30. Chapter Thirty Rhowyn
Chapter Thirty: Rhowyn
I startled awake, nightmares chasing me through the darkness to cut across the peace I had found. Having grown up haunted by them, I was all too familiar with demons like this. In time, they would fade, never fully disappearing but their edges would become less jagged, dulled over the blunt edge of truth. Ever present, but no longer cutting me mercilessly until I bled from my soul, the light draining through the wounds so that an infection of malignant ghosts wouldn’t permeate my spirit.
I recognized these truths, but that knowledge didn’t calm my racing heart or stop my clammy skin from freezing as the air brushed it upon sitting up. Despite the warmth surrounding me with my men all still sleeping soundly beside me, the cold nipped along my exposed skin. Over and over, a single image flashed through my mind every time I closed my eyes. In my dreams, the children would cry out, begging me to help them, though my feet were mired in concrete, impotent and unable to get closer to them. I watched them die, and as they took their last breath, their eyes snapped open to condemn me to Hell for bringing this upon them.
Just thinking about it now, I knew I needed to get away, needed to walk the Keep to soothe my panic. My men were successful in driving the message home. I wasn’t to blame for what had happened to them. I may have been the catalyst, but so many more children would die if I didn’t step in and stop Titania. War was never pretty. War tore families apart, leaving everyone touched for lifetimes as the echo of those lost souls reminded us of what was possible, of the importance of avoiding such an outcome.
Slowly and carefully, I extricated myself from the limbs that had wrapped around me like the roots of a tree, which were known to entangle bicycles and cars until they became a part of the tree itself. Still, Lennox’s and Arryn’s eyes found me in the darkness. “Go back to sleep. I just need to walk, to be alone for a little bit,” I urged them.
Arryn nodded, but as I climbed from the bed, I caught Arryn staring Lennox down, a command in that look, and I knew that they wouldn’t let me wander unprotected. Sighing, I accepted it, not willing to fight them on this as long as he left me to my thoughts. I threw on my leathers and one of the guys’ shirts, Callum’s by the smell, leaving my feet bare so I could feel the cool stone under my feet and with the ability to move silently through the halls.
Not waiting for Lennox to follow, I opened the door without a hitch, leaving it open for him to follow me through the night. Thankfully, he kept his distance, not speaking a word. As I passed the occasional guard staggered throughout the Keep, I nodded a silent greeting to them, and they let me be, a simple dip of their heads the only acknowledgment in return.
We hadn’t asked for this fight, had been willing to go about this the right way by allowing the trials to run their course, but Titania was having none of it. Often on Earth, I found myself upset about the injustices I found, the cost of having such a large population under one rule of law. People would always fall through the cracks, usually those most vulnerable.
Trailing my fingers along the wall, I thought about why that was. I didn’t claim to have all the answers, certain I would make mistakes, especially early on in my rule, but the one thing I could do was adapt changes to the problems I had seen on Earth and in Avalon. I had railed against the system on Earth and those who seemed so oblivious to the problems that were just under their nose if only they’d open their eyes wide enough to see them. The first thing I’d do is find those who needed help recovering from the damage that Titania had brought about.
Cashel Ri had more than enough wealth to ensure that everyone had what they needed, and I would have the power to redistribute the gold and gems for a better purpose. On Earth, I was powerless to affect those changes. I was poor and without magic, but here I would be the one responsible for ensuring that we rebounded to a point where everyone could prosper. And instead of having only a few decades to accomplish those changes, I would have centuries. Centuries with men by my side, who felt the same way I did.
I found an alcove that opened onto a small balcony. Stepping out into the night air, I inhaled the smells deeply as my eyes drifted closed, allowing the cool, fresh scent to invigorate me, both mind and body. The breeze drifted across my bare skin raising goose bumps as I opened my eyes to find the sprawling courtyard below me. Small fires burned as soldiers, my soldiers, huddled around them, their voices drifting up to my ears. Their countenance hinted at hope and confidence. Since my arrival, new life had been breathed into them, and they finally believed they had a chance to succeed. They were fighters, just like me. Praying that eventually, one day, their pain and suffering would be worth something, that it had all been for something greater than themselves, something they could be proud of.
