33. nick
NICK
NEEDY. PATHETIC. INSECURE.
I stumbled outside of my bedroom door, heart lurching in my chest. There was a faint ringing from inside my room. The ringing stopped, Tallulah’s voice was muffled. “Hello?”
I was so cold. It was like I’d swallowed ice cubes, the iciness spreading through my veins. Fridge and Tallulah had been at an impasse for months. Did I repair their relationship?
Would Tallulah accept his apology and…?
I had to do something, I needed a reason to go into the bedroom, to listen to the conversation. My movements were jerky and uncoordinated, I felt sick. I returned to the laundry room, grabbing half of the laundry out of the dryer for an excuse.
I ran back upstairs and stalled in front of my bedroom, fighting to appear casual. Eyes locked on the hamper, I nudged open the door.
Fridge was talking. I couldn’t pick out words, but I could hear his voice over the phone. What the hell was he saying?
I folded laundry—or tried to. My hands wouldn’t work right. I might as well have tossed the laundry out the window for the effort I was making. I couldn’t focus on anything except the mutters over the phone.
I stole a look at Tallulah. She sat against the headboard, her knees drawn to her chest, nodding along to the call. I couldn’t place that look on her face. She looked…tired? Maybe? I didn’t know, I wasn’t sure. I studied her for a beat too long and her dark eyes slid to mine.
I froze. Caught.
Neither of us glanced away.
Slowly, I mouthed my words. “Do you want me to leave?”
Tallulah shook her head.
Which meant what?
Her attention returned to the call, her voice soft. “We’re all human.”
The gentleness of her words left me with more questions.
Tallulah was a naturally kind person. Was she being nice?
Did her words mean something more? Fuck it.
I couldn’t pretend to fold laundry anymore.
I set aside the basket and stretched out on the bed.
The distance was too big between us. I moved across, laying my head beside her hip.
Needy. Pathetic. Insecure.
I was mentally teetering on the edge, afraid that she’d wake up and realize being with me wasn’t what she wanted. I crossed my fingers, selfishly hoping she’d end the call early.
The worst part was the apologies from Fridge. I couldn’t discern them, but they were authentic. Fridge knew what he did was wrong. If Tallulah gave him another chance, my best friend would rise to the occasion. He’d do everything better the second time.
Fridge wasn’t irredeemable. He could fix this, make Tallulah feel appreciated. If she gave him the chance, he’d earn his redemption.
And I was hoping that she’d crush that request once and for all.
Please, don’t take him back.
I pressed my cheek against her bare thigh, catching the end of her pink shorts. I wasn’t trying anything, I just needed to touch her. Clingy. Desperate. My stomach was sinking so fast, the hurt was all-consuming—
Something touched my hair. I thought it was Rat until I realized it was Tallulah’s fingers grazing the nape of my neck. I stiffened in surprise. Gently, Tallulah stroked my hair, her fingernails drawing lines along my scalp.
A shiver ran through my body. I stayed as still as possible, barely breathing. Maybe this was like an anxiety thing, something involuntary she didn’t realize she was doing.
“It wasn’t only on you,” Tallulah assured Fridge. “I didn’t know how to have a real conversation about the things I needed. I think…maybe, I still don’t. I’m figuring that out.”
More mutters over the phone.
“I don’t think another relationship would benefit either of us,” Tallulah admitted. “I’m sure the apology is sincere, I just don’t think…we are what each other needs?” Tallulah ran her thumb along my ear. “I’d like to be friends. If that’s okay?”
Friends.
Fucking friends.
I could breathe again, there was air in my lungs. Had I ever breathed before? Had I been living the last twenty-one years suffocated?
Fridge wasn’t an issue. He didn’t have to be a worry at the edge of my thoughts. My best friend would stay my best friend and Tallulah could be mine. The resentment was gone—poof.
With goodbyes, the call ended and Tallulah’s voice was a whisper. “I can’t believe I did that.”
“Did what?” I said, my voice hoarse.
