Chapter 26
26
ZARA
Two hours have passed, and I assume it’s safe to go home.
I stare out to the ocean one last time, memories playing through my mind of Penny and me sitting here as teenagers, planning our lives, discussing colleges and our dreams. Then there were the difficult times when guys treated us like crap, and we needed the calm the Cabrillo Tidepools provided.
The sun is directly above me. The warmth touches my skin yet fails to warm my heart. I am cold inside. Lifeless.
My friend is gone. We didn’t get to see each other before Christmas, even though we made peace. I mull over her words in my head. Her warnings of Jobe and what she was implying without trying to hurt me. She was being a good friend. I’ve had days to think about it, and she was right. Sex is not a foundation to build a relationship on, especially when we have nothing else in common.
“Hey. ”
I turn, not expecting to see Penny. But then, as best friends, we always had a sense when one of our lives turned to crap—the other would know, and we would find each other here.
“Hey,” I murmur. “I was about to go home and be ready for you when you arrived.”
She’s panting a little from the one-mile hike up from the parking lot. She squats down on the rock beside me and removes her Jimmy Choo boots, hiking up the hem of her Armani skirt. I know the designers as I went on a shopping spree with her after she married Franklin, the first time she allowed herself to splurge.
Her bare feet dangle in the shallow water alongside mine as we stare out over the ocean, something we have done many times together.
“You’re avoiding Jobe,” she whispers. “He’s worried about you.”
I nod. “Remember the times when we knew someone wasn’t right for us?” I begin. “So we rip off the Band-Aid, the pain at its worst in the beginning, but then you heal?” She stares at me, but I don’t turn to meet her caring eyes. I need to finish telling her everything, even if it hurts. “It’s what I do. Why I rushed off to London even though it pained me to be away from you and Hugh. And that I wouldn’t get to see Summer for a while. In my heart, I needed a year to sort out my life, go somewhere new, be someone different.”
“Has it worked out for you?” she murmurs.
“It did for a while. Then Jobe happened. Completely unexpected.” This time, I meet her gaze. “I fell for him.” I see the shock in her eyes. “We weren’t faking it.” I make a noise in my throat and shake my head, feeling like an idiot. “We both know what an ass he is and that he’ll never commit to one person. But I saw a different man. A kind, caring man, and yeah, all those rumors were true. ”
“Eww.”
I smile and look out to the sea and not at my friend. “We were good together. Only before I left, Piper and I had a misunderstanding. She attempted to warn me about Jobe. Mentioned people were talking about my preferential treatment at work. Questioned me about our relationship and if we had long and meaningful discussions. Of course, we never do. We’re different, and I can’t think of a single thing we have in common except we both like being single, and we love dining out, and sex fuels our souls. And neither of us…” I hesitate. I’ve never had the courage to tell Penny this before. “Neither of us wants children.”
She stares at me. “Oh. You never want…”
I shake my head. “Please don’t tell me that I just need to meet the right guy. I couldn’t bear you not believing me.”
“It’s… I won’t. There’s nothing wrong with being different. Many men don’t want to be with someone who is the female version of themselves. They need an escape and appreciate the difference. And I never thought you liked being single. You have grown to accept it. Even in school, you loved being in a relationship. What I disagreed with was how you tried to change yourself to be more of what the guy preferred in a relationship.”
Her green eyes hold understanding. Penny gets me.
“Have you changed for Jobe in any way?”
I shake my head. “But it’s pointless. It’s not going anywhere. I’m not a fool to believe he’ll settle for me. It hurts a lot. Even now. But time will heal the hurt. It just sucks that it’s a double hit with Piper.” My throat burns thinking about her. Tears fall onto my cheeks, and I swipe them away. “She was my closest friend in London, and I’m not sure I want to go back.”
Penny places her arm around me and pulls me close to her side, leaning her head on my shoulder. “I’m here for you.”
“I’m also late.”
She lifts her head. “What?”
