Chapter 22
Am I alive?
Please tell me I’m alive. That I made it back home to Dean. That I’m not in that hellhole anymore.
Bright lights blind me from behind my heavy eyelids and it takes all my energy just to try and flex my fingers but something feels heavy on my hand, weighing it down to the bed so I try again, slowly curling my fingers into something soft.
Where am I?
What’s that beeping sound? It’s so loud.
I can hear my mind telling me to wake up, to pull myself out of this heavy slumber but my body is refusing, laying dormant like a sleeping dragon. I need to wake up.
I push again, forcing my hand to move, flexing my fingers back and forth when a familiar voice echoes in my head.
“Baby? Are you awake?” It says, why does it sound so far away? I try to reach for the voice again, using it as a lifeline.
“Listen to my voice mama, I’m here. Come back to me.”
Is that.. Dean? Is he really here?
Peeling my eyes open, the bright lights burn into my retinas, causing me to wince at the abuse, but what I’m blessed with is enough to bring me to my knees.
Burning green eyes that resemble lush, emerald forests stare back at me, climbing right into my soul to make a home there.
Dean’s bottom lip trembles as tears flood his eyes, a single droplet trails down his tired face before disappearing into his full beard.
I try to move my hands again and panic quickly sets in when I see a thick tube protruding from my mouth, and all of a sudden I can feel it in my throat, clogging my airways.
“Hey, look at me mama. Don’t panic. Let me get a doctor to help you alright?” He says in a calm voice as he presses a button on a white remote near the bed. Within minutes a doctor enters the room, already slipping a pair of latex gloves over his hands.
“Welcome back Ana. It’s nice to have you.” He says with a gentle tone as he walks around to the side of the bed, pressing all these coloured buttons on a machine that keeps beeping. “Let’s get that tube out shall we?”
I nod once, still feeling exhausted.
“You might feel a bit of discomfort as I pull it out but keep breathing steady breaths and it’ll be over in seconds, alright?”
My eyes find Dean, looking to him for support which he instantly gives me, squeezing my hand in his.
“You’re so brave, pretty girl.”
The doctor begins to unfasten the straps at the back of my head, then places his fingers around the tube before pulling it gently. The feeling of it sliding out of my lungs causes me to dry heave as it brushes against my insides, then it slips out of my mouth, leaving a trail of saliva behind.
“Well done. I’ll just pop an oxygen mask on for now to help you breathe and check your vitals.
” The doctor instructs, moving with efficiency as he places a plastic mask over my nose and mouth.
Immediately my lungs start to feel clearer as I inhale a deep breath through my nose before blowing the air out of my mouth, repeating the motion a couple of times.
After a couple of minutes, I’ve been thoroughly checked over, and the doctor pulls up a chair next to me, his once friendly demeanour changing to something serious.
“What.. is it?” I croak out, feeling like I’ve swallowed a ton of razor blades.
He looks between me and Dean, like he’s waiting for some sort of approval to tell me what’s going on.
“She has a right to know.” Dean says with a serious tone and I’m left feeling confused, my brain scrambling for answers.
“So,” the doctor starts, “your vitals are fine, you have a healthy heart rate and your hydration levels have risen which I’m happy about. But, I do need to tell you the extent of your injuries.” He says, looking at me with remorse.
“Okay..” I mumble, waiting to hear the damage that’s been caused to me.
“You do have a broken wrist which we’ve managed to wrap in a cast, it wasn’t a major break so you should heal pretty quickly.”
My eyes quickly dart to my right hand, seeing the white cast wrapped around my wrist. Instantly my bottom lip begins to tremble and I feel Dean’s hand squeeze mine.
What’s happened to me?
I try to fathom the words to express how I’m feeling but I can’t. They don’t arrive, instead I just stare at my hand like it isn’t my own.
“You also have a couple of broken ribs which will heal on their own but you may have some discomfort for a couple of weeks.”
The damage seems to get worse and worse as he continues to speak, explaining the gunshot wound to my stomach which barely missed my internal organs to the burns on the inside of my thighs. But the worst blow of all, is the damage to my cervix and womb.
“Now, I’m not saying that you may never be able to have children, but it might be a struggle. There are always other options if that’s something that you both would like to discuss at a later date.”
