Chapter 31
THEO
When we walked into the little room that had been my home for the last couple months, I sank down on the bed, propped my elbows on my thighs, and lifted my gaze up to hers. “I owe you an apology.”
“You do.”
“I’m sorry, Raquel,” I said without any further ado. “I never meant for any of this to go down the way it did. I know that doesn’t make it any better because it went down that way anyhow, but I didn’t see it coming.”
More accurately, I hadn’t seen Avery coming. I’d had no idea he was going to turn on me like that just because I’d offered to help, but that didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was that I hadn’t been the one to tell her.
She stood a few feet away, just inside the door, with her arms folded lightly across her chest and uncertainty written all over her face. Those gray eyes shone with the hurt I’d put there and I wouldn’t ever forgive myself for it, but at the same time, I owed her the truth.
The full truth, this time.
Even if it meant laying my heart out to her, knowing it wouldn’t make a damn lick of difference to how this was going to end.
“I wasn’t trying to lie,” I said softly. “I realize that keeping my real life from you was dishonest and I know I omitted to tell you a whole hell of a lot, but I genuinely didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Raquel held my gaze, pain still shimmering in her eyes but the tiniest of smiles ghosting across her lips.
“I never thought you were trying to hurt me. I guess I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t have told me about any of it.
Who you are. Who you’re related to. What’s expected of you.
I asked about your family and your life back home so many times, but you never said anything. ”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Why?”
“When I left Chicago, I honestly didn’t know what I was doing.” I blew out a heavy breath. “I bought the bike thinking I needed one last adventure. It was just supposed to be some time to myself before I followed in all my brothers’ footsteps.”
“By getting married?” she asked quietly.
I shrugged. “Yeah, but not just that. It was also supposed to be my last hurrah before I settled down in Westwood and Sons and moved out of the Manor.”
“The Manor?”
“My family home.” I shook my head. “I just felt like I needed a few months to myself before I really grew up, you know? At first, I thought it was to prove something to myself. Maybe to prove that I was more than just the guy everyone expected me to be.”
Raquel’s expression softened just a little bit. “You definitely are more than that, Theo.”
“Thanks, but I’m also starting to wonder now if I might’ve been running away.
” The words tasted awful on my tongue, but they were true.
I just hadn’t wanted to look them in the eye until now because it was a shitty feeling, knowing what I’d done.
“I think I was, if I’m being honest. Running away from decisions I didn’t want to make and expectations I didn’t want to deal with. ”
My gaze drifted toward the windows, fixing on the outline of the first buildings of Quartz Pass in the distance.
I’d spent so many weeks pretending this place was real life and that I could stay.
Pretending Chicago didn’t exist and Alex wasn’t waiting.
Pretending that the future wasn’t coming for me whether I was ready for it or not.
“Being here felt good,” I admitted. “I wasn’t faking how much I’ve enjoyed my time in town or how much I’ve loved getting to know you.”
She averted her gaze. “Yeah, it’s been fun.”
“It has. I just wish my childish antics hadn’t dragged you into the world I was trying to escape. I’m really sorry about that, Raquel. Truly. I didn’t mean for my world to come all the way out here and bite you in the ass.”
“You’re not childish, Theo.” She finally brought her eyes back to mine.
“As much as I hate saying it, I kind of get where you’re coming from.
The idea of just putting it all behind you and being faced with nothing but the open road must’ve felt so liberating.
Especially considering all the pressure it sounds like you’re under back home. ”
“Yeah,” I said softly, lowering my head into my hands. “Unfortunately, I was always going to have to go back, fall in line, and get married like all my brothers and my sister before me. It was a pipe dream to believe otherwise and a delusional one at that.”
“Why?” she asked with the merest hint of desperation in her tone. “If you hate it there so much?—”
“I don’t hate it,” I said, cutting her off because I’d given her enough false hope.
I didn’t need to add any more. “I know what my family must sound like to you, but they’re not bad people and our lives are not terrible.
We’re not tragically oppressed by our crazy traditions, and honestly, I know it might sound like I’ve lost my mind, but even the arranged marriage thing makes sense once you understand the rationale behind it. ”
“Right.” She folded her arms a little tighter around herself. “That’s what I keep hearing, but you must’ve been hiding out here for a reason, and a week ago, you were seriously talking about staying. Now you’re saying that was never an option?”
I finally lifted my head out of my hands and looked her right in the eyes.
“I wanted it to be an option so bad that I fooled myself into thinking that it was, but I can’t stay.
If I do, that’s it. I’m out. There are rules about this kind of thing and I thought I could live with the consequences of breaking them, but I can’t. ”
“Rules?” She scoffed. “I thought you said your family aren’t bad people, but if that was true, you wouldn’t have to be worried about breaking whatever made-up rules they have about living someplace other than Chicago.”
