22. Chapter Twenty Two Baer
Chapter Twenty Two: Baer
I stood in my room, shoulders hunched in the darkness as I fought the anger and pain that were threatening to overwhelm me. Exhaling a shaky breath, I lifted a hand to run it over my face, only to pause when I realized that hand was no longer there. Fuck!
Throwing up a sound barrier, I screamed out my anger and frustration, swiping my good hand across the desk and knocking everything on top to the floor, the items breaking and shattering just like I already had. It was fitting. Something inside me was fracturing on a level that I’d never felt before.
I didn’t know how to navigate through this loss, this pain. Life had always had a way of working out for me, more because I could always find the bright side of a situation, but now, I could only see darkness. Try as I might, my mind was so overcome with pain and futility that I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Never before had I truly understood that human saying. It seemed I was finally learning the meaning in a way I would rather not have. At first, I had persisted in the hope that if I kept going, the light would somehow appear. If anything, everything only seemed to be getting darker. Since waking up and finding out that Rhowyn had left because of me, I couldn’t seem to find my way out of it.
She’d been right to leave. I couldn’t protect her, and now I was only a burden, with nothing to offer her except a broken man, both physically and within my soul. Watching her tonight, it had never been clearer that she no longer needed me. I was grateful for the moments we’d shared, the experience of holding her in my arms and loving her, but it was time to move on. To bow out gracefully before I put her in greater danger.
Because of me, she’d been on her own and without any of us to protect her. Cyerra had filled us in on how close we’d come to losing her, and it had all been because of me. I couldn’t keep her out of the situation, couldn’t fight back or prevent Titania’s executioner from singling me out. I’d had to be saved by Loki and Rhowyn, losing a part of myself in the process. I’d failed her. After promising her we’d look out for her, that we’d never let any harm come to her, I had let her down and paid for it. A lesson I had to learn the hard way, and now it was time for me to leave her to men who were better suited for keeping her safe, at making her happy.
Tears threatened to fall, and I squeezed my eyes shut, knowing that as much as walking away would pain me, it was what was best for her. I hadn’t been able to sleep much, nightmares of that moment haunting me and causing me to cry out in my sleep. Thankfully, I’d been able to keep the others unaware by using my sound barrier. The last thing I needed was to be an even bigger burden than I already was.
I grabbed my bag, still packed from earlier, the plan already floating through my thoughts upon our arrival at the Keep, only solidifying after tonight. Now that I was sure she was safe and with all her other consorts, I could step away confident that they’d protect her. That was no longer a job I could do. Stripping off the fancy shirt I was wearing, knowing it would only make me stick out like a sore thumb while I traveled, I threw it to the floor. A soft knock penetrated my thoughts, causing me to pause. Ignoring it, I grabbed my still dirty tunic from off the back of the chair where I had tossed it earlier.
The sound of the door opening and disturbing my magic caused me to turn, shirt still in my hand. The sight of Rhowyn in the doorway had me freezing, my need to drink in her form one last time keeping me rooted in place. The hurt in her eyes had me flinching and turning my back to her, unable to look at the pain I had caused her over and over. It seemed that was all I was good at.
She stepped in, her footsteps pausing as I felt her taking in the room, the shattered items on the floor, and the bag that was sitting out openly on the bed. My shoulders hunched forward in shame as her words hit me. “You’re leaving me?”
Still unable to face her, I shrugged into the shirt, letting it fall into place. “It’s for the best.”
“For who?” she asked. Her pain radiated down the bond as it frayed further, leaving behind raw and throbbing fragile cords that were close to snapping altogether.
“For you,” I told her, unable to elaborate, to admit to all my faults in front of her perfection. My resolve hardened. She deserved better than me. She was destined to change the world, and I was only going to hold her back.
“Don’t you think you should have asked me?” Her anger tinged her words, covering the pain I could still feel from her.
I remained silent as I closed my bag and changed out my boots. “Baer, look at me,” she pleaded as I fought my instincts. The very ones that wanted me to turn around and take her in my arms, but I couldn’t. If I looked at her now, I’d fall apart. I wouldn’t do that to her.
“Damnit, Baer! Talk to me!” she snapped, and her voice broke on the last words while my shoulders shook in response to the pain I was causing her. Sometimes, in order for a person to get better, you had to hurt them a little first. Like a healer’s magic could be painful while it repaired all the damage wrought on a body, but in the end, it kept them alive.
Her hand grabbed my shoulder, jerking me around until she was standing in front of me. “Why?” she asked.
The emotion in that one question had me snapping my eyes to her for the first time since I’d decided to leave. My words fell from my lips, unable to deny her anything. “It’s for the best. I’m no good for you anymore.”
“Who said that?” she asked me, reaching out a hand to touch my face, but I jerked back, unworthy of her touch. “Don’t leave me,” she whispered, my need for space clearly hurting her more.
“Don’t you see?” I snapped at her as my own anger at the situation rose up inside me. Holding up the stump where my hand should have been, I waved it in her face. “I’m broken. I can’t protect you anymore, and you deserve better than what I can offer you now. You’re better off without me.” Not waiting for her reply, I grabbed my bag, needing to get away, to leave now before I lost my nerve. If I didn’t go now, I wasn’t sure I could find the strength to do so again, and who knew what trouble I’d bring down on her next time.
