43. Aspen
ASPEN
I find Blake plastering a wall.
I want to hope Blake had nothing to do with what’s happened to Tobias and the reason his car is hidden is all down to Levi. But, deep down, I know he’s involved, and it’s breaking my heart. Should I be frightened of him? Frightened of them both?
There’s a humming in my ears, and I feel distant from myself, as though I’m not really here.
I know it’s the adrenaline. That Blake can just be carrying on with renovations as though nothing has happened makes my head swim.
Every nerve in my body is screaming at me to get the hell away from Windridge Hall, and the men within its walls, but I can’t.
It’s not only that I have nowhere else to go.
It’s that, deep down, I have a terrible feeling I played a part in whatever has happened to Tobias.
That I’m as guilty as they are.
“What have you done with Tobias?” I demand of his back.
He looks over his shoulder at me and raises an eyebrow. “What have I done with him? Shouldn’t you be more concerned about what you did to him?”
I jolt back at his words, the air punching from my lungs. So, he is going to lay the blame at my feet?
The flash of bright blood on the pillow on my bedroom floor jumps into my head.
“It was an accident. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I just pushed him, that was all. He fell and hit his head.”
Blake puts down the trowel and turns fully to face me. His expression is stern. “Would you say the same if it had been the other way around? If he’d pushed you and you’d hit your head? Or would you have called him abusive and violent? Or does it not count when it’s a female against a male?”
Tears fill my eyes. I don’t want him to think that about me. “I’m not abusive or violent! I was defending myself.”
“From what, Pen? What did you need to defend yourself from?”
The memory of Tobias’s fingers jabbing into me, the sensation of his hard cock at my entrance, shoving to get inside me, fills me with sickening shame.
I’ve done my best not to think about it.
I’ve told myself it doesn’t count as assault since Tobias had been the closest thing to a boyfriend I’d had, that I’d invited him into my bed, and we’d had sex countless times before.
It wasn’t as bad as it being some strange man on a dark street, was it?
The crazy thing is that I don’t want Blake to know.
A part of me feels like I cheated on him by allowing Tobias in my bed, even though Blake had known all about it.
That it was my fault because I invited Tobias here.
I still hate the thought of him knowing another man touched me like that, even if I hadn’t wanted it.
It’s as though I’ve been sullied for him.
“Nothing,” I whisper.
His demeanor softens. He takes my hand, and my entire body comes to life at his touch. He brings it to his mouth and places a kiss to my wrist.
“I’m sorry we didn’t get there in time,” he tells me, holding my gaze.
My voice trembles. “What do you mean?”
“I’m sorry we didn’t stop him. That we didn’t make him leave before it all happened. I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”
Tears fill my eyes, and his handsome face blurs before me.
He’s speaking as though he already knows the truth.
But then I remember the reason I came to find him.
Tobias’s car, hidden in an old shed. The empty cabin, with no sign of the prepper who apparently lives on the grounds. Blake has been lying to me.
I yank my hand away and force my feet to take a step back. Though my heart and body long to give in to him, to throw myself into his arms and beg him to make everything all right again, I know I can’t.
I grit my teeth. “I found Tobias’s car.”
Blake stills. “Oh.”
I arch my brow. “Oh? Is that all you have to say? Someone hid his car, and since there’s no sign of any mysterious prepper living out in the woods, I assume it was either you or Levi, or most likely, both of you.”
He glances away. “You may not think it now, but we were doing you a favor.”
“Where is Tobias? What have you done with him? I checked the car, and he’s not in there. Did you hurt him?”
Blake blows out a long breath. “Oh, Pen. This is what we were trying to save you from.”
I throw up my hands. “What? Stop speaking in fucking riddles and tell me the truth.”
He shakes his head. “What if Tobias’s injuries were worse than you’d realized? What if we saved you from the truth?”
“What are you talking about?”
He winces, as though what he’s about to say brings him physical pain. “It’s still manslaughter, Aspen, if someone dies because of your actions, even if you didn’t mean it to happen.”
Ice runs through my veins and my skin prickles with goosebumps. My brain doesn’t want to compute what he’s telling me.
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “No-no-no.”
He tries to reach for me again, but I yank my arm away. “Tobias didn’t die because he banged his head,” I insist.
“Didn’t he? How do you know that?”
“Because he went to sleep! He was fine.”
“People die in their sleep all the time, Aspen. Especially when they have head injuries that don’t get treated.”
