Chapter 42
FORTY-TWO
My sunglasses clattered to the pavement. Sam bent down and picked them up, hooked them carefully over my ears, smoothed back a lock of my hair that was stuck underneath one of the lenses and took the box from me.
‘What are you doing here?’ I asked, once I’d recovered the power of speech.
‘I came to… I was going to…’ he stammered, then didn’t conclude whatever it was he’d been going to say and finished, ‘But it looks like you’re off out somewhere?’
My giddiness at having walked out of my job was enhanced by giddiness at seeing him, making me feel like I’d just necked two glasses of champagne without pausing for breath. I started to giggle.
‘That’s one way of putting it,’ I said. ‘I’ve just left Devereaux Partners.’
‘What? As in quit?’
‘Correct. Come on – let’s walk.’ I grabbed his free arm and almost dragged him off, heading nowhere in particular – just away from Jasper and Jamie and everything they represented. ‘Basically, I had to, or he’d have fired me.’
‘Fired you? Why? What did you do?’
I explained about Cormac Kennedy and Gossip Guru and Trent and all the rest of it.
‘But that’s outrageous.’ Sam gestured angrily and almost dropped the box. ‘You should sue their arses off at an employment tribunal.’
‘Maybe. But I’m not going to. The funny thing is, Sam…’
By now, we’d reached the edge of St James’s Park. With unspoken agreement, we walked in and sat down on a bench under a plane tree. Its leaves cast dappled shadows on Sam’s face. He listened as I spoke to him – really listened, his head tilted to one side and his eyes serious.
‘The funny thing is, I kind of tried to fight to make Jasper sack Jamie instead. Because I knew it was all his fault. But I didn’t really care. I’d already decided that I was going to leave and go back to working as a yacht stewardess.’
Sam’s eyes widened and darkened with surprise. ‘When did you decide to do that?’
‘Um… about half an hour before Jasper called me and Jamie into his office.’ I laughed. ‘It was one of those carefully thought out things, you know, weighing up the pros and cons and all that stuff.’
‘It certainly sounds like that.’ But he didn’t laugh.
‘Only now,’ I went on, ‘I’ve had this email from Zahra.’
‘Zahra?’
The fact that he didn’t recognise her name made me realise how little we’d been communicating over the past couple of months.
Normally, I’d have told him anecdotes about my work all the time, making him laugh or rage with annoyance on my behalf.
But more recently, it felt like all we’d talked about was Ava and Jamie and the slow-motion implosion of our relationship.
‘She’s a client,’ I explained, ‘but a nice one. And she’s looking for – I suppose you’d call it a private secretary. I don’t have many details yet, but it sounds perfect, and she and her fiancé are… well, they’re almost normal. Apart from being really rich.’
‘And that feels like a better option than going back to yachting?’ He was watching me carefully, as if he could read my thoughts in my face.
I hoped he could.
‘It’s not just that it’s a better option,’ I said slowly, ‘although, realistically, it probably is. It’s that… well, when I was thinking of just upping and going back to yachting, what made it feel so attractive was that I could leave everything here behind.’
‘Like Milton?’
I realised for the first time just how hard that would have been, and a lump came to my throat imagining it. ‘Don’t,’ I said. ‘That would have been awful.’
‘Like me then?’ he asked with a sad smile.
I reached out and took his hand. His skin was warm and dry and his fingers strong when, after a moment, he returned the same pressure.
‘Leaving you would’ve been awful too,’ I told him. ‘But, you know, you’ve left already. Escaping from that – not having to live with it every day – was one of the things I wanted to do the most. If that makes any sense at all…’
‘But you’ve changed your mind?’
‘I suppose I have. I realised – even before I saw Zahra’s email – that running away isn’t the right thing to do. I tried to fight back when Jasper accused me of doing unethical things, and I think I would have won, if Jamie hadn’t produced a surprise duke.’
‘A surprise what?’ Sam burst out laughing.
I laughed too. It was infectious, and soon we were giggling so hard I could barely explain.
‘You know what a massive snob Jasper is. When Jamie told him an old school friend had inherited a title and Devereaux Partners could get him as a client if Jamie kept his job, it was game over. There was no point me carrying on fighting after that. But I’d realised why it was important to, and I’d realised that you can’t just run away from problems, and you can’t run away from yourself. ’
We’d stopped laughing now – but Sam was still holding my hand, which was something.
‘I decided…’ I began. ‘I decided, back then, that I’d try and fight for you too. If you’ll let me.’
‘I…’ Sam began. ‘That’s why I came to see you today. I didn’t want to call or text. I wanted to see you in person. To talk to you – and to give you something. But I…’
I squeezed his hand. ‘You don’t have to say yes or no now. Because I know it’s a big thing. I know it won’t be easy, after everything that’s happened. And that reminds me, I need to make a call.’
Sam’s face was puzzled as I took my phone out of my bag and flicked through to find the number I wanted. But there was no answer – it rang through to voicemail.
His face grew more puzzled still as he listened to the message I left.
‘Hi, Ava. It’s Georgia. Hope you’re doing okay.
I just wanted to ask – if it’s okay with you – if you could send me a contact number, please.
