Chapter 25
Mackenzie
“Where the hell…?” I shook my head, unable to reconcile the surly expression Troy was wearing now with the much softer, sweeter man of before. “We took some injured animals to the vet.”
“That wasn’t the plan,” he growled as he stalked closer.
“No?” My hands went to my hips as my back straightened. “It wasn’t. Needed doing anyway.”
“I’m having a shower,” Charlie said with a shake of her head. “Troy, if you’re smart you’ll do the same down at the bunkhouse.”
“Had a shower already,” he snapped.
“Doesn’t mean you don’t need to cool off.” She held his gaze for a second, then shook her head when Troy continued to scowl. “Or, y’know, just continue being the same grumpy fuck you always are.”
He didn’t answer, his focus swinging back to me, and that was just fine.
“I told you to keep out of the forest until the fire service gave the all clear,” he said in a terse tone. “That just because the flames are out, it doesn’t mean the danger is over.”
“I know.” Shit, my voice was wavering, and I didn’t like that one bit. “And I had no intention of going outside, but Nugget—”
“The bloody wombat?” Troy jerked back as if I’d slapped him.
“He got out, and he’s Charlie’s favourite, so I went after him.” God, it felt like I was deflating by the second. “He popped the door open and took off, so I followed in the car. Didn’t find the wombat, but there was a koala—”
“What is with you women and the bloody animals?” His fingers raked through his damp hair as he stared at the ceiling.
“Nugget and his kind have spent thousands of years adapting to living in the bush and you…” There was something real, too real in his eyes and that had me aching. “You could’ve been hurt.”
“I wasn’t.”
Bronson cleared his throat, staring conspicuously at his plate.
“What if another fire flared up, and you were stuck in the forest by yourself?” Troy asked.
I saw the desolate landscape in a whole new light then. The lazy curls of smoke became far more sinister, the ash some sort of booby trap.
“What if you were trapped out there and I…?” My eyes flicked up to meet his and I could see the war being fought there. Concern and anger were duking it out, and I wasn’t sure who would win. “And I was out—?”
“Troy.” Scotty came stumbling in through the front door, looking completely exhausted. “We’ve got a problem.”
“What now…?” Billy groaned, slumping lower in his chair.
“The hay that was just delivered.” Every single person in the room went perfectly still as Scotty looked at each one of us in turn. “It’s no good.”
“What do you mean it’s no good?”
I should’ve been relieved that the focus was off me, but when Troy turned around, the tension vibrating in his body was apparent. Shoulders up by his ears, he was bracing for impact.
“It’s gone sour.”
Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Hay turned sour when it hadn’t been dried properly.
The moisture remaining in grass caused the bales to heat up and ferment.
Eating it would make animals sick, I’d learned that at home, but that wasn’t the only problem.
Hay bales could spontaneously catch alight as they got hotter and hotter during the fermentation process.
There was a shed full of all the feed Troy had been forced to order while the stock remained in the containment paddocks and somehow it had become a ticking time bomb.
“Sour…” Had I ever heard a man sound so heartbroken? He shook his head, slowly, then with greater and greater vehemence. “No… No…”
“Looks like the works not done for today.” Bronson tried for an upbeat tone and failed. He shoved his plate away and got to his feet, then looked down at Billy. “C’mon, numbnuts—”
“No.” Troy’s mask didn’t fall then; it shattered as he stared at us just for a second. “I’ll sort it.”
His expression haunted me long after he’d left the room. Jolting at the sound of his car pulling away from the house, I turned to the others.
“So what do we do?” I asked. “Back home, you had to separate every bale and lay it out to cool off, even dry it out.”
The howl of the wind outside sent a great gust of hot air inside the house, making a mockery of that idea.
“It’s the same here,” Billy said, walking towards the door, then stopping to give my shoulder a squeeze. “But you don’t need to worry about that.”
“We’ve been dealing with dickhead feed suppliers for a long time before you arrived.” Bronson pulled his boots on. “She’ll be right.”
What did that even mean? Before I could ask that question, they all filed out of the house, leaving me standing there, alone.
“You’re OK!”
Dinner wasn’t happening. My guts felt like they were twisted in knots after that last conversation, so I messaged Mom, who instantly called me via FaceTime.
“I’m fine, Mom.” With a sigh, I made sure to smile reassuringly. “The fire didn’t get anywhere near us.”
“This time.” She looked too pale on the screen, but was that the glare of the morning sun or just the camera? “Mackenzie, I know this has been an amazing experience for you, but…”
Don’t say it, I thought to myself. Mom, don’t say it.
“Maybe it’s time to come home. At least then I’ll know you’re safe.” Her voice started to rise. “I was reading that there’s no professional firefighting service in Australia?”
“They have professional firefighters,” I replied, sinking back into my pillows. “They just rely on volunteers out of the major cities…”
As I explained the emergency services organisational structure to her, I knew something.
I had a few months left of my trip and I wasn’t ready to go home.
Nugget, the rescue, I saw all the animals inside my head, then the first koala I’d found injured in the forest. They were more than enough to make me want to see out the rest of my six months visa, but…
Troy, cranky. Troy, quietly watching me, then looking away with a smile when I caught his eye across the table.
Troy, squaring his shoulders and assuming the next burden placed on top them without a word.
Oh no.
I came to a farm Down Under to get over a broken heart, but it was now I realised I had a far bigger problem.
I didn’t fall for Alex. He was just always there and I let him, but Troy…
This country, this man, they were the first things I’d really chosen for myself and I didn’t know how to say goodbye to that.