People arrived every day, and Aurelia greeted them, offering them shelter and assigning them jobs. Those who could hold a sword were given training to keep them alive as long as possible. Not all of them would make it, but we would do everything in our power to give them a fighting chance. For some, that was all they were asking for. Without us, without this rebellion, they didn’t even have that, doomed to await the death of their land and loved ones, railing against a broken system. They were me, and I was them.
Callum and Baer worked with them while we waited for intelligence from our spies?from Brannoc and Cyerra. Arryn commanded and led our war efforts. Lennox played politician and helped Callum’s sister smooth over small disputes. But what did I do? I was just a figurehead. Granted, I had more power than I ever could have dreamed of, but so far, I had done nothing with it. It chafed at me, this impotency.
Closing my eyes, I could see each of my men’s faces. I loved them. Many people these days saw love as what someone else could do for themselves, how someone else could make them better. But I saw love as something different. Love was patient and kind, it didn’t envy or boast, nor was it rude or arrogant. It wasn’t irritable or resentful, didn’t insist on its own way, but rejoiced in truth.
On Earth, I had heard the scripture but hadn’t understood it?not fully. Now, though, I finally had a grasp on the concept.
When faced with Callum and his vexing ways, I was patience embodied, waiting for him to unfold his truth to me until I found all of him. He did the same in return, even though I knew he wanted to strangle me sometimes.
With Baer, it was kindness and joy, even in the face of depravity. He chose to face the darkness with nothing more than the light from within him, and when he’d lost it, I showed him the way back.
Lennox, my playboy prince, didn’t feel the need to boast about being my consort; instead, he had shed that exterior to reveal his tender heart underneath, trusting me to care for it. An offering I would cherish until my dying day.
Arryn was never arrogant, calm and confident in the best of ways. His honor and valor kept him honest despite the pressures to cave to the world around him. He was my rock in these tumultuous times, and I would be his in return, leaning on each other to brace against the storm that was coming.
And Brannoc, he was truth. He had come into my life unexpectedly, forsaking all of his own wishes and desires for mine, serving me from the very beginning while facing the truth that there would always be those who saw him as lesser than me for being lower fae. And still, he didn’t care because the truth was, his love was enough to suffer their condemnation. And how could I do anything less than face the truth that my love for him was just as deep, uncaring about what others thought about my mate, though I vowed they would see the heart of the brave and strong man I had come to know well in such a short amount of time.
To me, that was love. It wasn’t about what they did for me but what we found in each other. Things that were already there, to begin with. We just took the time to nurture these things with love and patience, with forgiveness and understanding. That’s how I knew we’d weather whatever Titania could throw at us. Time and time again, they had shown their characters in little ways. Sure, we hadn’t had the chance to date or the small episodes of time to connect that didn’t involve survival and war, but honestly, this way was better to me.
People could fake who they were when not under pressure. They could always present themselves in the best light, not showing you the shadows that lurked underneath, hidden in the closet for you to stumble across when you were least expecting it. I knew better than most from my experience in the foster care system just how shiny people could make their lives appear from the outside only to hide the filth and decrepitude that lingered behind closed doors.
In war, times of stress that made us make life-and-death decisions, all of the bullshit was pushed to the side. People no longer cared how you viewed them; they simply wanted to survive. And yet, time and again in the trials and beyond, these men had shown me that they were respectable, full of valor, had integrity, strength, vulnerability, humility, kindness, and strong morals with a perfect sense of right and wrong. How could I not love them? They were everything I wanted for myself and strove every day to be. What better time to get to know the heart of each of these men than now?
My spirits buoyed slightly, I turned to head back inside, my meanderings leading me to the throne room. Walking to the back of it, I pushed open the door to the War Room, taking in the maps as we had left them before we had set off in hopes of cutting off Titania’s path across the Autumn territory. We had lost that battle overall, but maybe there was something I could see. Studying the map covered with markers to indicate spies, troops, the rot that had been stealing across Avalon, and more, I prayed that an answer would come to me.
These men had carried me up until now, and I was finally starting to realize why Avalonia had sent me off on my own, why she had insisted I go without them across the land. She was showing me that I could survive without them. No, that was wrong . She was showing me that I was stronger than I realized, strong enough to do what she had tasked me with. It was time that I stepped up and took full responsibility for this war.
Slowly, I had been coming around to the idea, accepting my role, but now, I felt I was ready for this. I was ready to become the queen Avalon needed.