I shake my head again, frantic. “I don’t believe you.”
“Did you want us to call the paramedics, who would have called the cops? Did you want to spend the rest of your life behind bars?”
Tobias is dead. My heart feels like it knew all along.
Was it the reason I hadn’t questioned where he’d gone, or if he was safe?
I’d known he’d had a head injury, and I’d told myself he must have driven down the mountain road when it was still dark, and he could have had an accident.
But I’d made no effort to find out if he’d made it home in one piece.
No, I’d been happy to put his very existence out of my mind.
“It was an accident,” I say quietly. “The police would have realized that.”
His gaze darkens. “And if they didn’t? Was that little prick really worth you wasting years of your life in prison? The man who didn’t even bother to come to your father’s funeral. The man who tried to force himself on you, even when you told him to stop.”
My jaw drops and I gape at him, wondering how he even knows what happened between me and Tobias. Did Tobias tell him? Because if he did, it means Tobias was still alive and capable of speech before he died.
It would mean he was still alive when Blake last saw him.
“How do you know that?”
“Lucky guess.” Blake scowls. “What other reason would you have to defend yourself from him?”
I pause for a moment and dare to ask, “Where is his body?”
“A long way from here. Somewhere no one will ever find it.”
“But his car is still here. Someone could find that.”
“We’ll dismantle it. Take it apart, piece by piece, and then lose it in the mountains. That kind of vehicle isn’t designed to go off road. We couldn’t risk it getting stuck somewhere that people might spot it.”
The enormity of what’s happened gradually sinks in. I’m a killer. Whether it was intentional or not, I’ve taken another person’s life, and that person was someone I’d once believed I’d cared about. I think of Tobias’s family and friends, of the pain they’ll be in, all because of me.
My legs go weak, and the world pulls away at the edges. I think I’m going to fall, but then strong arms wrap around me, holding me upright.
“Shh, sweet girl.” Blake holds me tight and kisses the top of my head. “It’s all going to be all right.”
It’s not, though. Not for Tobias, and probably not for me either. I’m not the same person I was this morning when I woke up. I’m not sure how I’m going to live with myself.
“Oh, God, poor Tobias.” I cover my face with my hands, and a sob escapes me, my shoulders shaking.
Blake takes hold of my upper arms and moves me away from him so he can see into my face.
“Why the fuck do you care?” he demands. “This guy was a complete fucking asshole to you. He let you go alone to your own father’s funeral.
Who does that? And don’t pretend like he came here to visit you because he missed you.
Maybe he did miss you, but only part of you, I bet.
The hot, wet, tight part that he could stick his cock into. ”
I stare at him in anger and regret. “There was more to our relationship than that, Blake. No matter what you think. He might not have been there for me on the day of Dad’s funeral, but he was there plenty of other times.
He hugged me when I cried because Dad had been so angry that day he’d thrown a bowl of soup across the room because I’d put too much salt in it.
He was there to drive me to the emergency room when Dad had a fall when I wasn’t there, and the neighbor heard him calling for help and called the paramedics.
I’m not saying Tobias was perfect—far from it—but he’s been there for me more than anyone else over the past year.
And this has been the year from hell, I promise you that.
” I shake my head, my entire body and face tense with emotion.
“Where were you, Blake? You talk about Tobias not being perfect, but it’s not like you were around either.
You knew what Dad and I had gone through, losing both Mom and my sister, but you still deserted us. ”
“I told you. Your dad made it perfectly clear that he didn’t want me around.”
“Okay, but what about me? You never thought to check in on me either?”
He closes his eyes briefly. “You were just a child, Aspen.”
“So? I was still a human being with feelings. Didn’t it occur to you that I might have missed you?
That I might have wondered why yet another person had removed themselves from my life?
Do you have any idea what it’s been like growing up in a world where everyone leaves, in one way or another?
I’ve constantly had to ask what’s wrong with me.
” I give a cold laugh. “Fuck, I know what’s wrong with me.
I’m so goddamned unlovable. No one can stand to be near someone so fucking stupid. I’m an embarrassment.”
He shakes his head. “Aspen, stop it. You’re no such thing.”
“Then why the hell does everyone leave me?”
“Your dad died. He didn’t go voluntarily. It’s not the same thing.”
Not the same thing as my mother dying… her choosing to leave by her own hand.
I sniff and nod. “I know. My dad did love me. He’s the one person in my life who ever has.”
“That’s not true.”
I stare up into his eyes. “Isn’t it?”