If Tallulah noticed, she didn’t mention it.
“I don’t know. I—I listened to Fridge’s apology, listened to what he said, I did, and in the moment, I wanted to make him happy.
To say, okay, let’s get back together. And…
I didn’t give into that impulse.” She made a sound, a surprised draw of breath.
“I was open with him, honest with him, but I did what I wanted. I think…I’m getting better at boundaries? ”
“That’s good. That’s so good.”
“I feel exhausted,” she admitted. “Am I supposed to be exhausted?”
Well, I felt like I’d magically walked away unscathed from a car accident, so I couldn’t say.
Looping an arm around her waist, I pulled her to lay down with me. “Come here, sweetheart.” In seconds, I flipped over to lay her on top of me, my face buried in her neck. “You just rest, okay?”
“I don't know how to explain it,” she whispered. “I like how I feel around you, Nick.”
My heart skipped a beat. “Yeah?”
“You make me feel…bold,” she said, trying out the word. “Steadfast. Unwavering.”
I pressed my lips to her throat, holding her close. I didn’t know how to acknowledge the relief burning inside me. Didn’t know how to talk to her about it. How to point it out, this relief that was so big, it overwhelmed me.
So I did the only thing I was good at. I made a joke. “Unwavering? Do you get paid per syllable?”
Tallulah burst into giggles, kissing my hair, and I squeezed her tight, sliding my hands up her back.
I wanted to say more. To say something better. Maybe Tallulah could sense that from me. Maybe she could feel it in the way I pressed my lips to her throat, holding her close. Could she?
Fuck. We were over halfway through the summer. I wanted Tallulah to know me and to really see me. To understand the things that were impossible for me to say.
The sound of my phone ringing ended the peaceful silence.
It was obvious who was calling—Fridge. He knew my schedule, knew I was at home. Shit. I pulled away from Tallulah, taking my phone from my back pocket.
I gazed at Tallulah, conflicted in so many ways.
“You can answer,” she whispered.
“I’ll call him later—”
“It’s okay, Nick.”
I hesitated. “I…don’t want to hurt you, Tallulah.”
“You won’t hurt me.”
Maybe this was a good thing. The final string to cut if Tallulah heard that Fridge was over her. I chewed the inside of my cheek and threaded my fingers through her hair, holding her to my chest before I answered the call.
I swallowed. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Fridge sighed. “So, uh, I said sorry to Tallulah…”
“That’s good, isn’t it?”
“I didn’t mean to hurt her, Nick.”
“I know.”
“No. You don’t. We—uh—we need to talk. You and me.”
I squeezed Tallulah closer, a possessive arm over her. “About what?”
“I don’t want you to think that I—”
“I don’t think anything, Fridge.”
“Nick.” Fridge waited for me to be quiet, and when I did, I heard the uncomfortable twinge in his voice. “I couldn’t get Tallulah to finish from oral. I tried for so long—it was really fucking embarrassing. It is fucking embarrassing.”
“I—uh—oh.”
“Tallulah started introducing heavier stuff to overcompensate, and I’m not—” He heaved a hard sigh.
“I’m the most vanilla fucking guy you’ve ever met.
I can’t choke a girl! I can’t do it! Do you know how many strokes happen from that?
Do you know how many women get brain damage from that?
I don’t want to hurt anybody—I don’t even want to pretend to. ”
“Uh, yeah.” I fumbled for something to say. “I can…see that.”
“Then Tallulah brought out her bucket list. She had oral sex already crossed off. Like ‘hey, you’re a failure, we both know it, stop trying.’ I can’t remember what else was on the list, but it wasn’t stuff I’m cool with.
I couldn’t…fuck. But I was her first boyfriend!
I wanted her to have the upper hand, I wanted her to break up with me!
” He hesitated. “Hockey season was fucking crazy. I just ignored it, until she finally ended things, and we went our separate ways. And everything was fine, until I…got the phone call.”
Something changed in his last few words, a cryptic tone in his voice. “What phone call?”
