45. Aspen
ASPEN
Over the next few days, I sink into a kind of depression.
My pillow is soaked from my tears, and my nights are filled with terrors.
The hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that I killed a man. It might have been unintentional, but I took someone’s life. Not just any old person either, but someone I’d once believed I’d cared about.
I find myself turning the words over in my head, rephrasing them as though they’re jigsaw pieces and I’m trying to find a way to make them fit my shape. I killed Tobias. I’m a murderer. I took a man’s life. Tobias is dead, and it’s my fault…
He deserved it…
No, no matter what he did or didn’t do, no one deserved that ending. I’m tormented by visions of his body decomposing somewhere, haunted by the nightmare of him returning to me in the night to punish me for what I did, or perhaps take up where he’d left off.
I battle back and forth about what I should do about the part Blake and Levi played. A part of me wants to leave and go to the police, but I know if I do, everything will change. I won’t only be getting myself in trouble; I’ll be implicating Blake and Levi, too. They’ll be an accessory to murder.
Maybe they should be implicated. What they did isn’t normal. People don’t just dispose of bodies and hide cars. It makes me wonder what else they’ve done in the past. Their reason for being out here, so isolated, might not be as simple as not liking other people. Are they hiding from someone?
Perhaps if I’d gone straight to the cops after realizing Tobias was missing, they’d have believed my story, but now Blake and Levi have gotten rid of his body and hidden his car, there’s no way to make this look like anything other than foul play.
Plus, now I know Blake has lied to me. He told me someone was living out in the cabin, but there’s no such person.
I’d been too busy spiraling about Tobias to ask him who the third person is who lives here.
The man who’s been in my room, and has been leaving me gifts, and watching me.
Blake must know who he is, but I doubt he’ll even tell me if I ask.
If he’s lied about that, what else has he lied about? I’m no longer sure that anything he says is the truth.
I don’t leave my room, but trays of food appear inside my door.
I have little appetite, and they vanish again, untouched, just as mysteriously.
Sometimes, when I’m caught between sleep and awake, I think someone is sitting with me.
I could lock my door, but I don’t. A part of me wants these nighttime visitations.
I welcome the darkness. I’ve always known there was something wrong with me—that I’m not like other people—and not in a good way.
If someone were to harm me during my sleep, perhaps I’d deserve it.
I do my best to avoid Blake and Levi. Avoiding Levi is easy enough, since he never seems to be around anyway. I know he’s making the most of the surrounding mountains before the weather turns, which will be any day now.
As for Blake… Does he feel guilty for lying to me?
Is that why he hasn’t tried to speak to me?
Or is it that he feels like he can’t trust himself around me?
Perhaps that’s wishful thinking? I’m sure he’s attracted to me, after what we did the other day in the woods, but that’s as far as his feelings go.
I don’t know why I keep compelling myself to make such a fool of myself around him.
The worst part of all this is how much I miss him.
My heart aches with an emptiness only he can fill.
In my darkest moments, I hug my pillow and imagine it’s his broad chest with his strong arms around me, and that I’m inhaling the scent that is so distinctly his.
I miss Levi, too, which is something that surprises me.
I’d thought he’d been borderline obsessed with me—stealing a piece of my hair, and I’m pretty sure my pink sweater—but now it’s as though I no longer exist to him.
I’d told Blake to leave me alone, and that I’d wanted space, but I hadn’t expected him to comply quite so readily.
I believe he’s the one who’s been bringing me the trays of food, but he doesn’t stick around to talk.
I’m not sure how we’re supposed to carry on living our lives, pretending like nothing has happened. It’s all so fucked up.
A knock comes at my door, and I sit up, my heart lurching. I’m so pathetic that I will it to be Blake, coming to check up on me. I’m disappointed he hasn’t already. Does he look at me differently now he knows what I’m capable of? That he knows I’m capable of killing a man who hurts me?
But no, I realize he already knew what I’d done that day in the woods when he brought me back to the hotel and buried his face between my thighs.
Levi knew then, too. The only person who’d been in the dark that day had been me.
My emotions are all messed up about that.
Technically, he’s helped me by getting rid of Tobias’s body and protecting me.
So why do I feel like he betrayed me?
