Chapter 40
CHARLOTTE
One week later…
The majority of the players are on vacation with their families, so the offices are quieter than usual. I struggle to focus and check my cell every hour, hoping for a message from him.
Some days, I cry. Over the years, I have shed oceans of tears, and it’s running dry. My body goes through the process, and then there is nothing but a dry, scratchy throat. It hurts all the same.
Forcing myself out of the chair, I go to my favorite spot by the glass to look down at the court. There is an abundance of youth training, all with amazing potential and a dream to play in the NBA.
Where will they be in five years?
Where will I be?
I think about Brandon, and it’s enough to drive me back to my desk and focus on work before I fall into the black hole of dark thoughts where I can’t let my mind wander.
I’m grateful.
I’m fortunate.
I’ll do my best to adapt to the lonely.
New mantras.
After a long phone call with Violet, it opened my mind to positive manifestations.
In finding love, I need to learn to love from a distance, just like someone grieving.
I open my cell to send Brandon a short text as a reminder of what we have.
I love you, I miss you, I need you.
Delete.
I love you, I miss you. xx
Truth is, I need to be an island again.
Rely on no one but myself.
Protect my heart from the pain.
My cell dings, and hope builds.
Bella. A ball of disappointment falls in my stomach. It’s our girls’ message group. I close my eyes and remind myself to be positive.
I’m grateful to have my girls. There are more tragedies in the world than mine.
I’m fortunate. Thank you, universe.
I take a breath to open my mind to the words of positivity from my friends I struggle to accept.
Girls’ night at mine tonight. 7pm sharp. Don’t be late, bitches.
I let out a loud sigh. A fun night with my friends doesn’t feel right. Not when Brandon is suffering, unsure if his mom will survive the treatment.
It is also exactly what I need.
I’ll be there.
Then, I silence my phone before their responses completely distract me from work.
Bella opens the door to her apartment, and after my ears adapt to her scream of excitement, I’m hit with a divine aroma. She hugs me and steps aside to allow me to pass.
“What is that smell?”
“Ylang-ylang, peppermint, and wild orange in a diffuser. Well, multiple diffusers. Sexy and uplifting.” She winks at me.
“Sexy.” I roll my eyes. “It’s… refreshing and perfect for summer.”
“It’s my favorite.” I follow her inside, where Violet and Cassie sit at the counter, picking up food from a charcuterie board. Cassie cuts a piece of cheese and hands it to me.
“Try this, Lottie. It’s delicious.”
“Thanks.” I take the cracker and cheese from her fingers and drop them in my mouth. I close my eyes, savoring the taste. “What is the flavor?”
“Truffle honey cheese.”
“It’s good.”
I slide my rear onto a stool beside Violet as Bella pops a bottle of champagne. My stomach has been in knots since he left, and I’ve barely touched alcohol. “Only a small glass for me, please.”
“Vi and Cassie are sleeping in the spare room. You’re also welcome to stay over.”
“Thank you for the offer.” I smile at my friend. “I have a driver who will come and collect me when I need.”
She smirks at me. “Oh, the perks. The offer stands,” she says sincerely.
“You’re staying the night?” I ask Violet, then raise my hands. “No judgment.”
“This girl needs a good time,” she emphasizes by raising her glass. She clinks it against mine. “So do you.”
I nod, the despair filling my chest. “His mom is having surgery tomorrow, a mastectomy, and then begins adjuvant chemotherapy. I haven’t heard from him in two days.”
Her gentle brown eyes meet mine. “There’s not a whole lot to say when a loved one is sick. Your mind is preoccupied, and not a lot changes day to day.”
I nod and take a mouthful of cold bubbles to cool my throat. “There is a distance growing between us.” I search her face for understanding, especially as a nurse. “Every night, I lay awake, hoping this is not the beginning of our end.”
She places a hand on my wrist. “It’s not, babe. Give them time and the space they need as a family. He’ll talk to you when he’s ready. It’s just hard, you know. Unless you’re there going through it with him, you don’t understand the circumstances.”
“But I want to be. I want to support them both.”
“Then go.”
I frown at Violet. “I can’t just go. I’m the governor of an NBA team and have commitments here.” And Jobe has the jet in London. It’s not an excuse, as there are many flights to Australia.
“That your family could pick up the slack for a couple of weeks.”
I take another mouthful. “Possibly. But it’s the timing. I want to go when I can be of use and not an inconvenience…” I sigh. “Or if he even wants me there at all.”
“Of course he does. But you’re right, it is timing. And right now, you’re with us, and we’re going to have a fun night together. Forget the world’s problems and be present.”
Cassie raises her glass. “Cheers to being present.”
We clink our glasses, and I pick at some of the food. “How are the kids?” I ask casually.
“Oh hell, don’t get her started,” Bella says loudly.
I’m grinning as I’m chewing. “Your stories always cheer me up.”
“Because my life sucks right now,” she says with rounded eyes.
I giggle. “Kids are a whole other level.”
“Yes, like mealtimes, bath time, and sleep. The absolute minimum basics you need as a parent, and I fail every time. Every fucking time,” she says, waving her arms as she speaks. “I’m tempted to paint my face like Braveheart because every day, attempting these things is a battle.”
“Why don’t we have a manual?” Cassie asks, bemused.
“Because not one thing works with every child on any given day.”
“While it all sounds difficult, the sleep deprivation would test me the most.”
“Girl, it tests all of us the most. The sex, the sleep, the sleeping with the kid that punches you in the face in their sleep, and the latest problem…” she opens her arms dramatically as if she is about to be introduced on stage, “… bed wetting.” She shakes her head. “With me in the bed with them.”
She runs the palms of her hands down her cheeks.
“We had tests for everything, including a urinary infection, and it seems the five-year-old has anxiety. I mean, come on, what in the world does a five-year-old have to be anxious about? All meals are prepared and placed in front of him every. Single. Day. All clothes are washed and hung in his closet. He has a bed with clean linen and all the toys his heart desires in his room for him to be content. But Hudson, our neighbor’s child, is getting an iPhone at five years old, and we said a firm no to him.
So now he has anxiety and is wetting the bed. What the fuck is wrong with the world?”
Cassie shrugs. “Not the world, Vi. First-world problems.”
“We’re raising an entitled generation.” Violet lets out a long, audible sigh, then downs her drink and holds up an empty glass. “But these are not tonight’s problems.”
“No. And we don’t want to go back to being hunters and gatherers,” Bella states.
“Tonight, we’re having fun because Lottie might be Down Under before we meet up again.”
As bad as the circumstances are for that to happen, I hope I am.
Because I don’t want to live on the opposite side of the world from him for a second longer.