32. Luke
CHAPTER 32
Luke
Every time I come home, one thing always comes to mind during my first night—I miss my old life.
Not the one after the fire, but the one from before. The one where we haven’t moved to Kinsdale Springs yet because even though we didn’t live in a mansion, we had everything we needed. The one where Dad was gone a lot, but he was still a father figure. The one where we had big family gatherings, my mother was still alive, and my biggest problem was a baby sister who wouldn’t stop crying.
Now, I only see my relatives when I go to church at Marble Crest instead of at family barbecues. Although the building that burned down was able to be renovated, the graveyard next to it serves as a reminder that almost all the Palmers died that day.
Closing my eyes shut, I try my best to let the anger leave my body. I toss and turn when I realize that nothing is working. My family’s ghosts are not leaving me tonight, and one in particular is haunting me with every force imaginable. The one with the newest tombstone.
Before I even register what I’m doing, I’m walking up the dark staircase. Snores from Bianca and Dad’s room can be heard and I breathe a little better. When I see warm light seeping through under the door of my old room, I open it without knocking.
“Can’t sleep?” I ask without looking at Gigi, closing the door and locking it.
“Nope,” she says, her voice breaking. When I turn around, I find my girlfriend trying her best to get out of the fetal position she’s in.
“You’re thinking about him, huh?”
Gigi’s eyes widen before looking away. “I didn’t w?—”
Sighing, I turn the light switch off, turning the whole room pitch black. “It’s your first time back, Gi,” I say as I pull the covers and join her on the bed. “You’re allowed to think about him.”
I lay next to her with one hand under my head and the other one in my pocket. The ceiling looks dark from down here, different from my childhood bedroom where Andrew and I jumped around and stuck glow-in-the-dark dinosaur stickers all over the room.
Gigi scoots closer to me, her fingers going through my hair that definitely needs some trimming. I haven’t let them get cut ever since she told me she prefers my hair a little longer over my old go-to buzz cut. I take her hand in mine and pull her closer to me.
“You probably know about the fire,” I say, trying to keep my voice calm despite the panic brewing inside of me. I’ve never told anyone about this. It was a need-to-know basis, and the ones who knew didn’t find out because I had a heart-to-heart session with them. “My dad drank a lot after that. He needed an outlet, I guess. He stopped the drinking at some point, but he didn’t like it every time I brought up our relatives. A part of me hates him for being absent, but another part of me gets it. He wants to block the noise out. I know because they’re always there, in the back of my mind. Andrew and I used to visit their graves all the time, but he isn’t here this time around and Becca doesn’t remember them.” I feel wetness on the crook of my neck where her face is resting. “I’m not telling you this so that you feel sorry for me, Gi. I’m telling you this because it’s normal for you to think about him.” Ignoring the stabbing pain in my chest, I press my lips to the tip of her nose and close my eyes. “Blocking things out won’t solve your problems. I’d rather have you tell me that you’re thinking about him than you becoming my father.”
“Will you tell me about them?” she asks softly, surprising me. “What they were like?”
“You really want to know about my family?” I lift my head up, disbelieving. People usually just try to pump me out for juicy fucking details about the fire. Gossipers are the reason why I only talked to Andrew about the Palmers.
“I do.”
“Aunt Vanessa was Dad’s twin. I used to call her twin daughters spawns of Satan.” Sweet little Cathleen and Mary . “She was the only girl in the family. The rest were sons. They were all younger than Dad, so their children were younger than me.” All still in primary school. “Uncle Mike was an only child, so Andrew didn’t have any first cousins.” I swallow the lump in my throat before continuing. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you about Mom. The whole family didn’t really like her because she thinks churches are overt cults.” Blowing out a breath, I feel my heart hammering in my chest. “She was so pretty, Gi. Becca looks just like her.”
“You’re okay, Luke. Think of happy thoughts,” she whispers.
Mom reading me a book before bedtime.
“And then there were the grandmas. They were widowed, bored out of their fucking minds. They were also twins, my grandma and Andrew’s. They used to dress us up in matching outfits and pretend that we were twins, too. It was insane. I think they were just looking for attention. Two similar-looking little boys with two identical grandmas.” I chuckle at the memory of the four of us eating ice cream together most Sundays. Fuck. I lift my other arm that’s not hugging Gigi, resting the palm of my hand on my eyes. “I loved them all, Gi.” A confession years too fucking late. If I had a chance to see each and every one of them again, I would tell them.
Think of happy thoughts, Luke.
But nobody is lucky enough to be able to speak to the dead, so I rasp out the words to the one that’s still breathing instead. The one person who’s been hijacking my brain when I try to think of happy thoughts. “I love you.”
Gigi stiffens in my arms. I kiss her forehead to calm her down. “I’m not even going to fucking pretend that I’m not a consolation prize. If Andrew were here, it would be him on this bed instead of me. But I can’t help how I feel. You don’t have to say it back.” I don’t need to hear it, I just need her to goddamn know. Nobody knows what’s going to happen tomorrow.
“I love you. I’m falling so hard the thought of you leaving me one day scares me.” With the moonlight shining through the window, I can see that her eyes are glassy. “And I think,” she drawls out her words in whispers and then pauses, her breath shaky. “You’re nobody’s consolation prize, Luke.”
When she kisses me, I feel the smile on her face that makes me almost believe her.