Chapter 19
A few hours after all the guests had gone to bed, Eva walked along the gravel trail that weaved through the garden. Her mind cloudy from the day’s drama, she stepped off the beaten path and wandered through the pale, long grass that glowed a ghostly grey beneath the crescent moon. Like the tall wildflowers that swayed in the warm breeze, her emotions twisted and turned. Was this how it was going to be? A constant tug-of-war between right and wrong until she returned to the twenty-first century to lead a normal-ish life?
“What are you doing here, Eva?”
She should have expected him to follow her. Maybe that’s what she wanted all along. No doubt she knew him well enough that he could not refuse a moment alone with her. A moment to yell. A moment to make her feel alive.
She spun around to face Henry.
His blue eyes glittered like the cold shimmer of the moon on calm waters.
“Why are you walking alone in the dead of night?” he said firmly.
“I’ve come to think.” Her voice sounded weak. “What are you doing here?”
“I could not sleep.”
“Why?”
His mouth tightened.
She crossed her arms. “Go on, then.”
“What?” he said, looking puzzled.
“I’ve been waiting for you to yell at me all night.”
“Did he propose to you?”
She furrowed her brow. “He did.”
“And?”
“Obviously, I rejected him,” she said. “I don’t even understand how it came to that.”
Something hard flickered in his eyes. “Because you’ve been flashing your pretty little eyes at him all week.”
“Whoa, hold on—”
“And singing love songs.” He stepped forward. “And since we are on that topic, did you not consider picking something better suited to this decade? Perhaps Bach? Brahms? A bloody sea shanty would have been heaps better. But no, of course not. You could not help but play your modern talents to a man who believes you to be Jane Edwards, an unwedded eighteen-year-old girl.”
“That song meant nothing,”
Henry blinked. “Nothing?”
“I mean it does … but … but…” She took a deep breath. “I was not flirting with Elias.”
His mouth twisted in disgust. “You were and it is crossing the line of our arrangement.”
“Crossing the line? Jesus, Henry, I’ve done nothing but play my part to a tee,” she cried out. “But of course, you will only see what you want in between your busy schedule of tailing Fanny around like a pathetic fool looking for a quick lay.”
His face visibly stiffened. “Even if that were true, it would be none of your business.”
“Then why would it be yours if I did the same with Elias?”
“Because you are not to be courted!”
“Oh, no. No, you don’t.” She came close to his face and jabbed at his chest. “You are not my father, brother, guardian, boyfriend or husband! How dare you think you can control me like I’m your property.”
“What am I to you, then?”
“How the hell do I know? Our relationship is complicated.”
“Am I to be forever mocked by your spirit, in this life and the next?” he said through clenched teeth. “If that is my fate then I ask you to drown me in that pond this instant.”
“What—”
“Because death would be better than having to watch you parade like a mare in heat around Elias McKenzie.”
“You … you … sexist prick.”
“Cockish wench.”
“Are you … are you calling me a whore?” she snarled.
“What do I know of your romantic inclinations? You could very well be.”
She thrust her face into his, their noses nearly touched. “Screw you,” she spat. “Screw everything about this.”
“You wish to hurt me with your words.” He sneered into her face. “Please, I beg you to show me the hate harboured within your bosom at this very moment. I want to feel your wrath. I want your lightning to strike down my feelings, to set fire to my ridiculous hopes, and—”
Her fingers gripped his shirt, pulling him close. She could not decide whether to yell, swear or …. or…
She slammed her lips onto his.
The kiss was rough, aggressive and exhilarating. The angry heat from his silky tongue burnt through the barrier of ice between them. Raw frustration radiated from her hands, greedy in their unyielding need to feel every inch that was Henry Asheford. And once it reached a level of ache she could not stand, she jerked her head back.
She pushed at his chest. “Is that how you will kiss Fanny?”
Fury flashed in his gaze. There was no mistaking the raw, unfiltered angry red that flushed his face.
A thrilling sensation stirred in her stomach. She had never seen him that agitated before.
Quickly, he cupped her face with his palms. His lips found hers again. All of a sudden, she was pushed up against a trunk. “Will you let Elias ravish you against a tree?” he said against her mouth.
“No…” Her voice was silenced by another kiss. She pulled away with a growl. “No, that is a right reserved for assholes called Henry. Elias can—”
Another kiss stole her words. His relentless passion burned her lips, scorched her lungs and set her heart aflame. She was on fire. No! How dare he disarm her like this. How dare he call her a whore and in the next minute leave her breathless and panting for more of his affection?
She broke away. “Elias can ravish me in his bed like a proper gentleman.”
He drew his head back to look at her.
The ensuing silence was thunderous. Only the sound of their breathing was heard among the distant rustling of leaves.
“You wanted me to hurt you with my words,” she said.
He took in a deep breath. “They are … they are tearing me apart, Eva.” The words came out low. They admitted defeat in their game.
