Chapter 1 #3
One thing was for sure: I wasn’t the only person searching for this stuff.
The internet was full of advice on how to write a Tinder profile that would get my ideal bloke swiping right so fast he practically dislocated his finger; how to harness the energy of the Universe to make my dreams come true; how to get from zero to ‘Ooooh’ in the sack through tantric lovemaking.
There was even a local spiritual healer who promised to cast a spell that would make me irresistible to the man of my dreams, for a small fee.
Although I was impressed by his SEO skills – the site came up at the top of the second page of my search – I decided to pass on that one.
But right below that was a page I did click on. The title caught my eye straight away: ‘Sorry Not Sorry (a bad girl’s guide to love and sex)’.
The site was simply designed: there was an image of a woman, taken from the back, wearing a swishy red coat and walking over a bridge – Brooklyn Bridge in New York, I guessed it was, because the Manhattan skyline filled the background.
I’d always wanted to go to New York, but it had never happened.
And if I carried on the way I was, it never would.
There wasn’t much text on the page. It just said, ‘Hi and welcome to Sorry Not Sorry, a series of podcasts I’ve recorded to help single girls – and guys – navigate the choppy waters of dating.
I call this a bad girl’s guide to love and sex, even though I have to admit to being a bit more vanilla than I’d like to be, myself.
But I want to try and channel that side of me – to tap into my daring, out-there, fun side.
And since you clicked on this site, I guess you do, too!
But I’m a talker, not a writer, so why not have a listen? ’
Okay, Bad Girl, I thought, show me what you’ve got.
I scrolled down the page, glancing at the dates on the audio links.
They’d all been recorded a while back – the most recent was almost five years old.
But dating couldn’t have changed that much in half a decade – even the dating app Bumble had been around almost that long, I told myself.
There were loads of links: how to write a killer online profile, dating safety tips and reviews of lingerie and sex toys (‘I’ve tried these so you don’t have to.
But you might just want to!’ she wrote).
I was feeling about as saucy as my empty ice cream tub, so sexy knickers and vibrators felt a bit advanced for the moment.
But one category caught my eye: ‘Take these challenges and set your dating life on fire!’
Even though I didn’t need to, because I was alone in the house, I plugged in my headphones before I pressed play.
Hey girlfriend! Welcome back to Sorry Not Sorry – the bad girl’s guide to love and sex. If this is your first time listening, a huge hello to you and a massive hug to go with it.
If you’re a regular listener, you can tune out for this next bit. Switch your hairdryer on, send a WhatsApp, blend your smoothie, whatever – I’ll see you back in a couple of minutes while I give the newbies a bit of background.
A year or so ago, I decided to document my journey in this series of podcasts.
Listeners who’ve been around for a while will have heard me tell about some of my dating adventures – and misadventures; believe me, there were plenty of those.
They’ll have been right here with me when I went on that disastrous date with BO Boy – remember him?
I sure do. Once smelled, never forgotten.
They’ll know what I’m on about when I mention Psycho Man, who – and I am not kidding you – lived in his late mom’s house with all her stuff still right there like her wedding photo in a frame on the wall and even clumps of dead hair in the brush on her dressing table.
Not to mention, he expected me to do it in.
Her. Actual. Bed. Spoiler: I didn’t. Call the cops, that is. And I didn’t bone him, either.
But listen to me – I’m going way off track! I was meant to be telling you what this new series of podcasts is all about.
I’ve noticed something recently, in my dating life as well as in my personal life.
I’ve realised that I’ve kind of got myself into a bit of a rut.
So I’ll be setting myself a series of challenges that I hope will inject some adventure back into dating, make it seem less goal-oriented and less of a chore.
And, hopefully, make me more fun and more dateable at the same time. What’s not to like about that?
Because, you see, this whole dating journey isn’t just about Mr Right. It’s about you – and me, obviously – discovering ourselves. It’s about enjoying adventures, pushing boundaries, learning more about ourselves. Hell, having amazing orgasms! I want a piece of that. Do you?
You said yes, right? Then why not join me in taking these challenges!
So let’s get started. The first challenge I’ve set myself is a simple one, although it seems like climbing Mount Everest right now…