42. Chapter Forty Two Rhowyn
Chapter Forty Two: Rhowyn
I stood on the balcony I had found on my walk the previous night, staring down at the preparations of the Ravens and soldiers. Everyone was gearing up and packing for our journey at first light. We’d be cutting it close, but I knew we’d get there in time. Being late to the meeting wasn’t an option.
After filling Revna and Ramund in on our plans, I needed a moment alone with my thoughts. They had seen the wisdom in the plan, unable to come up with any better ideas. Their plan, after situating the Ravens inside the Keep’s courtyard, was to study the objects for what they could find. Promises to find me if they discovered anything followed me as I left them to it.
My men had made to follow me, but I halted them with the explanation that I needed this time to myself. In truth, it wasn’t just my need to wrap my mind around the fear and worry about tomorrow’s confrontation. It was also the new fear that was niggling at me. The dark thought that had crossed my mind earlier.
Never before had I ever felt such a desire to cause another harm. Even Titania. Which was saying something. Despite all the evil she had caused, I didn’t really want to harm her. Granted, I knew that there wouldn’t be another option. The only way to truly stop her was through death, but it didn’t keep me from wishing that there was another way.
So, to have the desire to hurt my friend and allies was unsettling, to say the least. The tone had mimicked the orb’s call. The book had the same energy but didn’t seem to contain quite as much malevolence, though it was still pervasive. A part of me feared that the darkness that had assaulted my mind was changing me, that it was still there, just waiting for the opportunity to slip inside if I relaxed my walls.
I couldn’t feel it now, though. My mind was my own in this moment, which left me feeling confused. Maybe it was all in my head? A simple reaction to all the stress and strain I had been under since coming to Avalon? Wasn’t it often said that you could never truly know how you would react in a situation until you were in that situation? That it was impossible to know the mettle of a man until his character had been tested?
Perhaps that was all it was. A mixture of exhaustion, nightmares, fear, anxiety, and the unknown future. I relaxed slightly, convinced my mind was playing tricks on me. Really, I should be trying to sleep. I knew two of my men were already waiting for me in my bed, but I just couldn’t stop my thoughts from whirring inside my head. Anxiety ate away at me until I had to walk, to move, until my body was physically too tired. Still, my brain refused to succumb to the fatigue I felt down to the marrow of my bones.
Light footsteps sounded out behind me, and I turned to find Cyerra, a familiar face trailing behind her. “Hi, Loren,” I called out to the man who had followed us from the village we had saved, becoming Cyerra’s new shadow.
He dipped his head. “Your Majesty. It’s a nice night out tonight,” he said, his eyes darting to an annoyed Cyerra.
I laughed. “That it is. I just wish I could really enjoy it.”
“Don’t worry, Your Majesty. You’ll kick Titania’s ass tomorrow and then have plenty of nights like this to enjoy.” The na?ve confidence and hope in his tone reminded me of the girl I had met in the Enclave. I eyed her now, her eyes widening in a plea for me to dismiss him. Despite my desire to tease her, I did as she asked.
“Thank you, Loren. I’m lucky to have the faith of such a man as yourself. Now, if you don’t mind, I would like to speak to my friend in private. We’ve much to discuss before tomorrow.” Cyerra rolled her eyes at me, her back still turned to him.
I bit back a smile as he jumped. “Of course. Apologies, Your Majesty. I’ll…just leave you two to it then.” He hesitated at the threshold to the balcony, obviously not wanting to leave Cyerra’s side but being unable to find an excuse to stay. Finally, he ducked his head, dejected somewhat as he walked away.
Cyerra turned, leaning into the hallway, waiting for him to get far enough away before she turned back to me. “Thank you! He hasn’t left my side except when I’m on a mission for you,” she gushed.
I laughed out loud, the first time I had felt any true amusement and joy since Callum had been taken. “He seems quite devoted,” I told her.
“Ugh! It’s too much. He’s nice and everything, but I don’t like him like that. I know he wants more from me than friendship, but I can’t see us in that way,” she admitted, moving forward to rest her forearms on the railing, looking down at the courtyard without actually seeing it.
Compressing my lips to hide my amusement, I said, “Who knows. He may just surprise you if you’d give him a chance.” She turned to glare at me, but I held up my hands to ward her off. “Just saying, you could easily do worse than him. You never know.”
“Trust me, I’ll never see him like that. As more than a friend,” she said with all the confidence of someone who’d never been surprised by love. It wasn’t all that long ago that I had also felt the same way, convinced that Lennox and Callum weren’t meant for me. Life had a way of surprising us all when we least expected it.