“They’re not made up and it’s not about living in Chicago,” I said gently. “Generations ago, these rules were written into legal documents. My family has some leeway to give, which is how I’m even here in the first place, but there’s only so much they can do.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that I can’t turn my back on my entire family, and if I stay here, that’s what I would be doing. I really am sorry, but I’m not built that way. My mom…”
My eyes slid shut as I thought about her. She’d always taught us that family was the most important thing. She’d wanted nothing more than for her children to stay close, to love each other, and to show up for one another.
God, she would’ve loved Raquel. The thought came out of nowhere, but it was true. She would’ve adored her for her stubbornness, her loyalty, her work ethic, and how she loves her family so fiercely.
“My mom would’ve taken one look at you and started planning grandchildren,” I said, my chest aching as it dawned on me once again that Mom wasn’t here anymore and that she never would be again.
It’d always amazed me that no matter how long it’d been, these intense waves of grief could hit out of the blue and take my breath away all over again.
“Maybe if she was still with us, things could’ve been different, but she’s not and she would be devastated if one of us just disappeared on the others. I can’t do that, Raquel. I just can’t.”
She sucked in a sharp breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I mean, I suspected, but you’ve never come right out and said it.”
“It wouldn’t have made any difference to your situation or mine.
” I knew it wasn’t much of an explanation, but it was also all I had to give.
“Our mom loved us more than anything. When she died, I think we all just kind of promised ourselves that we’d stay together.
No matter where life took us or for how long, nobody ever stays away.
Even my brother who lives in England now visits often.
Sometimes even just to attend a family dinner. ”
“So there are the rules, then there’s the loyalty to your mother’s memory,” she murmured. “Is that what you’re saying?”
“It’s complicated, I know, but yes. That’s what I’m saying. It’s not just one thing or another. It’s everything. I guess it just took Avery throwing it all in my face to realize that, ultimately, I don’t belong here. Even if losing you is the last thing I want.”
There was no sentence in the English language capable of making this okay, but I tried anyway, needing to be honest with her no matter how painful or pathetic it sounded.
“My feelings for you are real. All of it was real. It is real, but so is the fact that we’re from different worlds. I wish that wasn’t true, but it is.”
Her throat worked and I could see she was trying not to cry, but she still brought her eyes to mine, a watery smile spreading on her lips. “I understand not being able to walk away from your family. Lord knows, I couldn’t do it. Especially not after our mom died.”
I finally stood up and took a few steps closer to her. “If there was any way I could stay, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I thought I might be able to find a way, but I just…”
“Can’t,” she finished for me when I trailed off. “It’s okay, Theo. I won’t pretend to understand everything that’s going on with your family, but deep down, I think we’ve both known all along that you weren’t going to be able to move your entire life here. We just didn’t want to admit it out loud.”
“I love you,” I murmured, taking another step closer and reaching for one of her hands. “I really don’t want this to end. I just don’t think we have any other choice.”
“We don’t.” She hooked her fingers around mine and squeezed them. “You have to go home and get married, and I have to stay here and take care of my family. Do you have any idea yet when you’re going to go? Frieda said something about packing today.”
“Yeah, I’m leaving in the morning. At first light.”
Raquel froze. I watched the finality of it hit her, but the bike was fixed, the trip was over, and the fantasy was ending. Drawing it out any longer would only be cruel to both of us.
Her eyes closed briefly, shining with fresh tears when they opened again. The way she was looking at me threatened to bring me to my knees. I’d really never felt this way about anyone and I doubted I ever would again.
I’d legitimately ride my bike off a cliff for her. I’d happily plunge to my death or burn down the world if she needed me to. The only thing I wouldn’t do was abandon my family, and unfortunately, that was what it would take to stay here.
She stared up at me for several long seconds, using her grip on my hand to tug me a little closer. “I understand.”
Another tear slid down her cheek and she used her free hand to wipe it away before she spoke again, her voice barely above a whisper.
“I’m the last person on earth you need to explain loyalty to your family to, Theo.
I’ve practically built my life around mine, so just know that I forgive you, okay? I don’t regret our time together.”
My chest squeezed so tight that it was hard to breathe. “Neither do I. I don’t regret a single second.”
She stepped forward, rose to her toes, and kissed me. It was a definite goodbye, wrapped up in forgiveness, love, and so many dreams we’d never get to build together, but for one moment, I let myself pretend it wasn’t the end.
I hooked an arm around her hips and pulled her closer, needing her to know before I left here that I would never forget her. I might be leaving first thing in the morning, but my heart would be staying right here, locked up tight in her chest, no matter what might happen next.