I’ve been thinking, and there’s some stuff I want to talk to someone about.
Not like what happened to you but to do with my mum and dad and my childhood and things like that.
So I was wondering whether you could share the details of Elizabeth, your therapist, or someone she recommends.
And maybe we can meet for a coffee or something soon? Okay. Thanks. Bye.’
My heart was pounding as I ended the call, my palm sweating against Sam’s.
‘That was brave,’ Sam said. His face was full of admiration, like I’d done something remarkable, not just left a voice message.
‘Nah.’ I shrugged. ‘That was just a phone call. What Ava’s been through – that’s brave. And you supporting her. And Zahra standing up to her family. But if I do see this Elizabeth or someone else, and I talk about what I need to talk about, then I’ll have to be brave.’
‘I guess it won’t be easy.’ Sam put his other hand on top of mine, so my cold, clammy fingers were sandwiched between his warm ones. ‘But you can do it. You can do anything, Georgia. You’re strong. You’re amazing.’
I gave a shaky laugh. ‘You think?’
‘I know,’ he said. ‘I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you if you weren’t.
You’re the most amazing woman I know. You’re spontaneous and funny and gorgeous and loving.
And when I saw you come out of that door just now, it reminded me of all those things.
It reminded me I couldn’t go through with what I’d come there to do. ’
‘Did you think’ – it was hard to say the words; to remind him of something I hoped was gone from his mind – ‘did you really believe Jamie and I were… you know, a thing? Is that why you came to the office and not the flat?’
‘Not really,’ he admitted. ‘Not any more. Especially not after what Ava told me about him and what he did to her. I know you got things wrong about him, Georgia, but you wouldn’t have got them that wrong. I suppose I did want to see him, though, as well as see you.’
‘So you could beat the living shit out of him because of what he did to Ava?’ My eyes widened in shock. I’d never thought of Sam as a violent man, but I suppose in the circumstances anyone could have been driven to that.
‘No.’ He shook his head slowly. ‘Don’t get me wrong, it crossed my mind. But I just don’t have it in me to do that. I never have and I never will. I did think, though, that if I saw him, I could… I don’t know. Face my own demons, in a way. Get some sort of closure.’
‘And you couldn’t because I was already out of the door.
’ I didn’t know how to feel about that. If Sam had seen Jamie, Jamie would have provoked him, mocked him, said things that could have made Sam do something he’d regret forever.
I was relieved that hadn’t happened but also sorry that Sam hadn’t got the resolution he’d come for.
‘As soon as I saw you’ – he looked down at me, all the gentleness and kindness of his soul shining from his eyes – ‘that didn’t matter any more.
He didn’t matter any more. You’re the only thing that matters, and I realised I couldn’t let you go.
Being with you is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. ’
A sneaky, insecure part of me wanted to ask, Better than being with Ava? But I wasn’t going to. Fighting that part of myself and not letting it win was one of the things I was going to have to learn to do, and now seemed like a great time to start.
Instead, I said, ‘You’re pretty amazing too. You’ve got more integrity than anyone I’ve ever known. You stand up for what’s right. You’re kind and handsome, and I’ve had more fun with you than I’ve ever had in my life. No wonder Milton loves you.’
Sam smiled, his whole face lighting up the way it always did when he was truly happy. ‘I love him too. And, Georgia – I love you. I never stopped loving you.’
‘I never stopped loving you either,’ I told him.
I tilted my head up, and he kissed me on the lips, tenderly, like a promise.
Then he said, ‘Georgia. Like I said, I brought something for you.’
I let my eyes ask the question.
Sam reached into his pocket and took out a box. It was small and made of cardboard that I guessed had started out cream, but had yellowed slightly round the edges and was a bit grubby in places too. He handed it to me, and I eased off the lid.
Inside, resting on a block of foam padding, was a ring.
It wasn’t huge like the one Okan had given Zahra.
It was delicate and simple, a single diamond flanked by two smaller blue stones that I thought might be aquamarines.
The diamond didn’t blaze when it caught the light like Zahra’s had, but it sparkled when the sun fell on it through the rustling leaves.
‘I’ve never seen this before,’ I said in wonderment.
‘Do you like it?’ he asked.
‘It’s beautiful. It deserves to be worn again by someone who’s happy.’
‘I thought…’ Sam cleared his throat. ‘I brought it for you to give back to your mother, if you wanted to do that. But now I’m thinking I could keep it, and when we’re ready…’
‘You could give it to me?’
‘That’s right.’
I didn’t try the ring on. I could see that it wouldn’t fit me – it would have to be enlarged if I was ever to wear it. But it wasn’t just my finger I wanted it to fit right – it was all of me.
I wanted Sam and me to be sure that we could have a marriage that was strong and true and based on trust and love. I wanted our children to feel important and wanted and secure, the way Arthur would grow up feeling.
And now I knew that I’d do whatever it took for us to get there, and so would he.
‘I think you should keep it,’ I said. ‘I’d love to wear it one day. Hopefully, one day quite soon.’
I closed the box and handed it back to Sam. He slipped it into his pocket.
‘We’ll get there,’ he said.
‘I know we will,’ I agreed.