Chapter 34
THIRTY-FOUR
I reached my hand up to the doorbell and hesitated for a moment.
The sun that had greeted me that morning was still shining; the day was still warm. Someone was having a barbecue, and the savoury aroma of grilling meat made my mouth water as I realised I hadn’t eaten since the previous lunchtime.
My stomach growled. I was lightheaded with hunger and the remains of a hangover.
That didn’t feel particularly important, though.
Although it was just a few hours since Ava had left the flat, it felt like a whole lifetime had passed since her knock had woken me that morning – or as if I had travelled a long, long way, like I used to when I took a long-haul flight somewhere to a new job on a new boat.
Then, I’d often found myself jet-lagged and stressed, entering a familiar world of cabins needing to be made ready, supplies needing to be ordered, flowers needing to be arranged, and it had felt impossible to comprehend that I was in a different hemisphere from the one where I’d last woken up.
Although physically I hadn’t travelled far today, the sense of disorientation was identical.
Everything I’d believed to be true that morning had turned out not to be.
Ava’s revelations had stunned me, my shock at learning what had happened to her mingling with shame at how badly I’d misinterpreted the situation.
My feet might still be on the ground, but only gravity was keeping them there. I felt unmoored, like I might drift away.
I pressed the doorbell and heard the thump of approaching feet. Seconds later, Molly opened the door, Arthur cradled on her shoulder.
‘Georgia! We weren’t sure whether you or Uber Eats would arrive first. I’m glad it’s you. Come in.’
‘How is he?’ I asked as we sat down on the sofa, Ben bustling around us offering hot or cold drinks.
‘They discharged us this morning.’ Molly beamed. ‘He’s going to be fine. The doctors say he’s a fighter. His temperature’s right back down to normal, and he’s eating like a horse.’
Taking his cue, Arthur rooted around at Molly’s top, and she opened it and began feeding him. The doorbell rang again, and Ben answered it, returning seconds later with a couple of huge pizza boxes.
‘My God, hospital food is awful,’ Molly said. ‘I’ve been dreaming about this – not that I could really sleep.’
Draping a paper napkin over Arthur’s head to protect him from drips, she reached for a slice of pizza and practically inhaled it. I followed suit, not caring that I was getting strings of melty cheese all down my chin.
‘It’ll take a few weeks before Artoo’s completely back to normal,’ Ben said, ‘but our GP can monitor him. No more hospitals for us for a while.’
‘What’s going on with you anyway?’ Molly asked. ‘Sam messaged to see how we were doing, but when I asked about you two, he went all vague and said I should speak to you.’
‘It’s…’ I took another slice of pizza. I could sense that my window of opportunity for eating would be a small one – once I started talking about what happened between Sam and me, never mind deciding how much to reveal of what Ava had told me, I suspected my appetite would vanish. ‘It’s complicated.’
Molly glanced at me, sympathy in her eyes. ‘Eat first, then talk.’
‘Let me top up your Diet Coke.’ Ben filled my glass. He looked at Molly and then at me, then piled a couple of slices of pizza onto a plate and continued, ‘I think I might go and watch the footie in the bedroom, if that’s okay? Shout if you need me.’
Discreetly, he left the room, and I heard their bedroom door close and the television start up.
‘Bless him, he always knows when to make himself scarce.’ Molly smiled.
For a few minutes, she, Arthur and I all ate in silence. At last, I took a final slice of pizza out of the box and looked at it regretfully.
‘I think I’m done,’ I admitted.
‘Same,’ she agreed. ‘And so’s he. I’ll take him to Ben, and he can do burping and change his nappy.’
Tenderly, she lifted Arthur off her lap and carried him through to his father.
I felt a pang of something that was part affection, part envy and part regret as I saw again how united they were.
The three of them had come through this crisis stronger than ever, the bonds of their love holding fast through the darkest time of their lives.
It hadn’t been like that for Sam and me. When the chips were down, we’d failed each other. Actually, mostly one of us had done the failing, and it hadn’t been Sam.
‘Now.’ Molly returned and sat back down, tucking her feet up under her and turning to face me. ‘Spill the tea. What’s been going on?’
Her face was full of concern. Despite everything she’d been through, she’d still been thinking about me. The kindness in her eyes, the comforting safety of her and Ben’s home and the evidence of their love for each other filled me with sadness and remorse, and I started to cry.
It was a while before I could stop. But between sobs and tissues and Molly opening a tub of Cherry Garcia ice cream, I managed to blurt out most of the story.
I didn’t tell her the details of what Ava had revealed to me: how she had woken up the morning after the assault in the nightclub alone, terrified and ashamed.
How she hadn’t been able to tell Sam or her friends what had happened.
How she’d considered going to the police but didn’t think she would be believed – she’d been drunk, she’d been wearing a short skirt, it had all happened so fast she could barely recall any of the details.
How much worse it made it that she’d known the man who did it because he’d been a friend of one of her friends, who’d been with them in the club, who she’d been talking and laughing with for a lot of the evening.
‘It turns out there was nothing going on between Sam and Ava,’ I told her. ‘Or not what I thought was going on anyway. She was seeing him to talk over things that happened before – when they were a couple. But not to get back together.’
I could tell Molly was dying to ask what things, but she managed to resist.
‘So you were wrong,’ she said. ‘I thought you would be. Sam’s a keeper. If he did want to get back together with Ava – not that he would when he has you; the man’s not an idiot – he’d have talked to you. He’d have ended things with you first.’
‘I know.’ The words came out in what was almost a howl. ‘I should have known all along, but I didn’t. Because he might not be an idiot, but apparently I am.’
‘But hold on.’ She scraped the last of the ice cream out of the tub.
‘Something’s wrong with this picture. Sam’s not carrying on with Ava behind your back.
Everything’s fine with you and him. But you’re here, crying into your Pepperoni Passion, instead of at home, having amazing make-up sex. What’s up?’
‘I messed up. I messed it all up so badly, Molly. The way I behaved to Sam – I was so jealous and paranoid and vicious. And… and now he hates me.’
‘Don’t be mad. Of course he doesn’t hate you.’
‘He does. And I don’t blame him.’
‘But surely all you have to do is explain that now you know you were wrong, and you’re sorry you behaved badly, and everything will be okay again?’
I shook my head. ‘I’m not so sure. He’s staying with Jared – he’s not even at home. He was so cold with me, Moll. I honestly feel like I’m not going to be able to salvage it. And it’s all my fault.’
‘Not all your fault,’ she argued loyally. ‘He’s been a dick. He could’ve reassured you, and he didn’t.’
‘He tried,’ I said. ‘I just wasn’t listening. I was…’
I thought about telling her about Jamie’s stupid plan, which I’d gone along with until I realised it wasn’t going to work. How I’d thought that, instead of communicating with Sam like a sensible person, I could lure him back to me by making him feel the way I was feeling.
But I couldn’t bring myself to. It was too juvenile and stupid, and I didn’t want to look as bad in Molly’s eyes as I already felt in my own.
And I couldn’t – I definitely couldn’t – tell her about last night. That Jamie and I had kissed. That knowledge was so raw, so shame-making, that I could barely admit it even to myself.
‘So tell him that! Tell him you fucked up. Tell him you love him. It’ll be fine,’ Molly urged.
‘You think?’ I looked at her with dawning hope.
‘I’d lay money on it.’ She reached out and hugged me. ‘Go on, text him now. Arrange to meet him. Tell him you need to talk. You’ve got this.’
Her confidence was infectious. Reaching for my phone, I felt a surge of relief. Molly was wise. She knew Sam. If she thought everything was going to be okay, it would be.
I couldn’t have guessed just how wrong she was.