Chapter Twenty-Eight
Getting back to London was like falling to earth with a crash.
My summer of fun had come to an abrupt end as soon as I stepped off that Aer Lingus flight at Heathrow and reality set in.
My parents were living separately for starters, I still couldn’t quite get my head around that.
I also couldn’t unthink all the thoughts I’d started having about Ben.
Ben arrived back in London the week after me and we’d been invited (via our publicists) to a party that would cement our ‘status’.
Chloe was delighted that her ‘strategic alliance’ between Ben and me had been so successful, and I couldn’t face telling her that things felt decidedly different now we were back home.
I wanted to do well at this, and had been just as delighted as Chloe that we actually did want to get together.
If things didn’t work out with Ben, especially so soon, then it would feel like a failure.
‘What’s this party for again?’ Ben murmured in my ear as we entered the Soho Hotel, a doorman seamlessly swinging the door back for us.
‘Lulu Otani’s Mulberry collab,’ I told him. I would probably have been going anyway as Lulu was a friend, but it seemed like a low-maintenance public event for us to go public at.
‘God, I hate this sort of thing,’ he sighed, as if he was above it all.
Handbags, parties, all of it silly. I had to say, Ben certainly felt a lot less shiny now we were back in London.
Or maybe it was that the reality of dating him was setting in.
I felt as if I’d invested a lot of mental time and energy in Ben and this was actually our first real date.
If this was what our relationship was going to be like, I didn’t know if I could sustain the headspace.
We were each handed a margarita as we entered the extravagantly decorated space, which was hung with riotously bright decorations in the same shades as the handbags Lulu had ‘designed’.
I waved across the room at Liana Blum, a model friend of mine I hadn’t seen in a while.
She mouthed back ‘He’s so cute!’, pointing at Ben and I couldn’t help but blush.
She was right, he was so cute. And talented. And clever. And dedicated to his work.
‘You made light work of that,’ Ben said, nodding down at my empty glass.
‘Guess I was thirsty,’ I said lightly.
I placed it on a passing tray of used glasses as another waiter with a tray of fresh cocktails sauntered in the opposite direction like a beautiful ballet. I picked one up and took a sip. ‘Are you going to keep up this pace all night?’ Ben nodded in the direction of the margarita.
I shrugged. ‘I’m hardly drunk.’
‘No, but you will be.’
‘And maybe it’s OK if I do get drunk. It’s not a big deal.
’ The party was packed and we were surrounded by people, hemmed in on all sides.
It didn’t matter that there were lots of other famous people there, the sight of Emily Montgomery and Ben Sage-Whittle, newly minted golden couple of the British film industry, was going to draw some attention.
‘I just don’t want you making a fool of yourself, that’s all,’ Ben said, his voice tight. It was then that I noticed a guy in a white baseball cap with his phone out, trying to be subtle but obviously photographing or filming us.
I nodded towards him. ‘Don’t say anything too interesting, that guy has got us under surveillance.’
‘Fucksake,’ Ben muttered under his breath. ‘Am I ever going to be able to go anywhere with you without someone being right up my arse with a camera?’
I knew the feeling. Ben led me to a small room where they sometimes held private events. Tonight it was empty, everyone thronging the main event space.
‘Is this how it’s going to be?’ Ben asked, arms folded across his chest. He tossed his fair hair back off his forehead and looked at me with a stern gaze. ‘Now we’re actually together we just bicker?’
‘I just wanted a second margarita! I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this, it’s not like I’m doing body shots or openly hoovering up a bunch of coke!’
‘I don’t want you embarrassing yourself, that’s all!’
‘When have I ever done that? I’m literally famous for not doing that, to the point of it being a bit weird given I was basically a child star and they famously love hoovering up coke and embarrassing themselves.
Emily Montgomery demurely sipping a second drink while dressed in vintage Chanel is the least interesting headline possible. ’
‘Well I am just so sorry I don’t want to be a Hollywood party boy like Josh Sacco!’ Ben said sarcastically, throwing his hands up in defeat.
‘What does Josh have to do with any of this?’ My cheeks reddened at having to say his name, a little prickle of excitement dancing in my chest.
‘It’s obvious from the way you talk about him that you have feelings for him!’
‘Ben, I’m with you, and I don’t know why you have to bring Josh up all the time. He has nothing to do with me, we work together on one film series and that’s it, we don’t even hang out when we’re not on Wonderwick! I haven’t seen him for months!’
Ben shook his head, laughing, but he didn’t say anything.
‘What?’ I urged him. I didn’t want there to be things hanging in the air between us, I wanted us to be able to talk properly, like adults.
‘You know the one thing you didn’t say?’ I raised my eyebrows, waiting for him to speak. ‘You didn’t tell me I was wrong. You didn’t say that you don’t have feelings for Josh.’
He was right. I didn’t say it. And I didn’t say it because I just didn’t know how I felt.
The idea of having these feelings for Josh was so unwelcome to me, so inconvenient, so .
. . vaguely taboo that I couldn’t think of a single person I could talk to about them.
Saying it out loud would make it real in a way I just couldn’t face.
And anyway, maybe I didn’t have feelings for Josh, maybe everything had just got all jumbled up and confused after the kiss.
But the fact I couldn’t talk about it with anyone meant I was never going to be able to sort those feelings out either way.
I knew I couldn’t explain all that to Ben, so instead I looked him in the eye and said, ‘My feelings are my own business, what I actually do is sometimes your business. I don’t know exactly what you’re accusing me of but I don’t appreciate it.’
‘I’m not accusing you of anything,’ Ben said, mocking.
I couldn’t help feeling I was too young to be in a relationship like this. Lucy’s words in my ears.
‘Yes you are! Jesus, Ben, we’re not meant to be fighting like this!
Not this early in . . . whatever this is meant to be!
It was supposed to be fun! Something our publicists cooked up that we could maybe actually enjoy rather than having to fake it!
But tonight isn’t fun for me and I don’t think it’s fun for you either.
So why don’t we just draw a line under it and move on? ’
He stared at me, blinking slowly. ‘Is that what you want?’
I thought for a moment. The answer was yes and no at the same time. I wanted his protective force field around me, the permission to not deal with how I was feeling about Josh. I wanted the distraction, the good times, the fact I really did fancy him. But the rest of it? I could live without.
‘Yes,’ I said, quietly.
‘So that’s that then.’ His voice was stiff. I don’t think he was used to being rejected and didn’t enjoy not being the one who called the shots.
‘That’s that.’ I felt a pit open up in my stomach. I’d done it, and I couldn’t take it back.
‘Well then, I’ll leave you to it,’ he said, yanking the door open violently and storming out.
I was alone. I thought it would feel better than this.