“I’ve been vomiting, and I assumed it was stress, and then I realized I’m late .”
She takes my hand and squeezes it. “What are you going to do?”
I shake my head. “Pray I’m not pregnant. I’m not ready, Pen. I’m not like you. And I’m not sure I’d even tell Jobe.”
“Whatever happens, you’ll have all of our support.”
More tears blur my eyes. “Thank you.”
“We’re not going to do this. Worry about something unnecessarily. We’re getting a test now. ” She stands and holds out her hand. “I’m doing this with you.”
“Are you going to pee on the stick for me?” We both giggle.
“No,” she says, pulling me to my feet. “But I’ll be there when you see the result. I’ll always be by your side when you need me. Always.”
Penny keeps an arm around me as we walk back to the cars. “I’ll buy the pregnancy kit and meet you back at Mom’s.” She hugs me before opening the door of her Bentley.
On the drive to Penny’s San Diego home, where I spent most of my childhood, I bite my nails and imagine the worst outcome. What will I do if I’m… no. Stop. I need to push out the thoughts until I know the result.
I park the car and wave to Penny’s parents who are outside with Summer enjoying the winter sunshine. Penny meets me at the gate. “We’ll talk to them later,” she whispers. “We’ll head upstairs to the bathroom.” She turns to her parents. “Zara and I will chat with you soon. She needs the restroom. ”
“Sorry,” I call back and follow Penny up the stairs, the brown paper bag in her grasp. She hands it to me before I shut the bathroom door. This is not my first rodeo. Penny and I have tested on many occasions, often when we were panicked in our early twenties at being a day late.
She knocks on the door as I’m washing my hands, and I open it for her. We sit on the floor with the stick between us.
“How many days late are you?”
This is the part where we stare at each other and chat rather than watch the stick for any change while the timer ticks away.
“I think a week. Ten days, maybe.”
She nods, holding my gaze. “Have you any other symptoms?”
“Vomiting. I was ill recently and had antibiotics. But then when we, you know, the timing doesn’t align.”
She arches her brow. “So it happened more than a couple of times…”
I lower my gaze. “If you call it a couple of times a night, then yeah.”
“Oh my fucking God,” she whispers.
I peer up, and our eyes meet. “I’m sorry, Pen. I should’ve told you.”
She reaches and takes my hand. “It’s fine. I know he’s a charmer. Most girls can’t resist him.”
“I could. I did. But then he…” I shrug. “He was nice to me. And I hated that I fell because I remember how much of an ass he was to you when you first met Frank.”
She giggles. “Yeah, but he really is a gentle soul when you get to know him.” She narrows her eyes. “Does Frank know?”
“I don’t think so.” I close my eyes momentarily and open them again. “This is one way to take my mind off Piper. It’s weird that I had an image in my head of holding a baby girl, and I named her Piper. But I know it’s because I want to honor Piper and not because I want a baby.”
She lowers her gaze and then looks at me and shakes her head. “You can honor her in other ways.” She holds up the stick. “You’re not pregnant, Zara.”
I throw myself at her, and she hugs me. I cry quietly onto her shoulder. “Finally, some good news.”
She pats my back. “We would have figured it out.” We stay like this for a few more seconds. “Now what?”
When I arrive home from Penny’s, I find my parents sitting on the couch watching a basketball game. “Franklin’s team, the LA Sharks, are playing,” Dad tells me.
I nod. “That’s great. Are they winning?” I ask, even though I’ve never been interested in sports. Neither were my parents, but since my best friend’s husband’s family owns the team, they have supported them. I guess Penny’s excitement has rubbed off on them.
My cell vibrates with a message. George.
Hi Zara. Piper’s funeral is on Friday. I’m not sure if you’ll be back here but I thought you would want to know.
The air freezes in my lungs.
Thank you. I will be attending. You know how much I loved her.
“You had a visitor,” Dad announces. “Jobe Hendricks came by to see you.” Dad is studying me.