She rushed past me to step in front of the door, cutting me off from my exit. “Move, Rhowyn,” I ordered, barely holding myself together.
“No,” she said, her chin rising to challenge me. I knew that look. She wasn’t budging.
“Move!” I yelled at her, leaning down into her face. “Maybe I don’t want you anymore. Have you thought of that? That I want to leave before I lose more than just my hand?!” I turned away from her, running my good hand through my hair and pulling it. “Fuck!”
“You don’t mean that,” she said softly, her confidence in that statement shaken by my outburst as she eyed me warily, hope hanging in that single look.
I jerked back around and stalked over to her. “Oh, I mean every word of it. Let. Me. Go.”
She flinched at my words, which had clearly found their mark, her eyes dropping as tears swam in them. Then she lifted her chin again. “No.”
“Damnit!” I paced away from her again. My only option left was to physically move her, but I’d sooner cut off my other hand than to ever use it to hurt her.
“I’m not letting you leave. I need you, Baer. Don’t you see that?” she asked me.
I kept my back to her, her words cutting me deeply. She was wrong. She didn’t need me. She just thought she did. “You’ve never needed anyone. That’s never been clearer than it is now,” I told her softly, my conviction failing me.
“No,” she said, her voice close behind me now. Her hand landed on my back. “I love you. All of you. And I don’t know what you think that means, but to me, love means never leaving, never letting go. I’m not letting you run away.”
“Fuck!” I cursed out. My knees wanted to give out on me as I trembled with the emotions that swirled inside of me. Torn between what was right and what I desired; I kept my head tucked against my chest with my eyes closed.
“You once told me you loved me. If that’s true, then stay. Fight with me for this, for our future,” she begged me, further weakening my resolve with the emotion I could hear pouring from her voice and the ragged bond.
“I’ve loved you from the moment I met you, Rhowyn,” I admitted softly. “But sometimes, love isn’t enough. Sometimes, love can be our downfall.”
“And if it is?” she asked, her question leaving me unable to answer her. “I’d rather go down with you by my side than to live life without you. That’s what love means to me. That’s what you mean to me.”
“How can you say that?” I asked her, turning to face her, not believing the words she spoke. “I don’t have anything left to offer you. I’m no longer the same man you fell in love with.”
She smiled softly at me, sadness in her eyes. “And I’m not the same woman you fell in love with.”
“Bullshit.” Sure, she’d changed, but only for the better. She’d done nothing but grow into the power I could always see lurking beneath her surface. Even when it had been locked away, she had glowed with potential that I could feel deep inside of me.
She laughed on a sob. “Exactly. I didn’t love you because you had two good hands. And it wasn’t because you could protect me. If you haven’t noticed, I can protect myself just fine. I love you because you’re the light in my darkness. You’re the rock that keeps me steady when the waters and wind threaten to sweep me away. Even though you’re consumed with darkness now, I know what it’s like. I’ve navigated it for so long and can lead you back into the light if you’d let me. You stole my heart first, and I won’t let you give it back. Now, let me be there for you when you need it.”
My knees buckled then, sending me to the floor, and all the emotions I’d kept bottled up for weeks came back to the surface and overwhelmed me. Instead of running away, she stepped forward, pulling me into her embrace, my head pressing to her chest as my arms wrapped around her. She held me as I fell apart, shattered into a million pieces. She held me until slowly, I began to put the pieces back together. Not all of them fit right, but they would in time.
I could no longer deny that I still wanted her with every fiber of my being. I wanted her in my life as we stood together against the evil in this world to make it a better place. I needed her like the air I breathed and the water I drank. She was necessary to life. To my life.
She’d been right, walking away now was the coward’s way out. I was running away because the pain and despair had been too much, but having her here, being in her arms, I found that the pain wasn’t so overwhelming. Maybe she was right again? Maybe navigating this together was the answer, but I still couldn’t see the light. But if anyone could understand what it was like to stand in the darkness, it was Rhowyn.
As my tears slowed, I clung more firmly to her, my resolve lying in pieces on the floor because I could no longer leave her. Inhaling her scent and dragging it into my lungs, I felt more alive than I had in weeks, since waking after the confrontation with Titania. Just being here was easing my tortured thoughts and emotions.
Finally, the emotions ebbed, and I could think clearly again. I could see the light I’d been looking so long for. “How did I get so lucky?” I asked her, my head still pressed against her, arms holding so tightly as if she’d vanish in a puff of smoke.
“It wasn’t luck, Baer. It was you. It’s only ever been you,” she said, pulling back until she was kneeling on the floor with me. Tracks down her face showed me that as I’d crumbled, she had cried with me, sharing the emotion with me and easing my burden.
She held my gaze, letting her love pour down the bond between us and shine through her eyes. “Come back to me. Love me as only you can. It’s all I’ve ever wanted from you. It’s all I’ve ever asked for.”
I nodded, doubt trying to creep back in, but I pushed it back. “Okay. I can do that,” I told her.
She smiled at me then. “Good. Can you hold me while we sleep? I just need to be close to you.”
“That I can do.” I smiled at her tentatively, the first one I’d had since waking up without my hand. It felt strange on my face, but her eyes sparkled then, glinting in the moonlight through the window. That light at the end of the tunnel grew larger, drawing me forward, and I knew I’d be okay. That we’d make it through this. Together, we could navigate the darkness until that light was all around us.