35. Chapter Thirty Five Lennox
Chapter Thirty Five: Lennox
Keeping watch while listening to the noises that were coming from Rhowyn's tent was like living in a nightmare. I clenched my teeth and eyes shut as she cried out, readjusting myself in my pants. My cock was throbbing as I listened to her pleasure, feeling it magnified through the bond.
I couldn't help the flare of jealousy and shame that burned through me. I wanted to be the one with her right now, but I wasn't good enough for her. She deserved good men like Baer and Arryn, even Callum. I only brought pain and devastation everywhere I went.
Squeezing myself, I shifted on my feet, trying unsuccessfully to think of anything else other than what those three were getting up to. I was half tempted to pull my dick out and jack off to the noises coming from all of them, anything to relieve this pressure.
Just as I made the decision to do just that, a shadow crossed my peripheral vision, causing me to stiffen until I realized it was just Callum. “Couldn't sleep either?” I asked him as he came to stand beside me, both of our backs to the camp as we gazed out at the forest that surrounded us.
“Not with all that racket,” he groused, but I didn't buy it. I knew him too well still, despite the years and cavern of mistrust between us. He was still the same honorable man, if a little jaded and guarded now.
I chuckled. “You can keep lying to yourself, but no one is buying what you're selling.”
He turned to face me. I could feel his annoyance through the bond, slight as it was. I didn't give him the satisfaction of turning to face him. He wanted to pick a fight, but that was the last thing I wanted to do right now. He huffed out a breath when I didn't rise to the bait. Turning back to face the trees, he admitted, “I won't act on it. I can't afford the distractions.”
My brows furrowed at that. “Why not? She wants you just as much as you want her. If anything, it would only strengthen the bond between you two.”
“Why don't you act on it?” He turned my question around on me, causing my heart to twinge with the reality I tried desperately to avoid and ignore.
On a whisper, barely audible above the breeze that swept through the trees and rustling the leaves around us, I admitted, “I'm not good enough for her.”
“That's horse shit,” Callum snapped at me, now facing me with anger pulsing down the bond.
“Is it?” I questioned, my heart breaking as I finally voiced my feelings aloud, no longer able to hide from the truth.
“Absolutely. But just to humor you, tell me why exactly you think that?” he demanded, his arms crossed as he stared me down.
I dropped my eyes, unable to meet the judgment I saw there. “I shouldn't have to explain why to you. It's obvious. You know better than anyone else that I'm a failure. Everything I've ever wanted in life has always failed, screwed up by me in one way or another. She's better off if I keep my distance.” I said that last part looking in the direction of her tent with longing.
More than anything else, I wanted to be with her in that way, but was unable to cross the chasm that separated us. At one time, I had wanted Callum, to know him intimately as more than friends, but with Rhowyn the pull was different. I wanted her differently than I wanted him. And even with our history, I was still attracted to him. Somehow, I had developed a desire for them both, and was now torn.
His loud laugh boomed across the quiet dawn, startling me from my thoughts. Slamming my brows down in anger, I whipped around to face him, shoving him with both hands against his chest. He stumbled a single step despite me using all my strength to move him. “Exactly which part of my heart breaking is funny to you?”
He doubled over, wheezing as if trying to get control of himself but unable to. “I'm glad you think my misery is amusing. At least someone can get some joy from it,” I said, turning to stomp off.
He grabbed my arm, holding me in place and keeping me from leaving. Instead, I was turned to face his mirth, his smile still in place as he said, “You're an absolute dunce.”
“Great. Just what I need, more insults to make me feel better about myself.”
His demeanor changed then, suddenly giving me whiplash. His anger was a storm across his face as he lived up to his tumultuous autumn nature. “You're an idiot if you think that what's happened to you or me has anything to do with you. The only person responsible is your bitch of a mother, and it's about time that you realize that.”
I moved to argue with him, unable to find the words to respond to the vehemence in his tone. The bond told me he was telling the truth, that he meant every word he was saying, but I wasn't sure I could buy into that. If I was wrong, I would be devastated beyond repair. I was barely holding myself together as it was.
“Who told you that you were a failure? That you were worthless?” he questioned me further. My mouth opened to respond but he cut me off, “Other than me and your mother?”
I searched my brain, trying to find the truth and evaluating his words. My brain sped through the catalogue of memories in my mind as I searched for a single instance. He sat quietly and patiently as I did so. Looking back now, I could see that he was right. Granted, the members of Court complained about my lazy and lackadaisical ways, the way I supposedly ran through women as often as I changed clothes, and how I needed to step up and out from under my mother's shadow. But that was all a response to the fa?ade I had created and performed so well. The armor I had donned to protect myself from further hurt and injury.
Somewhere along the way, I had begun to believe those things about myself, forgetting who I once had been. Until this moment, I had pushed the truth away in order to survive the viper's pit that was my mother's Court.
“Now you get it,” he said softly as he saw the dawning realization in my eyes.
“Regardless, it was your words that drove me to my lowest point. It was the way you cut me out and blamed me so completely until I believed that I really was responsible,” I accused him, the hurt bleeding through my tone as I bared those old wounds for him to see. It was a risk. He could leave me alone and bleeding again, but I still hoped enough of the man I knew was there.
He sighed, rubbing a hand across his face and then into his dark auburn hair which caught the sunrise, reflecting the copper light back at me. “You're right. I was hurting and lashed out at the easiest target, which happened to be you. For that, old friend, I'm sorry. One day, I hope you'll forgive me.”
I nodded, accepting his apology without thought, his words ringing with truth as he spoke from his heart. I wasn't quite ready to forgive, but I didn't blame him anymore. “I understand why you did it. I can't say that I would have done anything different if I had been in your shoes.” It was the best I could give him for the moment.
As if sensing this, he simply nodded, patting me on the back and leaving me to my thoughts. I chewed over his words for what felt like hours but couldn't have been more than a few minutes.
The Raven stepped out from behind some trees in front of me, startling me from my ruminations. “Now that you two have all but kissed and made up, surely, we can get this hodge podge group on the move? I'll let you get your Chosen and fellow Consorts roused.”
He gazed out into the distance, his head cocking to the side in thought. “Something comes on the horizon, so the sooner we get a move on, the better.”
Whatever the fuck that meant . Before I could ask him, he was slipping through the shadows cast by the trees, disappearing from sight. I shivered at the demonstration of how silently he moved through this world. I couldn't help being slightly concerned about his loyalties, no matter what Arryn said.