The doctor’s words seem to fade away as I digest what he’s just said. I can’t have children? The part of me that would grow another life is broken? What will Dean think of me then?
I’ll never be able to give him a family.
Time freezes around me and all I can hear is a muffled conversation between Dean and the doctor, words I don’t want to hear.
“Baby, look at me.”
I don’t want to. I can’t possibly show my face to him now. A disfigured monster is what I’ve become, all because of someone else.
“Ana, please. I’m begging you, look at me. I need to see you.”
Dean leaves me with no choice but to turn my face to look at him.
“There you are.” He beams. “I already know what’s going round in that pretty head of yours. You’re worried that I’ll walk away from you, that I’ll no longer want you anymore, that I couldn’t possibly love you with everything you’ve been through, but you couldn’t be more wrong baby.”
“You are mine, and I am yours. Everything that you are, is all that I am and no matter what the world throws at us, I’ll be here.
I’ll love you until I take my last breath, and even then, I’ll find you in the afterlife to continue loving you.
Nothing you could ever say or do will change the way I feel about you. You hear me?”
His words stab right into my soul, cracking the precious jewel in half and I begin to wonder how I ever doubted him.
“Your scars make you who you are, and I’ll take whatever version I can get of you. The good, the bad and the ugly. I’ll take it all because you are enough. You will always, be enough.”
“But what about-” I start.
“Kids?” He throws back. “If you want to try for kids, I’ll do everything I can to give that to you and if it doesn’t happen, it’s okay because just having you here, alive, is more than I could ever ask for and I’d never trade that for anything.”
Words fail me and I simply squeeze his hand in mine with tears streaming down my face.
“Can I take this off for a second?” He asks, gesturing to the oxygen mask and I nod, allowing him to slip it off my face. His rough hands that I’ve missed dearly caress my cheeks, his thumbs wiping away the trail of tears that have settled into my skin.
“Please remember that you are enough, pretty girl.” He whispers, and the minty-ness of his breath washes over my skin before he places his lips on mine.
Every emotion floods into me like a tidal wave at that moment, all of them coiling around me but his kiss alone is enough to banish the hurtful ones, only allowing the good ones in.
The feel of his tongue against mine sends shivers down my spine, causing my heart to skip a beat which reflects on the heart monitor.
The moment Dean hears the rhythmic beep getting faster, he grins against my mouth.
“Is your heart beating for me, pretty girl?” He whispers against my lips and I nod. “Yes. Always.”
“Good. Because mine is ready to explode for you.”
Dean gives me one last kiss on the lips, then a gentle one on my forehead before taking a seat in the chair again that practically molds to his large frame. God, I’ve missed him. I’ve missed him so much that my heart aches.
“I’ve missed you too mama, so fucking much.” He replies to my thoughts, almost like he can always hear what I’m thinking, that’s how much our souls are connected.
There’s a shuffling at the end of the bed that has my brows dropping in confusion.
“What’s that?”
My question is quickly answered as a pair of molten chocolate eyes find mine, and a mixture of joy and heartache quickly floods my system.
“Lyla?” I say and her ears quickly prick up, turning her head from side to side as she listens to my voice. “Lyla, it’s me. I’m home, baby.” Immediately she rises from the floor and plants her head in my open palm, whining with soft cries, her tail wagging a million miles an hour.
“I’m not the only one who’s missed you.” Dean chuckles, scratching in between Lyla’s ears. “She wouldn’t let me take her home, so she stayed here with me the whole time.”
Tears fill my eyes again and I swear I’ve never cried as much in my life but these are happy tears, tears filled with joy that the most important things in my life are here with me.
Over the next couple of days, Dean stayed by my side as I took the time to recover in hospital, but now I’m desperate to go home.
To sleep in my own bed and feel the warmth of a decent shower.
The doctors visited me a couple of times to let me know that everything was looking well but it would definitely be a long road to full recovery, physically and mentally.
I decided to get back in touch with my therapist too.
I know these mental wounds would heal on their own, but I wasn’t ashamed to admit that I needed help along the way with it.
Therapy and medication has always been a bit of a stigma in my life, but I’ve soon realised that there’s nothing wrong with asking for help.
Dean deserves to have the best version of me, even if he is willing to hold onto my jagged pieces in the meantime, and I deserve the best version of me too.