“Well—uh—” Fridge cleared his throat, his usual self-confident tone gone. “I—I got a call from the…Cali Firebirds.”
Suddenly, Fridge wasn’t the friend I’d resented for dating my crush, he wasn’t the guy on the other end of Tallulah’s relationship problems, he wasn’t even the dude interrupting my alone time with her.
He was my best friend again. I was fucking excited for him.
I squeezed Tallulah tight, an impossible grin crossing my face. “The fucking Los Angeles Firebirds?! Are you fucking serious?!”
“I’m serious,” he said. I could hear the grin in his voice too, embarrassed. “I wanted to tell you so fucking bad, but Sémajuste refused to let me tell anybody. Denali doesn’t even know.”
“Wait, you’re leaving?”
“No, no, dude, of course not,” Fridge assured me. “I want to play with the Gladiators for another year, my cousin’s getting settled in at school, and…I don’t know. I’ve never been on my own before. I know it’s stupid—”
“I don’t think it’s stupid,” I interjected. “I think it’s fucking amazing, the Firebirds called you.”
“They said they’d wait until I graduate,” he said. “And I thought…well…that’s why I wanted to get back together with Tallulah.”
My eyes darted from the ceiling to Tallulah, gently pushing up, frowning at the phone in silent confusion. Neither of us knew what he was talking about.
“I’ve never been on my own before,” Fridge repeated awkwardly. “And these girls I’m hanging out with are nice, but Tallulah is wife material. So I thought…”
Holy fucking shit. Fridge wanted them to get back together because he wanted to take Tallulah to California.
Her mouth fell open. My fucking mouth fell open.
“I know Tallulah doesn’t want to leave Oklahoma, but we’re talking about California,” Fridge continued, unaware of how much he’d shocked his audience. “There’d be way more opportunities for her there—”
“She doesn’t want that,” I blurted out, and Tallulah’s eyes widened.
Fridge hesitated over the line. “You think so?”
“I know so,” I said firmly.
“Huh. Maybe. I don’t know, you’re probably right,” Fridge said, the first time he’d ever strung those words together.
“I thought after the summer we could get back together. Tallulah is one in a million. She’s loyal, caring, perfect WAG material.
Even if the sex wasn’t perfect, relationships are more than that. I could make her happy.”
I was shaking my head before I knew what I was doing, crushing Tallulah to me. The idea of Tallulah leaving was too much. I tucked her under my chin, refusing to let her go.
“Nick?” Fridge asked.
I opened my mouth to speak, and nothing came out.
Tallulah nestled against me, her body moving against mine, hugging me back, pressing her cheek to my chest.
I took a shallow breath. “It…just wasn’t meant to happen with you two.”
“Yeah. You’re right,” Fridge said. “Sorry for making this your problem, man.”
“You’re fine.”
“Next time you have an issue with a girl…I promise I’m better at helping other people than I am with my own problems.”
“I won’t need help,” I managed.
“Oh, I forgot.” Fridge chuckled. “How’s that one girl you’re talking to? Is that still going on?”
Tallulah moved, her hair cascading over my hand.
She gazed at me, her brown eyes soft. Gently, I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
I was so careful with her, because I was all too aware that we’d been so close to her making a decision to go to California.
It didn’t matter if it was a definite no now. Things could’ve been so different then.
Things could’ve been so much worse. I would’ve had to say goodbye.
“Still going on,” I whispered.
“I can’t picture you with one girl,” Fridge admitted.
“It’s been easy. She makes it easy. She’s better than every fantasy I could’ve dreamed of.”
“Well, at least one of us figured it out.”
I nodded along as he talked about his cousin, unable to take my eyes off of Tallulah. The truth was, I did figure it out. Tallulah was my answer.
How could I prove it to her? The summer was ending too quickly, and now that Fridge was out of the picture for good, the possibilities whirled in my mind. I wanted Tallulah to want me like I wanted her, I wanted to be her answer too.
We needed to get my bucket list back on track.