I nod again. “Yeah, he’s a nice friend, ” I emphasize. “I’ll catch up with him another time.” I sit with my parents on the couch. “Do you mind turning the television off? I need to talk with you.”
“Of course, love.” Mom and Dad stare at me. “What is it?”
“I’m struggling to accept I’ll never see my friend, Piper, again.” My throat burns again as the tears fall easily. I don’t have to do much. It’s like a faucet, one thought, and the water flows. “Her funeral is on Friday, and I want to attend. It means leaving early.”
Mom places her arms around my waist. Her head pushed into my chest. “We understand, honey. I have loved having you home, but you also need closure.”
“The problem is I don’t know if I want to stay… I promised myself a year to make something of a career for myself, discover a new country, and find myself. Now, going back there, it will remind me of her. Everything we did together, and it’s going to hurt. I don’t know if I can,” I rasp out the last words.
“You’re stronger than you give yourself credit, my girl. You can do this. Take it month by month. It’s going to hurt, but you don’t want to forget your friend either.”
I nod at Dad and wipe away the tears.
“I agree with your father. While I would prefer you to be in the States, I’m so proud you have traveled abroad and are doing things outside your comfort zone.”
I snort. “It was hard as I was never brave.”
“You are. You need to do this for yourself. Set goals. Book a flight home for Mother’s Day. That way, you have something to look forward to and then you can reassess after that.”
I nod. “Sienna and Hugh’s baby is due next week. I’m going to miss it. So I’ll be able to see their baby in May.”
“You can’t put your life on hold for other people,” Dad offers gently. “Your friends will be here when you come home.”
Another three hours until we land.
It’s been a long flight, preparing myself for the funeral. I haven’t spoken to Jobe. While I feel bad for ignoring his calls, I sent him a text telling him I’m okay, but I think it’s best not to see each other for now. I need time, and I hope he understands by giving me space. What I didn’t tell him is that I’m devastated he’s incapable of settling down with me, and my heart just doesn’t need any more reason to ache right now.
I’ll make plans to move out after I chat with George and see if he knows of anyone needing someone to share since George seems to know everyone.
I have thought about work and keeping my association with Jobe at a professional level. I don’t need to see him, and hopefully, his visits will remain once a month.
Closing my eyes, I try to get some sleep for the last part of the flight, but all I see is Piper’s beautiful smile and the way she used to play with her long blonde ponytail. I tell myself not to cry but cherish the fact I can still see her in my mind, and I never want to let her memory go.
International flights are crap, and arriving at six in the morning on the day of a funeral is the worst.
Jobe’s penthouse is oddly quiet. Someone has been here to clean the apartment, and the books on my bedside table are in a neat stack. It’s weird to have a stranger in my room, but if Jobe trusts someone, then I have no reason not to .
I just admitted to trusting his judgment. Trusting him. I’m not going to explore those thoughts and head to the shower to try and wake myself up instead of walking around, putting one foot in front of the other like a zombie.
After showering, I dab on some light makeup. Pointless, really, because as soon as I see everyone, I’ll lose it. I’m wearing a black dress to the knee, tight fitting, but I wore it out a couple of times with Piper, so I think it’s right for the day.
After calling an Uber, I head downstairs to wait. Inside the rideshare, I stare out the window, noting the buildings and places where I’ve visited or passed when I was with Piper. Tears pool and I somehow manage to push the emotion away.
We stop outside the church, and I head inside with a crowd of people I have never seen before. The church is full. The music is depressing and not what I believe Piper would choose for her funeral. Halfway along the aisles, I notice some people from work.
Slowly, I make my way along the side of the church, trying not to hear the sobs or notice people wiping their eyes. The coffin comes into view, and I stop walking, too scared to walk closer, knowing it will break my resolve.
In the front row, men and women huddle together. One glance and I can tell it’s Piper’s parents and grandparents and other family members by the wailing. Oh. My. Heart.
