watching, really watching, you’ll see subtle signs that one or two beasts are thinking about veering off.
Your eyes need to be on them the entire fucking time.
Work out what they’re thinking about doing and be there before they make a move.
There’s a helluva lot more of them than there is us,” I said.
“The only way we can keep them under control is if we anticipate their decisions and make clear that they need to get moving through these damn gates. So, now we need—”
“To take a break?”
I turned around slowly, feeling like I’d been caught with my pants down, but that would be preferable.
Charlie and Mackenzie came closer, toting coolers that no doubt contained our lunches.
Of course, they would deliver food. My sister had been doing it for years when we had to bring the stock in, so why did I stand here now, my mouth open?
Because seconds before I was bollocking out my workers and my girl must’ve heard every second of it.
The need to recover, revert back to the version of myself that Mackenzie seemed to like rose, but failed to eventuate.
I was tired, hot, and filled with a kind of hopelessness, because this was only the start of things.
No rest was coming for days, if not weeks, and I just needed to hold it all together.
But I was failing.
Move forward, I screamed at myself. Take the cooler from her. Say hello, thank you, something. My facial muscles felt stiff, my body clumsy and outsized as I lurched over to do just that.
“Shouldn’t have come all the way out here,” I said. My voice sounded strangled as I tried to moderate my tone and failed. “I mean—”
“So you can work until you drop.” She stared at me steadily and never had I felt so exposed. “Work everyone else until they drop too, then force yourself to get up the next morning and do the same thing again?”
I swallowed hard. Before Mackenzie I used to fantasise about someone seeing past my facade and into the core of me, but it turned out that wasn’t as pleasant as I hoped. Instead, I pulled a bottle of water out of the cooler and cracked the lid, guzzling it down.
“This is gonna be a tough week,” she continued in a gentle voice. “But neglecting yourself isn’t going to make it any easier.”
The urge to snap back, to make clear exactly what would required of me over the next few days rode me hard, but when I looked into her eyes, all such impulses died.
I couldn’t hurt Mackenzie, couldn’t dump that shit on her and so that meant I needed to swallow my bitter words down along with the water.
“You brought me chilli?” I asked, making a show of peering into the cooler. “Thanks, love. I’ll…”
Whatever else I was going to say was discarded as I felt my phone buzz. Hauling it out, I stared at the screen, trying to parse the meaning of the few words there.
Get me my money, it said. Or sell the farm. Your choice.
I’d unblocked Dad’s number in the morning when I was over my fit of pique, but right now I wondered at my own stupidity. My pulse could be heard rushing in my ears, the sun biting into my skin. The sensations multiplied, making me more and more aware of how hot, tired, and dirty I was.
And for what?
The way Dad explained it, I’d have my own kids someday, only to leave them in the lurch to labour on the family farm, like I did now.
They’d put in the blood, sweat, and tears to keep the place going and I’d…
There was no way to finish that sentence.
If that was my fate, I’d never have children, because there was no way I could bring myself to live off their indentured servitude.
“Troy…?” Mackenzie stood there, staring up at me in concern. “Are you OK?”
No, that was what I wanted to say. No, I wasn’t.
I was like a piece of rope that was fraying at the ends, each twist of fibre unravelling more by the second.
I could’ve told her that and the need to unburden myself rode me hard.
Just tell her, I thought furiously. Just let her in.
Mackenzie is only here for a few more months, so you can—
But that was the problem.
If I spilled my guts to her, unloading all the frustration and pain, then what? She’d get back on that plane at the end of the six months, taking that moment of connection with her back to the States. Instead, I stepped in and pressed a hard kiss to her forehead.
“I’ve gotta go, love.”
That came out a ragged growl, right as I strode over to my bike. Slinging the cooler bag over one of the handlebars, I picked up Sparky’s water bowl and stashed it before kickstarting the engine to life.
“Fuck, no…” Billy grumbled, tossing his fork back into his plastic container. “Lunch break, Troy. We need a damn break.”
Trouble is, so did I. Away from my family, my friends, even Mackenzie.
Part of me wanted to roar off into the distance, riding and riding until the tank emptied, because that might settle the rage inside me.
The farm was a millstone around my neck, dragging me down, but right as I was using every resource I had to keep my head above water, someone else would put another thing on me.
Maybe we should sell the farm, I thought, roaring up towards the cattle.
A sharp word to Sparky and he was off, rounding them up into a tight bunch and moving them forward.
Towards what, though? I hadn’t thought this through.
The gate… Bronson rode up with a grim expression, unhooking the clasp and swinging the gate wide just in time.
But the look he gave me as we passed through helped solidify my decision.
It wasn’t worth it. This wasn’t worth it. The farm, the life, Dad… But instead of riding off into the sunset, I made it through to the next paddock and the next, finally herding the cattle into the containment field.
“Get the feeders set up,” I said as the other guys arrived. And say thank you for all your hard work, I thought, but the words didn’t come. “Make sure all the troughs are full.”
“And what’re you going to do?” Bronson asked, wiping his sweaty brow with the back of his hand.
“Sparky and I can handle the sheep on our own,” I said, eyeing the dark gold of the sun as it began to drop lower in the sky. “I’ll move them closer—”
“We’ll move them closer.”
My brother stared me down, mutely challenging me to contradict him. With a slow shake of my head, I found I smiled despite myself.
“We’ll move them closer,” I said, then marched over to the main pipe, turning the wheel to get the water flowing.
Hours later, we all returned to the house well past sundown. Barely able to lift our boots after the day we’d had, the four of us trudged inside to find our dinner waiting for us in the oven.
“Kept it warm for you,” Charlie said. “But you’ll need to help yourselves. I’m off to a meeting at the vet’s. The ladies in town are setting up a command centre to try to deal with the heat-affected animals.”
Which just left Mackenzie.
She walked out into the living room as we all sat down to eat, and my eyes sucked in the sight of her pink, flushed skin and the way she was towelling dry her hair. Her smile, the way her eyes lit up as she came over, it was like a cold beer on my dry throat.
But I couldn’t let myself take a drink.
“Hey.” She sat down beside me. “How was your day?” With a shake of her head, she forged on.
“What am I saying? It was terrible, right?” With a critical look at my bowl, her lips pursed and all I could think about was kissing them until all the tension leeched away.
“And you must be so sick of chilli. I can make something else.”
And she would too. There was something soft, gentle, sweet about Mackenzie and right now that was beyond tempting. Lose myself in her, pretend the heat wave, Dad, all of it wasn’t about to hit, but I knew now that wasn’t possible.
“Food’s fine,” I said, my voice perfectly flat, because if I let myself express one emotion, then the rest would come with it.
“I’ll eat it in the office.” Her watching me stand up, then move away with a look of confusion straight up killed me.
“Keeping stock animals in containment fields is bloody expensive and I’ve gotta play with the numbers, see if I can find the money for all the feed we’re gonna need. ”
I had no idea if she understood what that meant or even cared, because I got up abruptly, walking outside the house and up to my dad’s old office, where my laptop and the budget spreadsheet were. It was only when I sank down into the cracked leather chair that I realised I’d left my dinner behind.
Didn’t matter.
Full belly or not, that hollow feeling in my chest wasn’t going anywhere. I shoved that to one side as I fired the computer up and then my fingers flew over the keyboards as I started to create an array of possible scenarios, desperately hoping to find one that would get us out of this mess.