A harsh wave of guilt washed over her. She found herself grasping onto his sleeves for dear life. “But you … you called me a whore.”
“I am a jealous fool.”
Suddenly, the warmth of his skin and the closeness of their bodies confused her. She withdrew from his touch.
“No, you of all people don’t get to be jealous,” she said. “While my life has been momentarily halted, I am here watching you live yours and I can confidently say there’s nothing for you to be jealous about because you will marry someone rich and gorgeous like Fanny Davenport, have beautiful dark-haired children and will forget about this moment in time as soon as we go our separate ways.”
“No,” he urged. “No, that isn’t what I want, Eva.”
“But it is. As you’ve said before, our relationship will only ever be equivalent to that of strangers passing in the street. So, here I am, Henry Asheford, passing you by.”
She turned on her heels.
Henry grabbed hold of her arm. “I am a coward caged by fear.”
She looked at him.
“My words, actions and judgments are often clouded by the ridiculous notion that something horrible awaits me around the corner. I often reject my right to love and be loved. I allow my insecurities, jealousy and temper to run rampant.” He paused, struggling with the words. His tone was controlled, but a chaotic energy simmered in the depths of his eyes. “For five years, I have been a mere shadow of my former self; a pathetic excuse of a man hiding in his castle. Before all of this, my heart … my heart scarcely pulsed with life, Eva. I could hardly feel. That was until an imp fell from the stars and reanimated my soul with such veracity that I tremble at what will happen when she disappears from my life.”
She blinked.
“I hate that you are what consumes my every thought of every day,” he said. “Even if I told you that the crossing of our paths would be temporary, I no longer believe it. I never did, really.”
She pulled away from his grasp. “You want to know what I hate? I hate that it took you all this time to tell me. I hate that I’ve been hopelessly powerless against your stupid English charm. I hate that you’re handsome and dramatic and odd and forbidden and broken … and sometimes, I just want to wrap my arms around you and fix all of your problems like I would a stupid computer.” She paused and brushed back the loose strands of hair from her face. “I hate that I have to watch you live your life every day, knowing that I’ll never be part of it. I hate that you could think I ever loved Elias…”
She paused, trying to breathe through the pressure in her chest. All she wanted to do was bury her face against his shoulder.
“For God’s sake, it’s always been you … only you,” she said.
“I do not want you to pass me by, Eva.”
For a beat, they stared at one another with nothing but the gentle breeze of leaves around them. He stepped forward. His scent of cedarwood and lemons curled around her.
“Then why are we arguing?” she said.
“Because we’re fools.”
His hand grazed the back of her head. With a tug, he pulled her to him and closed his mouth over hers.
Soft.
His lips were silky soft, gentle, and she couldn’t breathe. As if sensing her lack of oxygen, he broke away and ran a thumb over her bottom lip.
She exhaled and lowered her head against the tree. She couldn’t open her eyes. Or speak. She was paralyzed by the rollercoaster rush of emotion that was Henry Asheford and it ate her up from the inside out. Her fingers curled around his forearms, they dug into his hard muscles and, in that moment, she had her mind set that, yes, she wanted him. All of him.
Part of her was deathly afraid.
And the other felt like this was the most natural thing in the world.
She opened her eyes and saw that Henry watched her with equal confusion. No doubt he was weighing up the wrongs and the rights, the what-ifs, and the morality of it all. She was sure he had alarm bells ringing in his head right now too. Suddenly afraid that he would leave, she clutched him tighter.
He smiled faintly. “I am not going anywhere.”
She wanted to say the same in return, but it was difficult to find the right words. There was a flash of sadness in his face. It made her heart swell and plummet all at once. Her hand cradled his face and he pushed into her touch.
“There is a place I want to show you,” he whispered.
“Take me there now.”
He clasped her hand in his, kissed her knuckles and led her through the tall grass.
Near the pond was an alcove, hidden by a canopy of purple wisteria blooms. Beneath the flowery scented curtain, the crescent moon barely penetrated the thick foliage.
Henry watched Eva admire the wall of roses next to them. He did not feel steady on his feet. His heart ached from both pleasure and pain. He yearned to reach for her, to bury her in his arms and never let go.
She tilted her head to the side and looked at him.
For a long moment, the only sound between them was their ragged breaths, the hoot of an owl and the gentle flap of a duck’s wings across the pond.
He expected a quip about bringing her to a rose garden. She did not strike him as a woman who appreciated classical notions of romance. No man could woo Eva with roses, chocolates and pretty jewels for she was unlike most women of his time.
“It’s breathtaking,” she said.
A jolt shot through his body. There was no need for words or thoughts; all he wanted was to be close to her. He reached her in one long stride.
Their bodies met. She clasped onto his neck. He held onto her waist and kissed her. She was the first to draw in her tongue, permitting him to explore with his. Quick. Slow. Hard. Soft. They could not agree on a rhythm. She kissed like a woman who knew she could not hold on forever. And he kissed with the desire to savour it.