Genuinely curious now, enjoying the distraction from the pressures of tomorrow, I asked, “Why do you say that? What’s so wrong with him? He seems like a nice enough guy to me.”
She huffed. “That’s just it, he’s too nice. He doesn’t even really know me, yet he’s already so clingy to me. For all he knows, I could be some evil, conniving harlot bent on his destruction, and he would still follow me blindly off a cliff if I asked it of him.”
“That doesn’t sound so bad,” I told her, thinking of my men. Arryn and Baer had been on board from the beginning. Baer’s own willingness to follow me blindly had been exactly what I needed at the time.
“But it is,” she complained. Sighing at the questioning look I gave her, she threw her hands into the air and turned back to look down at the courtyard. “I want more than blind faith. I want to be challenged. I want to have passion and excitement. He’s none of that.”
I couldn’t really argue with her on that point. I did have several mates who challenged me in the way she desired, and I found it refreshing, if not downright sexy. I remained quiet beside her, leaning my shoulder into hers as I waited for her to continue. “From the youngest age, I’ve wanted adventure. I’ve felt I was destined for more than just being the Chieftain of the Ravens. When you came, I saw the opportunity you presented. For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m exactly where I need to be. He’s a great friend, but he’s more suited to being settled, living a life on a farm somewhere. His life should be predictable and boring. Safe.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that,” I told her. When she turned to look at me, I admitted, “It’s all I’ve ever wanted from my life. I didn’t want all of this, but now that I have it, I can’t say I’d have it any other way. When my consorts dragged me here, I was determined to go back to Earth at the first opportunity. Now, I never want to leave them. Besides, who’s to say he doesn’t want the same things as you? He did walk away from everything he’s ever known, following us on a whim. Somehow, I don’t think he did it for me,” I told her.
She stared off into the distance, the twinkles of the fires spread below, people going about getting settled for the night, embracing their routines comfortably despite the upheaval of their lives. I envied their innocence. Granted, they knew the stakes, but they didn’t know just how much was weighing on tomorrow. That if I failed again, Avalon would surely fall to Titania.
“Are you ready for tomorrow?” Cyerra asked me, still looking into the distance.
“No. I don’t think I could ever be ready. Too much can still go wrong, but I’m confident we’ve done all we can. Now, we just have to have faith in Avalonia,” I said resignedly.
“I’m scared,” she whispered, a confession that drifted away in the breeze.
I pulled her into a hug. “You’d be a fool not to be. And to be honest, I’m terrified. I have so much to lose, but I can’t focus on that. All I can do is focus on the things I can change. Courage isn’t being unafraid. It’s being terrified but doing it anyway,” I told her as she hugged me back. The words and wisdom that Juniper had given me, what felt like so long ago, now being offered to help my friend.
Pulling back, she wiped the tears from her eyes with a laugh. “How’d you get so smart?”
I laughed in return. “I didn’t. I’m just regurgitating what others have told me. It’s okay to feel weak from time to time. Your friends will be there to help you in those moments. It took me way too long to figure that out. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Trust us to help you when you need it. Okay?”
She nodded. “Thanks, Rho. How’d I get so lucky to have a friend like you?”
I smiled broadly at her. “Maybe it’s because you’re just as crazy as I am? Together, the two of us are unstoppable.” I barked out a crazy and cartoonish villain laugh to lighten the somber mood.
“Hey! I’m not near as crazy as you,” she protested, smiling and pushing my shoulder.
Just then, a knock on the frame of the balcony sounded out. Both of us turned, our humor fading as we caught sight of Baer. There was only one reason he’d be interrupting us. He smirked playfully. “I don’t know, you’re both pretty insane.”
I laughed, taking his arm. “I take it Revna and Ramund found something?”
“Yes, they’ve been working with Jude to decipher the text,” he admitted with an apology in his eyes for ruining the buoyant mood.
I kissed his cheek, letting him know it wasn’t his fault. “Do you know what they’ve found?” Cyerra asked.
He shook his head. “No. However, they didn’t seem too happy about it when they asked me to get you.”
“Great. Just what I need,” I huffed in complaint. “Come on, let’s go see what they’ve found.” I urged him to lead me back to the War Room, the safest place for them to research after they had proven they were on our side. Now that they had joined us, there was no reason they couldn’t see the information and tactics we were using.
“Let’s just hope it’s something we can use,” Cyerra said, her face painted with hope even though her eyes belied the truth we all knew. My gut sank, knowing that whatever they had to tell us wouldn’t be good.