“Zara.” A whisper. I turn, and George discreetly waves me over to him. Lydia is on his other side. I slide into the seat beside him, he reaches out, takes my hand, and squeezes it. “I got you, babe.” His swollen red eyes hold mine before he looks to the front of the church, where a priest comes to stand. “She’d fucking hate this music,” he murmurs. “It’s killing me.”
“I thought the same thing. ”
He squeezes my hand again.
We listen to relatives speak about Piper’s life and her kind soul. While I didn’t know much about her life before we met, I know everything about her gentle soul. For the next half hour, I listen to prayers and words that cause my endless tears to flow. My throat burns, as do my eyes, and I’m not sure how much more sadness I can endure.
Some people choose to leave after the church service, but George, Lydia, and I are bundled up in our coats, gloves, and thick scarves to go to the cemetery.
It’s beautiful, with memorials lining some paths, some in the garden beds, and others with headstones. We are at a grave site, a gaping hole in the ground. The other graves are covered with grass surrounding the headstones. A rosebush with tiny yellow buds is in a pot at the end of the site.
We all gather around as the coffin is secured over the hole. The priest begins to speak, though I don’t hear a word. I’m forever wiping my eyes, my nose running like a river. I manage to keep the sobs quiet, sucking in each breath though it’s difficult listening to Piper’s mom’s cries over everyone else. George squeezes my gloved hand, and I bow my head. It’s too painful to watch. He squeezes again, a double squeeze, trying to alert me to something. I look at him, and he tips his head to the left. On the other side of the grave, to our left, Jobe is standing a few feet away from everyone else.
My heart stops.
He came.
He is wearing his standard black suit and white shirt with a long, tailored black coat over his suit and a black scarf draped around his neck. Jobe is all class, but as his eyes meet mine, I see the sadness even from here. It takes everything I have not to run into his arms.
Not here .
I don’t have the energy for more emotion.
Averting my gaze, I watch as they lower Piper’s coffin into the grave. The finality is too much. I let out a sob, and like a chain reaction, an echo of sobbing sounds around me. Then, we’re asked to come forward to throw a rose into the grave. There are red, white, and yellow roses.
“We should choose yellow,” George whispers. “It signifies friendship and love between friends.” I nod and take the rose, but the moment I look down, my head spins. It’s too much. I throw the rose into the grave, move to the back of the line, and squat down on my haunches. I need a minute.
“Zara.” His gentle hand rests on my shoulder. “Do you need me to take you home?” I glance up into Jobe’s bloodshot eyes and shake my head, forcing myself to stand. He places a soft hand on my lower back. “Take some deep breaths. It will help.”
The priest says a final word and welcomes everyone to a special room on the grounds. The crowd disperses until I’m left standing with Lydia, George, and Jobe.
“I’m going to have a drink for Piper. Are you all coming?” George asks.
Lydia nods. “I can for a while.”
Jobe looks at me, and I glance back to George. “I want to but, I don’t think I can. It was a long flight, and I’m struggling with it all. Can we do something special for her tomorrow night?”
“Of course.” He leans in and kisses my cheek, then shakes Jobe’s hand before he and Lydia follow behind the rest of Piper’s family and friends.
I turn to Jobe, and before I say anything, he wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his chest. I let go of everything and cry for a few minutes before I come up for air. “This is the first funeral I have attended for someone under eighty years of age,” I mumble. “It’s so unfair. She had everything to live for.”
“She really did. I have no doubt she would have been a close friend of yours for life, even across oceans. I wish it weren’t true, but that’s life. We know little of the sadness many families go through. Death is not only about old age. It’s why I choose to live my best life, for we never know our fate. What will happen tomorrow…”
“I’m going to miss her,” I sob again.
“I know. But I’ll be here for you for as long as you need me to stay.”
What?
I step away from him. “Jobe, I—” I shake my head. It would be easy to slide back into his arms, but it would make my broken heart even worse.
“Can we please go home and talk?”
I nod, but the last thing I want to do is talk. I need to sleep the entire weekend and when I wake up, I want this nightmare to be over.