JOSH
Why the hell did I do it? Why did I pick a fight with her like that? And why did I have to bring up her goddamn stupid ex who didn’t know how to treat her? Christ, I’m no better than him, am I?
During that whole fight with Emily, I wanted to scream, shout, break things, to get her to understand that I was just being a fucking asshole because I was scared and insecure.
What was I scared of? Oh, everything. Or more specifically, the fact that she was right, that I was going to waste my life doing superhero movies which were more a testament to my workout regime than they were to my acting skills.
I wondered if deep down she knew the reason that I would never sign on to a movie like Orientations was that I was too scared to try, too scared to throw my hat in the ring to try something more serious because if I failed then I would know I was a good-looking but mediocre actor with Hollywood producer parents, his most marketable asset his abs.
If I never tried, I could always preserve the belief that I had it in me, it was just untested.
Emily isn’t like that. Emily’s brave, as well as talented.
She’s riding high, she’s the It Girl, she’s signing deals and starting companies and winning awards and what am I doing?
Just fucking floundering, doing the same old shit I’ve always done.
Except now it’s worse because as well as doing that, I’m pushing away the girl I love and that I want to be with.
I’m crazy about her. After all this time, I know I’m crazy about Emily.
And maybe being with Emily is just like all the supposed untapped potential inside me: maybe it’s better not to try at all than to try and to find out that it fails.
Oh, I’m a coward? Fuck yeah I’m a coward.
Always have been. A brave person wouldn’t have been intimidated by a nerdy and well-prepared thirteen-year-old girl and proceeded to borderline torment her for years!
That’s coward shit! A brave person would have kissed Emily at that wrap party and fucking owned it rather than playing it as a joke, embarrassing her in front of our friends.
A brave person would take risks with their career, try to break out of the image they’ve fallen into.
Not me! I’m a coward! Emily deserves better than that.
She deserves better than me.