Much later that night, the muffled sounds of the front door opening, of heavy footfalls coming down the hallway had my eyes flicking open.
All the exhaustion of the day was wiped away as I heard them come to a stop outside my door.
He could’ve been about to walk into his own bedroom.
That was the most plausible explanation.
On some level, it was the one I wanted, because of the way Troy snapped at me before.
It was the sigh, not a very loud one, that had me padding over to the door and opening it, just in time to see him turning away.
“Troy…”
He froze at my voice and then went to face me. The man was a mess. Dirt covered every inch of him, the deep furrows in his face made clear what kind of night he’d had.
“Fuck…” He sounded almost drunk from exhaustion. “Sorry, Mackenzie, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
I nodded slowly.
“It’s OK.”
“It’s not.” Hands slid down his face. “Fuck, it’s not. None of it’s OK.”
Troy’s voice was hoarse, ragged and then way his fingers raked at his cheeks had me wanting to step in and stop him from hurting himself. But it wouldn’t have mattered. What was going on inside him, it would keep tearing him into a million pieces, even if I gripped his hands tightly.
“I fucked up.” That was a confession that came from the depths of his soul. “The fire, the plan, the feed…” When his hands dropped, I studied his expression, catching every little bit of pain there. “You.” A slow shake of his head. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”
“You shouldn’t have,” I replied in a carefully neutral tone.
“I came up with a plan to keep everyone safe, but…” That smile was a horrible thing, full of self-loathing. “Granddad always said no plan survives contact with the enemy.” Bloodshot eyes met mine. “Or Nugget.”
My lips twitched, but I didn’t want to smile, not yet. There was a temptation there, to let Troy off the hook. The state of him clawed at me, but there was something I learned in therapy. After listening to my self recriminations for weeks, the therapist made clear Alex wasn’t my problem to fix.
No man was.
“You were scared that something had happened to us,” I said, and he nodded swiftly.
“And the only emotion men seem to be allowed to feel is anger.” His brows creased and then tension in his face was something I could almost feel tangibly, right before he nodded again.
“So you snapped at everyone, because you care.”
“Mackenzie…”
He was about to surge forward, take me in his arms, but it wasn’t just the dirt and grime that had my hand shooting out, keeping him from getting any closer. For just a moment, all I could feel was the prickle of hay and the soft cotton of his shirt, but this had to happen.
“An apology needs two things for it to be sincere,” I said, staring at his chest, because otherwise I’d never get this out. “Maybe three.” A little snort escaped me. “Remorse.”
“Trust me,” he rasped, “I’ve got that in spades. Mackenzie—”
“A willingness to make amends,” I continued.
“Breakfast in bed,” he promised. “A stack of pancakes ten feet tall and a king’s ransom in maple syrup. No early morning cattle feeds ever.”
My eyes flicked up and I met his gaze steadily.
“And real change to ensure that the same shit doesn’t keep on happening over and over,” I replied.
Alex must’ve kept half the florists in our town in business with all the bouquets he brought me.
Never just to make me feel special. Instead my muscles locked down tight, my breath becoming shallow, each time I heard the crackle of cellophane, because there he’d be.
A picture of contrition, he’d say all the right things, then give me chocolates or flowers or both, and for a time, things would be so much better.
He’d work to repair the damage he’d done to our relationship.
Only to go and destroy the trust and goodwill he’d built up.
“Everyone knows you’re stressed, Troy.” My voice was cracking now.
“We can all see how hard you’re working.
” The pressure on my palm eased off as he pulled back slightly.
“That the farm wouldn’t run without you, but…
” This felt like kicking a man when he was down, but if not now, when?
“If the price you have to pay, everyone has to pay, for your competence is to be subjected to your foul mood, then…” The smile finally came, a tiny, fragile thing. “That’s too much.”
He just nodded at first, over and over, then fell back like a man reeling from a gut punch.
I was doing the right thing, wasn’t I? This was exactly what my therapist had prepared me for, so why didn’t it feel a whole lot better?
Why did a pang of guilt hit me hard, wanting, needing me to claw everything I said back, to pretend I’d never said a thing?
“Got it. I’ve need to…”
He stumbled over to the bathroom and some part of me wanted to follow. To ensure he didn’t fall over and crack his head open for one, but it was more than that. Troy was in pain and the need to soothe him was instinctive, but you can’t help someone over a hurt you caused.
Stepping back into my own room, I flopped back onto my bed and stared at the ceiling. No spiders, just shadows shifting with the wind, I followed their path while listening to the sound of the shower running. At some point, I fell asleep, only to wake up late the next morning.
“Having trouble getting started?” Charlie asked with a smile when I finally emerged out into the main house.
“Just tired,” I said, slumping down into a chair. She set a mug of coffee down before me.
“The guys will be out all day,” she said.
“Troy blew up the feed supplier’s phone.
Their team is coming to pick up the sour feed and replacing the bad bales.
” With a shake of her head, she smiled at me.
“Best to steer clear of them today, because it’ll be a hot, shitty, dangerous job, moving that hay. ”
The look on Troy’s face last night haunted me.
After a long, horrible day, he had to wake up and face down another, with no end in sight.
My fingers sank into my hair, raking along my scalp, like he had his face last night.
Feeling like shit, I stared at the tabletop, only to focus on the black rectangle of Troy’s laptop.
Pulling it closer, I smoothed my hand across the top and then glanced up at Charlie.
“We might be able to do something here to ease the burden.” I tapped the laptop. “Do you know your brother’s password?”