He shivered as he broke away from her lips.
“Slow down, Eva,” he panted against her cheek.
“I can’t.”
Her fingers clung to his shirt, and she pulled him near.
“I literally can’t,” she whispered against his mouth. “I need all of you.”
Their lips met again.
So, this was what it was like to love without barriers. It was a beautiful thought. One that made his heart ache violently. Her face fit perfectly in the palm of his hands. He ran his thumbs across her soft lips. They parted with every raspy breath she took.
“I’ve been wanting to kiss you since you taught me how to write,” she said.
He cracked a smile. “I am quite certain I would have been powerless against your efforts to sabotage my modesty.”
She smiled.
God, if he could frame that face into a portrait.
“Kiss me again,” she whispered.
Heat swept over him. Her words made him stiffen harder with arousal. It was painful against the seam of his trousers. He brought her face into his palms before taking her mouth to his.
As they kissed, her hands explored the ridges of his chest … stomach … going ever lower toward his waistline. Every muscle in his body went rigid when the soft weight of her hand swept over the bulge in his trousers.
Holy hell.
He broke away again and peered into her hazel eyes.
She maintained her gaze while her grip relented, studying every inch of him. Slowly, she tugged along his length.
His breath hitched at the rush of pleasure.
A sly smile curved her lips.
She’s enjoying teasing you. As always.
He groaned and brought his lips to the crook of her neck. His breath came hot against her skin. He knew well enough that she was not innocent; even so, her insistence to take the lead surprised him. The boldness of it made him achingly weak.
God, what a beautifully freeing thing.
He ran his fingers down her neck, clavicle and over the softness of her cleavage. A vision of her in his bed, flushed with naked sweat hit him hard. These were dangerous thoughts and yet he did not care. He wanted Eva.
All of her.
And she gave him permission.
The overwhelming need to be inside her ran through his veins. Years of unspent desire made his mind grow feverish. He gently pushed her against the rose wall while sliding a hand beneath her skirts. There were too many layers. How he hated all these restrictions.
“Sit,” she commanded.
Brought out of his frenzy, he inhaled sharply and looked around.
Her hands pulled at his shirt and spun him in place. She guided him onto the stone bench and climbed atop him. Her lips found his again.
He sank back against the wall and ran his hands beneath her skirts. Slowly, they slid along her thin drawers until he found her naked thighs – as smooth as silk. A groan left his lips.
As he kneaded the softness around the upper part of her thighs, her kisses grew desperate, charged with the need for control. “Please,” she whispered between kisses. “Please.”
“Please what?”
“I need you, Henry Asheford.”
He smiled. A laugh bubbled out.
She jerked her head back. For a moment, she studied him through a heavy-lidded gaze. Her hair, carelessly dislodged by his greedy hands, fell across her forehead.
“God, your smile is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.” She poked at his dimpled cheeks. “I love you.”
His smile fell.
“Was that forbidden to say?” She frowned as she studied his face for an answer.
“Come here,” he said.
Her face came near.
As he placed another kiss upon her lips, he undid the front of his trousers. His lips travelled to the edge of her jaw, down her neck until they found the top of her breasts. With his hands, he shifted her bottom and she lowered onto him in one smooth, unexpected glide.
His body buckled at the warm sensation. “Christ,” he whispered.
“Mmm,” she whispered. “I love it when you curse too.”
He shut his eyes. She would continue to tease, drawing him further into the darkness of impropriety, further from his duty, further from God and all the things he knew to be true about this world. And it felt so right. So, so right. With every hitch of her hips, he would give himself to her, over and over until she would fly away.
Her impassioned breaths of pleasure echoed in his ear and she whispered his name.
He liked hearing his name said like this. It brought him a sweltering rush of pleasure. Just enough to teeter on the edge of madness and feel the darkness touch his soul.
“Eva…” he said as he dug his fingers into her hair. “Eva, I do not want to get you with child.”
She came to a stop on his lap. A delicious smile came across her face. “You’re close?”
He was on the edge of losing it. “Yes,” he said, hoarsely.
“Mmm, is that so?”
“Eva… I don’t want—”
“Shh.” She brought a finger to his lips. “Don’t worry. I can’t get pregnant.”
His breathing was laboured now. “I do not understand.”
“You can thank modern medicine for that. Do what comes naturally and don’t hold back.”
A warm hand palmed his cheek, as the other splayed across his beating heart. Slowly, she leaned her head forward and kissed him. Together, they rocked harder, until she pulled her head away. The sound of her breath quickened in his ear. She called out his name as her body bowed in his arms.
Heat welled in his pelvic region.
The sudden, tightening sensation of her brought him to bliss in a final buckling thrust. His head fell against the crook of her neck as he continued to shudder from his blazing white climax.
“Eva,” he breathed heavily against her soft skin. “In this life and the next, I will always love you.”