Because he also lied and put me in an impossible position.
He’s made it clear that the moment between us had been a slip-up, though.
He hadn’t intended for it to happen. I’m embarrassed at the memory but also turned on.
I’d basically begged him to let me suck his dick.
What red-blooded male would say no? He clearly regretted it afterward, and he hasn’t even mentioned it to me since.
Then again, I guess we’ve both had bigger things to worry about.
I get off my bed and go to the door. I quickly straighten my t-shirt and sweatpants, and drag my hands through my hair.
I open the door and my heart sinks. Instead of Blake, it’s Levi standing there.
Blake would have told him that I know what happened with Tobias. I hate that it makes me feel ashamed, my skin sticky with sin.
I can barely bring myself to look at him. “Oh, hi.”
“Hi, yourself,” he says. “Can I come in?”
A frown pinches my eyebrows together, but I take a step back.
It’s been kind of lonely over these last few days.
I remind myself that Levi helped to hide a body for me.
It’s strange to think he has that to hold over me—well, I guess we have it to hold over each other.
That terrible event has unwittingly made us allies.
Should we talk about it? I have no idea where to even start, but pretending like it never happened feels insane.
“I’ve bought you a gift,” Levi says, stepping farther into the room.
I narrow my eyes at him. “You have? Why?”
Even after everything, I’m forever mistrustful of Levi.
He shrugs and kicks the door shut behind him. “Because I wanted to. Close your eyes and put out your hands.”
I raise both eyebrows. “Absolutely not.”
“Spoilsport.” He pulls a small box out from behind his back and hands it to me.
Frowning down at the box, I turn it over in my hands. It’s some kind of small electronic device. I go and sit on the bed and place it in my lap. I open the box fully to reveal a gadget that looks a little like a chunky thermometer.
“What is it?” I ask.
Levi comes to sit next to me on the bed, his solid weight depressing the mattress. I’m conscious of his proximity, but I don’t move away.
“It’s called a reader pen. You scan it over the text you want to read, and it’ll read it out loud to you. You can wear an ear bud so those around you won’t be able to hear it. I thought it would be useful if you need to read any more recipes, or anything you like, really.”
I glance over at him. For the first time, Levi seems uncomfortable. He’s lost his cocky edge and instead seems eager for my reaction.
I think of all the things I’ll be able to read with this—schedules, menus, maybe even entire books, though I’ve generally been fine with listening to audiobooks. It won’t help with larger things like signposts, but it’ll definitely help.
But even more important than this opening doors for me is the fact that Levi has made the effort to find it.
He noted where I was struggling and cared enough to research something that might help me.
I can’t help but wonder why. Is it because he feels bad about what happened with Tobias?
After all, he did deliberately try to wind Tobias up when he was here.
“Thank you, Levi. This is really kind of you. It couldn’t have been cheap.”
He shakes his head. “Don’t worry about the cost.”
But money is something that’s always been difficult in my life. “I’ll pay you back, as soon as I can.”
He shakes his head. “Fuck off, Little Fox. I’m not taking a single cent from you. I mean it.”
I know he does, too. Levi isn’t someone who cares about money. Up until now, I thought all he cared about was hunting and fishing and managing the land, but he’s given me a tiny glimpse at the man he is beneath all the posturing.
Not thinking, I lean in and kiss his cheek.
His proximity catches me in a kind of forcefield I can’t break away from.
I’ve been so fucking frightened and lonely, that now I long to feel something other than that.
I drink in everything about him; the scent of him, the dark stubble that’s broken through that cut-glass jawline.
The intensity of him, the way he’s almost vibrating with it.
I find myself lingering a moment too long, inhaling a little deeper than I should.
My lips graze against his stubble, and I catch my breath.
My nipples tighten, and my pussy contracts with a deep throb.
I pull away, but only enough so I can see into his blue eyes, fringed with those thick, dark lashes. We freeze like that for what feels like forever, inhaling each other’s air. The blood rushes through my ears, and I swear I can’t breathe. My heart is thumping so hard, I’m sure he can hear it.
He lifts his hand and curls a lock of my red hair around his finger.
“Oh, Little Fox. We can’t go back now.”
“Levi,” I say on an exhale.