Chapter Fifty-Eight. Helen, 1964
CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
Dr. Trimble didn’t even look up from his typewriter as he told Helen that she could stay in the dorms through the end of the semester. After that, he said, she was on her own.
“Get a ring on your finger,” he suggested. “Campus is full of eligible bachelors.”
His fingers resumed clacking his typewriter’s keys. She stood there for an embarrassingly long moment until she realized she’d been dismissed.
She walked outside and stood in front of the psych building, blinking in the sharp morning sunlight.
Three girls with their arms linked walked by, singing the Chiffons’ hit “He’s So Fine.
” A boy carrying a girl’s books kept up an animated conversation while she smiled serenely.
Another group of boys tossed around a football on the lawn across from the building.
“Are you alright?”
Helen blinked at the girl who’d materialized in front of her. She was well put-together, with a glossy dark bob and green eyeshadow beneath her thin dark brows. She’d been one of the singers; her two friends were waiting farther up on the sidewalk, watching.
“You must be frozen. Did you forget your coat?”
Helen looked down at her arms, bare in her short-sleeved dress.
“Oh, yes,” she said, trying to smile.
The girl frowned. “Well, hurry and get inside where it’s warm!” She skipped away in her saddle shoes to catch up with the other girls, linking arms with them again.
How many times had Helen walked the exact same way with her friends? Her throat constricted with sobs, but she couldn’t shed a single tear.
If anyone could help, she finally thought, it would be Kathleen. Helen walked the familiar path to Kathleen’s house, propelled by a spark of energy.
The curtains were still drawn and the house appeared oddly still. Helen stepped over a pair of dirt-caked men’s sneakers on the doorstop and rang the bell. There were no onrushing footsteps, no call from Kathleen that she was coming.
She rang the bell again, holding her finger against it for a long moment.
The sound that came from inside made her rear backward. It was a guttural moan that didn’t sound human.
“Kathleen?” she called, banging on the door. “Are you okay?”
“Go away!” she heard Kathleen scream.
Helen flinched as if she’d been slapped. Kathleen was finished with her. They all were.
She turned and started to walk. After a while, she became aware there was something wrong with her shoes. One of her kitten heels had broken off, causing her to lurch with every step. Helen took off the other shoe and continued in her stockinged feet.
When cars honked at her, she veered out of the street. A person in a doorway called out to her but she kept her head low and continued to walk.
When she looked up again, the sky was streaked with scarlet and the beautiful bridge that had so captivated her when she first arrived in town was right in front of her. When Dr. Trimble had driven her over it, she’d imagined it was the entrance to a magical new life—and for a while, it was.
There was a narrow pathway between the car lanes and guardrail, just wide enough for a slim girl to traverse. Her legs wobbled and nearly gave out when she was halfway over the bridge, so she decided to stop and rest.
Helen waited until the road was clear of cars, then climbed over the guardrail and perched on a steel beam, dangling her legs. She’d never been up so high; the boats below looked like toys. But she couldn’t wring any joy from the moment. Everything in her ached, down to her soul.
Cars continued to pass by, but no one could see her behind the thick gray beam. She was invisible again.
She’d been trying so desperately to hold on to her new life. But after a while, it seemed easier to simply let go and float through the air.