9. Gigi
CHAPTER 9
Gigi
A MONTH LATER
My phone rings for the fourth time. Looking at the caller ID, I exhale a long breath. Time to face the music, Gigi. The same damn music that’s been playing for months.
“Hey, Mom.” I try to sound as unbothered as possible. “What’s up?”
“Giuliana Bankowski,” she says my name in her Mom tone. “Why haven’t you been answering my calls and replying to my messages?” Because I know what you’re going to ask me.
“I’ve been busy, Mom. Sorry. What do you need?”
I can practically hear the fumes coming out of her ears. “Do I have to need something from my daughter to be in contact with her?”
My heart aches hearing her voice. There was a time when we used to be closer than we are now. It’s all my fault. My mother, bless her soul, coddled me after Andrew died. She wouldn’t stop calling, wouldn’t stop texting. She meant well, I know she did, but at some point I just couldn’t handle it anymore.
“No, Mammina ,” I say with a faint smile on my face. “You can call me anytime. I’ve just been busy. I’m sorry. School has been crazy.”
“Thank God for spring break, huh?” There it is. “Have you decided on what you’re going to do yet?”
Think of happy thoughts, Gigi. Picture the ocean. Picture the park.
My mind betrays me. The brain is a creature of habit. Although I’ve tried to abandon the last part of my mantra, mental pictures of Andrew play in my head, and this time it’s not a good one. It’s of him in Marble Crest. At that party. In that house. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Turn it off.
I open my eyes, not realizing that I closed them. My visions blurs from unshed tears. I was doing so well.
“I, uh, might go to Dad’s,” I blurt out immediately. “I don’t know yet. Or I might stay here.” A few of the girls in my dorm wing mentioned staying on campus for the break. Apparently special arrangements can be made. All you have to do is pay a little extra. I might ask them about it.
My mom sighs and hearing it makes me feel guilty. I’ve changed. She knows it. I know it. I don’t know if I can be the old Gigi again. I don’t know if she likes the new version of me. I’m quieter, but that’s what happens when your boyfriend makes long-term plans with you and then chooses death instead. You change.
“Mom?” I ask when she doesn’t say anything.
“I miss you, Giuliana.”
“You saw me last month when you came for a visit,” I say in a more upbeat tone, trying to cheer her up. “We can meet in the middle if you’d like.”
“I want to see you for more than a day trip, honey.” She sighs again. “I know it’s…hard being back here. But this is your home, Gigi.”
I hold back my scream. I want to yell and break things. I lived in Kinsdale Springs for less than two years, and all of my memorable moments include Andrew—the good ones like when he took me out on our first date or the bad ones like our rough patch. I don’t think I can set foot within a one hundred mile radius of that town without exploding into tiny little fragments.
“I’ll think about it,” is all I manage to say regarding my upcoming spring break plan. “I have to go. My friends are waiting for me. Love you, Mom.”
“I love you.” Her tone is soft and loving, and listening to her voice makes me wish that I wasn’t like this. Scared of Andrew’s memories. Scared of the what-ifs . I used to be a tough kid once upon a time. Will I ever become that person again?
Think of happy thoughts, Gigi.
I examine my face in the mirror. After running a hand through my hair and tidying up the mascara smudge, I close the door to my dorm room and drag myself to lunch.
“Yo, over here!” Zach screams as he waves a hand. Next to him is Zoey, as well his roommate, Kevin.
“Sorry, I’m late,” I say, putting my tray down next to Zach’s. “Mom called.”
“How’s Bianca?” Zoey asks in between chews.
“Fine.” I guess a one-word answer is not enough for the three of them, because six eyes are watching me take a bite out of my wrap. “She was asking about my spring break plans.”
“You need a ride back home, Gigi?” Zach offers, knowing that I don’t have a car. There was no point in getting one since everything important in Kinsdale Springs was within walking distance and Andrew was planning to drive me everywhere in college. “Or will you be going with your brother?”
The thought of Lucas Palmer makes me lose my appetite. Or rather, the thought of what he said to me. How dare he accuse me of something that he knows nothing of? Never mind getting to know me, Luke was too busy enjoying his fucking freshman and sophomore years to even hang out with Andrew. And suddenly he wants to act like he had a front-row seat to our relationship? How Becca and Luke are blood-related, I have no clue. She’s so cute, and he’s the embodiment of a gloomy day, if the gloomy day ingested some downers.
“I might stay here.”
The three of them look at one another. It’s Zoey who finally says something. “Kai’s parents are going to Canada for a month to visit his mom’s side of the family. We’re planning on staying at their new house for spring break. You want to tag along? His family inherited a farm, and they want to turn it into a bougie version of agritourism or something like that.”
“Is Luke going to be there?” I ask, risking a glance to the other corner of the hall where he’s sitting, hiding his bad attitude under a baseball cap. The upside of Zoey dating Kai is that she’s happy. The downside of it is that Kai is Luke’s best friend. Lucky for me, Luke doesn’t seem to care much for daylight hangouts, only emerging like Satan himself during nighttime. I can work with that.
“I don’t think so,” she answers. “He asked about you last week.”
“He has my number. He can reach out to me himself.” I’m done making an effort with him when all I get is the cold shoulder.
“What happened between you and your stepbrother again?” Zach asks, clueless about the situation.
Now the three of them turn their heads to Luke. “It’s amazing how girls in our neighborhood kept pestering me about him when I moved into his house,” I say, narrowing my eyes. “When I started school, I realized the issue wasn’t zip code specific. Apparently that’s his charm—being a jackass. They all said he was mysterious and aloof. I say he’s a dick.” I can’t argue with the fact that he’s cute, though, if you’re into the dismissive gazes and one-sided conversations that come along with his handsome face.
“Speaking of charming boys and someone asking about you,” Zach says with a grin. “I know someone who would be perfect for you.” Kevin is shaking his head, laughing. It’s common knowledge in our friend group that Zach is hellbent on finding me a husband.
“I’ll pass this time, Zach. But thank you.”
They say grief comes in waves. If that’s true, the conversation with my mom today was like a tide pulling me under. I might have been on a few dates, but after today, after that call, all I can think of is him. My first love.
A sudden pang of anxiety hits me. Will my love life always be like this? Will I always take one step back every time I think about Andrew?